To be envious of people who stuck to one DC?

[WerkinMum]

There's obviously nothing I can do about my reality so just venting and wondering if anyone else shares my thoughts.

I have two much loved children, 6 and 3. They are amazing. However I look at people with one and think they have the best of both worlds. They're a parent but also have time for themselves, can focus on a career, more money etc.

DH and I found our first child hard in the beginning, the sleep was atrocious, and just as we got back to normal we had another. I was happy with one but felt a lot of pressure and guilt over not having another and so took the plunge. I adore DC2 of course but my life is now all about being a parent with no space left for me and my interests. I used to have a great career which I have now been out of for so long I'll never properly get back.

DC1 never expressed interest in a sibling, they don't play together that much they're usually bickering or doing their own thing, vying for my attention.

I wish everything was a bit calmer! Does anyone else ever feel the same?

Maybe that's the case for them, though?

I only care about parents of only children when they witter on offensively on threads like this about how they have higher quality, deeper, better relationships with their kid that Id o with mine and how there's is much happier and better off because they have no siblings. It's offensive bullshit.

Yes, that is bullshit, but so is claiming, as others have done on this thread, that one-child families aren’t ‘proper’ families and are deserving of pity.

So presumably it’s not beyond your understanding that for parents of only children to read some of the comments they do about being selfish, leaving their children to be lonely or that they are not proper families might equally piss them off? It’s offensive bullshit (although, tbh, was my experience as the middle one of 3) to say parents of only children have deeper relationships with theirs than you do, but it’s equally offensive bullshit to say I’m not a proper parent because I only have one, which is the kind of shite I see regularly on threads like this.

I see less of those. Far less.

Because you are not the parent of an only child so you don’t notice it. Or perhaps you don’t notice it because it chimes with your own attitudes.

I suspect that had you stopped at one you would be endlessly yearning for another, wishing it were the other way around. Grass is always greener and all that.

Things will change for you as they get older.

Can we not just accept that both attitudes are awful, ridiculous bullshit and that threads like that are designed solely to cause angst and stir up a division that doesn’t actually exist serve no beneficial purpose?

Children and parents are no better off either way - each to their own. Asking people to nail their flag to the mast on either side of a debate that has no sides is asking for nastiness - so it’s no surprise that this thread went this way.

Anyone shaming any parent for how many DCs they chose to have should be ashamed.

you’re right, dear. As you always have been and always will be. Enough of my precious time on this.

I've got an only and have no regrets. Much easier to cope with one!

It is annoying when people trot out all the lazy stereotypes about only children though.

Same. My first is severely autistic and I feel the same about the 2nd.

Yes. I was right and your sarcasm doesn’t change it, nor does flouncing off give you any kind of moral high ground.

But your assuming that 24/7 bar school 121 time (221 if you include the other parent) is the preference, rather than rather than less but targeted 121 time with each parent and then sibling time.

And the "depth of relationship" snidey comment in rubbish. You can have fully engaged, SAHP parents who spend every waking second focusing on being present with their children and you can have workaholic only parents who have their child in childcare from 7-6 five days a week, then groups all weekend and holiday clubs all holiday. You can't possibly judge the latter relationship as superior just because there's only one child.

@HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce ·

One isn’t the best of both worlds at all for me, it’s the worst of both worlds. You’ve lost your freedom, but you’re not a full family

i'd rather have no kids than just one good job you didn't have secondary infertility, presumably you'd have had to sell the first one if you'd not made a full set 🙄.

We have two of hang on, you don't HAVE a full family. No, it has to be minimum three kids for a family to be considered a family. Heir, spare and one for fun. You'd better have another one before people judge you for just being random people cohabiting 🙄🙄

It's actually really sad that for the first 18 months I'd your eldest child life you didn't consider yourself a family, that they weren't enough for you until a sibling came along or if one never had. We have 3, I'm done because I'm not rich enough for more but we were a full family from the minute we knew about him. The egg splits are a bonus in themselves, not what DS needed to be complete.

And oh god don't we know it. You manage to shoehorn that you were a doctor into every post. Gets a bit boring after ... years!

I don't look at one child families with envy at all, no. I was an only child and feel quite sad for only children (and the parents, if i suspect it wasn't their choice). All of the after school clubs and holidays in the world can't make up for having a sibling.

How the fuck do you know what has happened in my life? Piss off.

Thank you for those words of wisdom. I don’t quite know what you think they were going to achieve, other than to make a number of people on this thread feel like utter shit.

It is so dispiriting to be reminded of just how many people see my family as lacking, or pitiful, or second best.

Please ignore posters who seem to feel they somehow have the right to dictate the rights and wrongs to others.

the majority of us are aware family size is a very personal choice and that there is no right and wrong!

I’ll have 4 soon and I’m sure some posters would like to tell me how pitiful my life will be too.

Thank you, BabyFour2023. Good luck with your new arrival!

I have one DC and this has been an interesting thread because like the OP, it's nice to read what mothers of larger-sized families think of their situation. We're all different though so, of course, answers will vary.

One thing I've taken from this thread is that we need to all help each other to shift the idea that there is an ideal family size so that clumsy, awkward or nasty questions aren't asked when we're supposedly 'socialising' and people aren't hurt after, sometimes, innocent/silly questions are asked.

Many people want the same family size that they grew up in. Others, who might have had an unhappy childhood for whatever reason will want to deviate from their 'norm'. We all have reasons for the family size we have and no-one has to explain their choices or justify their life to anyone else.

It's a given that the larger a family is, the more pressure there is on finances, time, attention, dynamics, etc., but people get on with it and most manage.

I would never say to any parent of several children how I could never imagine having more than one because it would just be chaos and a whole slew of other ignorant comments. The fact is that I 'just don't know' because I don't have more than one. It's a bit like the women who argue about how it's better to be childless than have children at all! They harp on about it in some forums. In fact, I believe they refer to it as 'childfree' and talk about mothers as total idiots. Similarly, I just think they're speaking from an ignorant place. They simply can't know what it's like to be a parent because they've never been one.

So I think it's a good thing that OP has (although others would disagree) asked parents who do know what it's like having one and then who go on to have more DCs.

There's absolutely no reason to envy a family with 1DC. Every family with 1DC is different. Some by choice. Some with no choice.

My DC1 is amazing. I'm just happy being a parent.

@nc824 Thank you 😊

So why have more children? People so happy to pop out kids but getting married is non existent these days

Wheredoallthepensgo, you sound very sad, insecure and grumpy, judging by your replies to various posters.
Would counselling help, or perhaps antidepressants? Are you struggling with something in your life - would you like to discuss it here for some support?

@Babdoc hahaha how fucking patronising. No thanks "dear". Your "diagnosis" is way off. I'm perfectly happy in my life. It's great. I just don't like posters talking shite.