To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

Several people noted that the poster had a particularly severe style of parenting, removing just about everything from their child's room. I wondered whether this is a cultural difference?

I bet you did.

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@Iwishitwasdifferent OP I have been thinking about you and dug out this wonderful piece which every parent should read. It helped me start to understand my teen so much more than I did.

Hold the Rope

Thank you for posting this! I’m having major struggles with my 13 year old son but having read this piece I’m viewing him so differently. I almost can’t wait for him to get out of bed so I can start holding onto his rope instead of my usual let go and throw the end back at him! I’m ready for a new tactic, thank you.

@mubbybeck its so good isnt it. It really helped me reframe things in my mind. Instead of arguing, I breathe and hold the rope, shes 17 now and still thrashing but has calmed down considerably. The boundaries are there, she doesn’t always respect them and we have ongoing battles re laundry, dirty pots, staying out late, college work etc but nothing like the all out war that was yrs 13-15 😭

shes growing up and growing out of it as she finds her place on the world. We too will get through it, with our surviving teenagers rage support group, aka friends with wine 😂

@Whycantibetangy thank you for reminding me of the rope, I’ve seen this before. Glad to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel! I’m currently struggling with my autistic nearly 16 year old dd. I made the mistake of allowing her autism to dominate and I made too many excuses for her behaviour. She still needs firm boundaries and we’re trying to put those in place now.

Don’t offer her a choice, she’s 17 not 7. God you poor thing. Cook, if she don’t want it tough, don’t leave lots in fridge so u can just help herself, a few days she will be hungry.