To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

I think you haven given the reasons why she is like this, she is spoiled, why would you pay for a trip to the US for her, for starters whilst she is treating you like this

Have you sat her down and told her what a nasty person she is?
I would never have dreamed of behaving like that.
I'd be willing to lose the 60% of the trip to the US to teach her a very hard lesson in life!

Sorry OP, you absolutely are pandering to her. If you’re making a meal for someone, and they scream and push you about because they don’t want that choice of food, the normal reaction is not to offer them another choice, it’s to tell them that with that attitude/behaviour they have just cost themselves todays meals being made for them, along with all future meals until there is an absolute 180 in terms of their behaviour. So if this is the usual way you have been treating her after such behaviour, she is never going to change. There was no consequence.
You really do need to toughen up, stop cooking for her, she’s old enough to do it herself. Stop giving her pocket money/and or nice things, she doesn’t deserve them. Don’t give her lifts etc. When she starts kicking off just ignore her, don’t rise to it, just grey rock her. When she is being ok, and acting in a normal acceptable way, fully interact with her as normal. Make her realise her behaviour totally depends on whether her life goes smoothly or not.

Op you sound lovely, it seems you've tried to demonstrate kindness and she's fully taken the piss with it.

I'd not cancel the us trip purely as its you losing a massive amount of cash, but I'd be making changes.
Firstly, you stop cooking her meals. Seriously just stop.
Every time she comments on your appearance you ask her to leave you alone until you're not feeling as hurt from her words. If you have to, go out with your other DD for a walk.
Don't ignore her etc, but explain you're not feeling like chatting with someone who is treating you so badly.
If she's a phone contract, do not re new it.
She needs independence, get her looking for a part time job.
It's easier said than done but don't get sucked into arguments with her and tell her if she touches you again in temper she will be couch surfing because nobody deserves that.

I have fostered teens and have my own, so I understand why people tell you that they're absolute ballbags at that age, I'm sure we all had our moments but this behaviour isn't acceptable and whilst it may link into MH issues, right now, surface value, she's being awful.

This is not normal behaviour. You need to get angry about it, and to know that it’s ok to get angry about it.

No all teens are not cruel. I have two. DS age 18 and DD age 14. I put a stop to any rude behaviour / attitude long before the teen years. I stopped them being rude to a parent very young. Yes teens are hormonal but that’s not an excuse for treating people like crap

This is my DD three years ago, hang in there, learn how to pick your battles and she’ll come out the other way in couple of years. It does get better but don’t treat her like a baby ( taking her phone away at 17 is a bit too much ) and learn how to ignore (don’t give her any other dinner options, if she doesn’t like what you’re preparing, let her feed herself) etc . Ignorance is your best friend, go out without her, spend time with your dh and youngest daughter etc , they can actually put you on antidepressants at this age , I’m out now but I had few terrible years with mine, she’s a lovely respectful young woman now , never thought i’ll live the day to see it . Good luck 🤞

That 60% is a sunk cost. You need to write it off. You’re never getting that money back regardless of whether she goes on the trip or not. She absolutely does not deserve to go.

You say that you don’t think you’re pandering to her but you just offered her a different meal because she didn’t like the one that you’re cooking. That’s definitely pandering to her. If she doesn’t like what you’ve prepared she either goes hungry or makes something for herself. She’s 17 ffs.

One of my children (also a DD) was like this, @Iwishitwasdifferent
She still is, sometimes - very slightly older than yours.

My suggestions are:

Do not offer alternative meals. Don't engage. She can make as much of a fuss as she likes; that's what's on offer. She can make herself some pasta/toast/whatever if she won't eat what you're offering.

Don't spend so much time discussing her behaviour with your husband. It doesn't deserve this level of attention (assuming there are no underlying problems or reasons for poor behaviour which you haven't mentioned). If you talk about it endlessly, it gives it an importance which it doesn't deserve. It's particularly tough on your younger child if all the conversations are about her sister's bad behaviour.

I can see why you can't easily backtrack on the America trip, but you can certainly start with smaller things. Dealing with an unreasonable teenager is very much like dealing with a toddler, in that you just have to stay calm, be very clear about natural consequences, pick your battles, and wait for this phase to pass.

@IntentionalError I'm sorry, but that is atrocious parenting by your father. So he demonstrated to your brother not to hit someone by "beating the crap out of him". Just so wrong in so many ways.

…but also be aware that not all shitty behaviour stems from trauma or difficulty.

Sadly, more and more children are now like this.
I blame the parents on the whole, not always to be clear.
Parents errode and confuse boundaries at times and kids take advantage
What one of our daughters says to us and she is in her 30's, my parents would have had nothing to do with me if i was like that

There is no easy answer. This is no simple single/several items that makes kids like this other than they cant have their own way

if you kick them out, some will refuse to leave and other will and then you worry what will happen

Not sure what the solution is

@Iwishitwasdifferent Bloody hell op are you me I could write your post myself about my teen dd. Infact I was thinking of starting my own thread with the same title. I love dd but really don't like her at times and exactly like your dd she moans about everything only happy when things are going her way or she's getting money spent on her. I also worry if this is her personality now and is this the adult she is going to become. She's not rude and insulting to her dad or me but it's just her attitude towards everything. she is incredibly self centred, lacks empathy and compassion. She regularly falls out with friends which doesn't surprise me to be honest as she's not very nice to be around at times. I'm sure I wasn't like this at her age.

Teens suck, I don’t know any of my friends who don’t have a teenager who isn’t a massive prick

My teens aren't massive pricks and neither are my friends' teens or my teen nieces/nephews

Neither were my others. Some are wild cards.

I’d rather lose all the money than reward such brattish behaviour with an expensive school trip

You still save 40% of the cost - I think losing 60% to teach her she cannot act this way and get a reward is a good investment tbh.
You need to have consequences at the time. Ie she shoves you - warning 1 that trip may not go ahead. She screams next day - warning 2 - strike 3 and it’s cancelled etc.

You’re pretty bad at your job if you think this is MH issues

She has no consequences.

Go back to basics - like a toddler. Natural consequences. If she doesn't like the dinner she can cook her own.

She needs to earn things with good behaviour. Pocket money, lifts etc.

This post stuck out for me. My niece always managed to mask at school, but it all came out at home. She also had/has a very restricted diet.

She’s autistic.

After everything you’ve done for her and are doing for her, she told you to your faces that she doesn’t want to “waste” money in Christmas gifts for her parents?

😲

Sorry but that’s horrific.

Do you baby her? She’s plenty old enough to to know how the world works (that it doesn’t owe her a living etc etc) - and indeed she NEEDS to know this.

Do you have a tendency to lump her in with her 10yo sister?

At 17 she should have a weekend job, be busy with her studies and social life and hobbies. She shouldn’t have TIME for this much atrociousness!

This girl sounds spoilt. Pay for nothing, she needs to work for her treats. Only buy essential clothes, and I mean the basics to keep her warm and nothing else. Provde meals, and make her do some chores.

Is there a lack of connection? This may be why you've become cash machines. Talk to your daughter, show you care in ways that don't involve stuff, take her to the countryside and talk properly. Be vulnerable, show you're human too.

This girl needs a job too. I am flabbergasted that a 17 year old has so little idea of the value of money.

I hate to say it but I believe you're trying way too hard to be "good" parents. Money isn't love.

She’s 17 OP, she should be starting to learn the world by now and working part time or something.

That is not normal teenage behaviour, especially not at 17. I was working full time at 17 and this is only in the last 10-15 years. Not sure why you would continue to put up with it.

Yes. I have 2 well behaved and nice teens. DS 18 and DD 14. I wouldn’t have put up with any of this behaviour. I’m a relaxed parent but don’t take disrespect and that was known well before the teenage years

OP is just far too soft and there is no respect there at all . Stop pandering to her and instigate consequences for her nasty behaviour.

It sounds like she's immature and struggling with the stage between childhood and adulthood. Maybe try treating her more like an adult and taking a step back so she has more responsibilities such as she needs a job, pay rent, cook her own meals do her own washing ect