To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

Why on earth did you "suggest an alternative?"

Tell her you are cooking x and to be grateful for what she is given. If she kicks off tell her firmly - "do not speak to me like that" and do.not cool for her.

*cook

My daughter was a nightmare at 17. Her siblings were not, they were all brought up in the same house. By the time she was 19 she was like a different person, she now cringes any time she remembers how she used to be.

Do follow through on the repercussions to her behaviour. She needs a short, sharp shock.

I would stop making meals for her, she's old enough to make her own food. If she wants to go to the US then she should get a job to pay the remainder. sounds like you bend over backwards to try and please her.

My mum also told her friends I made her a cup of tea and dinner, a handful of times I did, but I also told her she looked like a testicle with her hair up, that she looked like shit in 99% of the outfits she wore, screamed when she tried to look at my phone.

Teens suck, I don’t know any of my friends who don’t have a teenager who isn’t a massive prick.

This is horrid OP. This is too much & a 17 year old knows better. Don't offer her alternative anything's, if she doesn't like it, she is 17, almost an adult. She can sort herself out. I was cooking my own dinners at 17, I also had a waitressing job 4 nights a week, does she have a job? She needs to understand the value of money.

You sound like amazing parents, wanting to give her everything & sacrificing certain things for this US trip, but she doesn't deserve it. Not one bit. Her behaviour is disgusting & she's gotten away with it for too long. I would come down on her hard, not just as a one off, for the long haul until she stops being a selfish nasty little girl.

Also, if you let his behaviour continue, not only is it affecting you, DH & sister, but sister is also potentially going to think this is ok for her to also act in this way. Nip it in the bud. Cruel to be kind.

You didn't "have to laugh".

How can your Dd learn if you don't show her.

When you talk to her about her behaviour she isn't listening and from what I remember of being a teenager, will not give a shit.

She needs consequences that are directly aligned with her awful behaviour. The physical and verbal abuse is outrageous, you're doing yourselves and her (and your other daughter) no favours whatsoever in letting it continue.

I'd have read her the riot act long ago.
Are you intending to carry on forking out for her uni costs? I'd have a think about that if she treats you like rubbish.

its time to exert parental control!

I would be having a discussion about her not attending the trip with the school when they return. She needs to learn consequences.

I wonder if there is some problems with her self esteem. Is she involved with drugs? Is she on any hormone contraception? Is she self harming? What are her friends like? How long has she been like this for

If you can afford it I would bypass CAMHS as waitlists and thresholds so high and use some cash for a psych assessment

When her birthday comes around next don't buy her anything and then say ' I'm not wasting my money on you ' . Time for her to have a massive wake up call . Evening or weekend job to fund rest of the trip ?

Adding to this I think "tough love"
will not work . I don't believe you pander to her. I think she needs psychological input as to where her anger is coming from

I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat. As always, she is quick to dismiss mine and DH dinner options but never suggests her own.

Do not offer an alternative. What you're making for dinner is what the family is having for dinner.

When you say she "screams", is she actually screaming/shouting with a raised voice? Just trying to get the picture or whether you're using colourful language (not excusing her). Is it all the time or is there a pattern ie does it link to her periods at all?

Is she popular with her friends? Is she struggling at school?

What’s for dinner?
chicken
NO!
ok then, sorry you don’t want it. I will just cook the chicken. You can make yourself whatever you want instead.

where are we going?
to the cinema
NO
OK sorry to hear that, we are going. See you later.

you need to grey rock and stop reacting. And cut off funding.

Teenagers can be pretty horrible. They grow out of it but the patience required to get through that phase is enormous

But I bet you got her loads and gave her everything despite her ongoing shit behaviour. Honestly, OP, you need to seriously toughen up and it’s going to be incredibly hard because she sounds horribly spoilt and doesn’t have consequences so it’s going to be bloody hard work.

If she doesn’t like the food, she makes her own. Stop doing chores like laundry etc. She can start being independent. She should be earning everything she gets, no easy handovers.

Why would you even take her to the theatre or out for dinner? The holiday wouldn't be happening full stop. Absolutely no fucking way would a 17 year old who speaks to me like that be getting a school trip paid for by me. That would be a far more meaningful consequence than taking her phone away for a few hours - missing a trip of a lifetime. Truthfully I think you are spoiling her. She seems to have learned that she can treat you this way because she can get away with it. Stop the school trip immediately to show her you mean business. I wouldn't even care if I lost money as a result either. It would be worth it for the even more valuable lesson it will teach her in respect. Treat me like this and expect to still go on a trip of a lifetime off the back of my hard graft? I don't think so madam!

Teens expressing themselves and sometimes getting it wrong is normal.

The behaviour your DD is exhibiting is not.

You do need to stand firm.

"I don't want x for dinner" "that's fine - you can do yourself some toast".

Then repeat every time. "You can do yourself some toast"

You can add that twice a week she can cook the family meal and you will all eat what she cooks.

Tell her firmly if she shoves you again you will report her to the police. Then do it.

Do not give her lifts anywhere.
Do not give her any pocket money.
Remove her access to WiFi.

Teach her how to use the washing machine and she can do her own washing.

No longer invite her on family outings. If she says anything then firmly say to her "you hated it last time - why would you want to come?" It always helps to put the ball into their court about why you've responded to their behaviour rather than accuse her of bad behaviour iyswim?

You really need to stand form and show some people you won't be treated with any ounce of disrespect for them them to treat you with any.

Does she have a part time job? tell her to buy her own shopping and cook for herself - problem solved with not wanting to eat what you eat.

As for her constant negativity about absolutely everything, next time you go out jot down in a text message every negative comment, and every positive comment and thank you then send it to her at the end of the evening

negative negative
positive
thanks yous 0
please 1

perhaps seeing it written down will shock her

When she asks why she's not going to the US you know the response then don't you?

From working with a vast majority of teenagers for many years it sounds like she has mental health issues/Self esteem issues that she is refusing to or finding it difficult to address therefore hence this behaviour. Have you asked her if she's happy? Anything that bothers her? Has there ever been a SEN concern?

You can change this behaviour.

1. Do absolutely fuck all for her
2. No cooking
3. Don't do her laundry
4. Don't take her out for meals
5. Don't give her lifts
6. And everything in between

I wouldnt even be offering her 1 meal, never mind 2 further options when she kicks off. You are pandering to her massively, and she doesn't know boundaries as she is getting away with whatever she likes. You have to take a step back and realise that this behaviour has been allowed over a long time by the sound of it!

OP, honestly from everything you have written her behaviour is outrageous and I say this as a mum of 3 DDs aged between 15 and 17. I'd be raging if I was spoken to like this and all perks and privileges would be taken away until the respect was back.

My 17 year old bought me and DH Christmas gifts from her part time work and thoughtful ones too. Of course we have our disagreements and run ins but I would absolutely not be spoken to like that.

She is about to become an adult and has to learn that behaving like that will not do her any favours either at home or outside.

Very helpful!