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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my teenage daughter

808 replies

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:23

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2023 18:25

I would never have said anything like that to my mum at 17.

Has this been a gradual change?

mbosnz · 01/01/2023 18:27

I find that teenagers will be as cruel, contemptuous and disrespectful if they want to, for as long as they can get away with it.

I also find that teenagers tend to want money, lifts, facilitation of a social life, to be treated nicely themselves and food that they enjoy. This means that they can be quite firmly pulled into line when they are behaving like spoiled entitled little brats who think they can say what they want/do what they want, without consequences. By applying consequences.

safetyfreak · 01/01/2023 18:27

I would say that is not normal behaviour from a 17 year old. How is her mental health? has she struggled in a school setting, with other people etc?

Izzabellasasperella · 01/01/2023 18:27

Are there consequences for her when she acts up or says something mean?

Undertheoldlindentree · 01/01/2023 18:28

YANBU, but this doesn't sound unusual. More the grumpy, critical stage some go through before they're fully in charge of their own destiny. She'll probably be a delight by the time she's 22, but it's hard to live with in the meantime.

RambamThankyouMam · 01/01/2023 18:29

Well, you raised her!

BackBeatTheWord · 01/01/2023 18:30

RambamThankyouMam · 01/01/2023 18:29

Well, you raised her!

What a horrible comment. Why bother posting - it's not helpful.

ABigSalad123 · 01/01/2023 18:30

Gosh, sorry to hear this - it does sound like a very tough situation.

What’s your DD like to live with generally - is it a challenge to live with her most of the time, or are there moments when she is kind to you and when you can enjoy her company? Does she confide in you at all and chat to you about her life and things on her mind?

I only ask as it sounds like she’s unhappy and pushing the boundaries with you and the rest of your family because she’s in such a loving and secure environment with you, so she feels safe to do that. I realise that makes life very hard for you though! How do you and your DH react in those situations when your DD says upsetting things?

Seeingadistance · 01/01/2023 18:30

Yeah, that trip to the US?

Wouldn’t be happening if my DC treated me like that!

There’s run of the mill teenage stroppiness, but this is beyond that.

steff13 · 01/01/2023 18:30

I have two boys that I have raised to adulthood and a girl who's 12. None of them have been like this. They've all been challenging, but not mean or insulting. Was this a sudden change, or was she always like this?

Mybonnielad · 01/01/2023 18:30

What it tells me is that you are allowing this poor behaviour. You need to step up and pull her up on it, every single time.

Original poster
Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:31

She has always been the same. At home she is awful but at school and with her friends she’s different. We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat. As always, she is quick to dismiss mine and DH dinner options but never suggests her own.

She used to eat more meals but I can count on one hand now what she considers an “acceptable” dinner. She shoved me out of the way in the kitchen and I have just told her I can’t wait for her to leave. Immature I know but I’ve just had enough of her.

OP posts:
GreekDogRescue · 01/01/2023 18:33

Ugh. She sounds absolutely horrible. Time for her to leave home.

Original poster
Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:35

We do pick her up on her behaviour every single time. Which is why DH and I are worn down with it all. It’s a constant battle. It’s affecting her sister who says she can’t stand the arguing and is spending more and more time in her room to avoid her sister.

I did not bring her up to be like this. I treat people with kindness and spent her whole childhood demonstrating kindness and generosity towards others.

OP posts:
Motelschmotel · 01/01/2023 18:36

So frustrating reading your posts!! Why are you pandering to her? Why are you letting her talk to you this way, treat you all this way, affect you all in these ways?

She’d be getting a very stern talking to from me, with some serious joke truths. And lots and lots of natural consequences which she will probably hate. Tough shit.

Not cool, OP. Don’t let her ruin herself like this. A little slack and a little venting - yes. This is something else though.

Jimboscott0115 · 01/01/2023 18:36

She sounds like she's been spoilt to be honest OP. This is broadly the behaviour of someone who knows they can get away with the behaviour she is with little to no consequences.

I'll be potentially rude and ask why if she behaves like this have you cut back to pay for her to go on an (assuming optional) US school trip? Does her behaviour warrant it?

I'm not saying you're a bad parent or anything like it, but you've described a spoilt brat who needs clamping down on.

Lilliflip · 01/01/2023 18:37

I have 3 teenagers DS’s 19 & 17, and DD13. Your friends are correct that teens can go through a horrible phase, but none of mine have ever screamed at me, or criticised my appearance.
Yes they have been surly, lazy, uninterested and rude at times but had mine screamed at me they wouldn’t eat dinner, I’d have told them tough shit, look after yourself then. I think you are describing someone with a bad attitude and mean streak rather than general teenage behaviour. Sort her out with a fitting punishment.

ExplodingCarrots · 01/01/2023 18:38

A 17 year old screaming over dinner and shoving you ?? That would be the US trip out of the window . Come down hard and right now . Don't reward bad behaviour.

Original poster
Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:38

You see I don’t think we do pander to her, there are consequences to her behaviour including taking away her phone and Nintendo. Both DH and I talk to her all the time about her behaviour and how it affects us all including her sister but nothing changes.

OP posts:
SilverPeacock · 01/01/2023 18:39

Horrible situation to be in for you. What do you say to her, do you tell her she is hurting you? My teen dd can be rude but she usually knows and will apologise. Normal for them to be rude and self centred but you would hope to see at least some small chink of insight. I hope she does grow out of it.

BlandSoup · 01/01/2023 18:39

How come you offer her separate meals? Just tell her that she eats what you’ve made or she goes hungry. Natural consequences and all that

Dacadactyl · 01/01/2023 18:39

Who pays for her phone contract, make up etc? I'd stop all that straight away. She would live like an absolute pauper.

I would honestly lose my shit if my daughter behaved like this.

BMW6 · 01/01/2023 18:40

Well now she has shoved you she's WAY overstepped the line.

Time to get properly tough. Cancel the USA trip, stop any pocket money for a month.

Take away any devices she doesn't use for homework. Tell her she starts treating all the members of her family with respect or else there will be no University because she will be leaving home at 17 and getting a job and house share.

Original poster
Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:40

The problem with the school trip is that we’ve paid about 60% of it so would lose the money already paid. I think this would make her behaviour worse as in her words it would prove that “we love her sister more”.

OP posts:
Naddd · 01/01/2023 18:41

Why on earth are you paying for her to go to America?

She treats you all by the sounds of it awfully. She's 17 almost an adult.
She's ruined a trip to the theatre and restaurant afterwards which is a small fortune in itself!

This is ongoing behaviour yet you are making cutbacks etc to be able to afford to send her to America?

Even if i could easily afford it, if she were mine she wouldn't be goinglet alone if i was having to make cutbacks to allow her to go.

Why would she change when she knows there are literally no consequences?

You write about her as though shes a youngish teenage she isn't