To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

Completely agree.

Sit her down with your husband.....list everything that is unacceptable. Tell her what you are planning to do if the behaviour doesnt improve. Tell her to get a Saturday job...(most kids of that age have some work to earn their own spending money) make it absolutely clear that the consequences of her behaviour will be you stop paying for her phone contract number 1. No privileges in the home...ie. TV or computer games. Explain that acting like a first class bitch means when she gets to uni there will be zero coming from home for her....she will be on her own, as she appears to want to be. Bottom line? tell her the behaviour improves or she will be asked to move out before the summer holidays.

This behaviour is not abnormal. My nephew can be vile to his immediate family- he’s 14- he would never ever be rude to anyone else. Doesn’t make it better- but I do not think it’s indicative of how a child is raised. I’d say it’s lashing out due to some unhappiness within herself.

@ColdClosedShining How old is you child now? Do you mind me asking are you still have difficulties with them?

@Iwishitwasdifferent This will not have happened overnight.
Your Daughter must have been allowed to get away with poor manners fir a long time, by the sounds of it.

Sounds like she has been spoiled, and never been told to “ Wind her neck in” if she is rude and makes personal comments.

Teens don’t always like family events, sadly, so maybe next time go by yourselves without her.

It sounds harsh what you are saying, but You and husbandhave allowed her free rein with rudeness, by the sound of it.

I had awful pmt as a teenager and was a nasty piece of work for half the month. Is it worse some times than others?
In regards to her behaviour when going out, I wouldn’t bother including her. She’s 17, probably doesn’t want to go out with her family right at this moment. I’d also not bother catering for her and give her a small proportion of the shopping budget to cater for herself.

She’s unhappy - don’t make her life more shit.

how is her life shit?

That’s what I was thinking.

I’d contact the school, advise that DD will not be going to the US, but you would like another pupil to benefit from the payments you have already made.

@Alfiexx1 My mum also told her friends I made her a cup of tea and dinner, a handful of times I did, but I also told her she looked like a testicle with her hair up, that she looked like shit in 99% of the outfits she wore, screamed when she tried to look at my phone.

Teens suck, I don’t know any of my friends who don’t have a teenager who isn’t a massive prick.

This honestly isn't normal. I don't know why you're insisting it is when all the adults on this thread were teenagers ourselves and many of us have teenagers?!

I could be a brat at times and push boundaries i.e I didn't feel like going home at 10pm so I didn't, an argument over an outfit she thought was inappropriate or general thoughtlessness but telling my mum to her face she looked like shit?? Eh no, I was a slightly selfish teen NOT a garbage human being. Who does that?

My DD 100% makes me tea when I ask her (as long as I don't take the piss) and occasionally if she wants something or is just in a good mood. I did exactly the same for my mum, doubly so if I'd thoughtlessly hurt her feelings. Her room is a pigsty a lot but if I ask her to clean the bathroom or something she generally will, even if she has a wee moan about it first.

Big difference between being a bit thoughtless or selfish and being totally malicious. Most teens imo are the former not the latter.

My sister was similar to this as a teenager. My parents got tougher and tougher with her, but her behaviour got worse and worse until they took her to CAMHS (she was a little younger at the time, around 15). Turns out she had been raped at 14 and she told the therapist that all of the punishing and cracking down on her behaviour had made her less and less likely to tell anyone and more and more depressed. By this point she was secretly self harming and bulimic. On the outside she seemed self-assured, spoilt and cocky.

An extreme example I'm sure, but the millions of 'come down harshly on her' and 'don't let her get away with it' comments ring alarm bells for me given this experience. This behaviour is extreme and abnormal and I'd be doing everything I could to get to grips with what's actually going on to make her so angry, not pushing her away further.

I don’t know, the OP hasn’t said. But this isn’t a happy, well-adjusted 17 year old. Punishing her further is just vindictive.

Teenagers can be moody, but she's being mean. It does sound like you're pandering to her. Tbh Id send her on the trip, it's for school and it'll give you a break. But I wouldn't be taking her anywhere with that attitude, she's 17, old enough to stay at home and sort her own meals out if she doesn't want what's for dinner. Why does your younger one have to be the one hiding away? Your DD is getting a lot of attention for crappy behaviour

Shoving you takes all this to a new level and just not acceptable. Agree with PP about unhappy teens pushing boundaries most with the person they know won't reject them. But this is too much and she needs to know how to respect people she values. Is her behaviour different with grandparents or aunts/uncles? Any family members she could live with for 6 weeks or so to gain some perspective?

@RambamThankyouMam

parents are not wholly responsible for their offsprings behaviour
at some point you become an autonomous human being
and OP’s dd is certainly that - she is almost an adult

I’m saying it’s normal as it was for every single person I knew at school as a teen myself, and the same for all of my friends with teens currently.

Seems to be worse with girls than boys too on the whole.

Mum still looks like a testicle with her hair up but thankfully I and most other teens grow out of it

For a start I’d be telling her to organise and cook her own food. And I wouldn’t be giving her any money - she can get a Saturday job and earn her own.

And I don’t know why people so often say it’s ‘normal’ for teens to be rude, selfish and downright horrible. A good many are not like this. Mine never were. I’m not saying it’s invariably the case - some people are probably just unlucky - but I suspect that a lot of horrible teens have been allowed to be entitled brats and have been pandered to from an early age.

One way to get her attention is to say that you will not be paying the balance of the US trip - if she wishes to go then she must get herself a job and work to pay the balance off. Mean what you say and don't engage any further on the subject.
All schools and colleges want the numbers for trips as it reduces their costs but the trip is not mandatory so if she does not go then it won't matter except to her pride and it will teach her a lesson about consequences for her outrageous behaviour. Better to lose 60% than 100% if she won't get a job.

OP, teens can be hard work! It is up to you how you allow your daughter to treat you.

I quite like Jordan Peterson's maxim:

"Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them."

But it does also sound to me like she is upset or angry at you for something. Maintain your boundaries, self respect, and also give allowances for teenage hormones and emotional upset.

She's not a 'spoilt brat', she's a child who is struggling to express herself, perhaps using anger and lashing out because she's got lots of emotion she doesn't feel able to let out.

I doubt that the underlying reason is any of the things she's actually complaining about. But I am going to suggest taking her out for time just the two of you, and maybe a walk. Maybe explain that you find she's been really difficult to live with lately, and ask her why, and listen to her.

www.ahaparenting.com/guide/teenagers

Taking devices is more of a14yo punishment. She’s nearly an adult, that won’t earn her respect.
let her be more adult. If she doesn’t want what you make for dinner she can cook her own. Not happy with the train? Pay for her own.

I've weathered 3 teenagers. None would have spoken to me like this. If they had, I would have sat him / her down in a cafe and had a calm chat. Explained that their behaviour wasn't acceptable. Explained the effect on the family. Then promised that, in future there would be consequences, without explaining what those consequences would be. From then on I'd expect different behaviour and

Yes! I spent a week on a road trip with my 17 year old son.
He was an utter delight.
Is it possible she has become friendly with wealthy children and is resentful of not having as much as them?

Please ignore this abusive advice. She’s unhappy - don’t make her life more shit.

It's not abusive shit.

Children who are unhappy are often unhappy because they don't know the boundaries which creates a feeling of insecurity. Putting in boundaries can help build attachment where there is none.

Putting in boundaries and giving consequences doesn't equal abuse or showing a lack of care. It shows love, wanting the child to feel safe and secure and showing the child that you love them despite their behaviour and want them to be a better person.

I think you are not firm enough/too soft, that is probably because you are a nice person and one who hates confrontation and wants things to be pleasant (all fair enough!)

for example, you say:
”We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative.” (If my 17 yr old screamed at me that they would not eat whatever I cooked, I would tell them to fuck off and cook their own then. And to leave the room)

“She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat. As always, she is quick to dismiss mine and DH dinner options but never suggests her own.” You ask her what she will eat???? Fuck that, not with that attitude if hers

I can see that your parenting style is lovely and reasonable (I am more short tempered) but ultimately your boundaries are not strong enough. be more honest to her in your responses, you don’t have to swear or have a long argument

but you could ignore her or tell her to get lost

Teens respond better to adults who have very clear boundaries. I think. You are maybe being too nice

Punishing her further is just vindictive.

she has had little to no punishment. Screaming at her mother? shoving her mother? not even getting them the most basic of Christmas gifts? doesn'T apparently do any cooking.

Vindictive? utter piffle. This girl needs very firm boundaries, very firm ones. And she can earn relaxation of her boundaries when she stops screaming and shoving people. And the USA trip really ought not to happen. She is making her sister unhappy in her home.

Or do you suggest showering her with even more lovely things, at the expense of other family members since there is a limited budget?

What happens when you take away her phone and Nintendo?