To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

How do you respond when shes a cow to you?
I have teenagers and all of them have acted shitty many times but I do not tolerate being spoken to like crap. I have control of their phone data and contract. I do not take their phone away but i do sometimes remove their data allowance and put their phones on child friendly mode which restricts social media and youtube etc.
Also remove money from their gohenry account if they act like pricks.

Both me and dp are on the same page about it and pull them up if necessary. If any of them were making cruel comments then they would get a bollocking

Yeah US trip should not be happening.

I started off thinking YANBU - we were very ready for my oldest DC to go to uni. He had totally outgrown the home environment and we had a lot of conflict over pushing boundaries, a lot of doors slammed. He could start an argument over nothing at all. He could be selfish and thoughtless.

But I thought more about the examples you gave, and he would NEVER be personally critical or cruel. He might say he didn’t want to eat a meal (and this would worry me due to ED tendencies) but there would be no demanding another meal. He’d either eat it, or make himself some toast.

When he was really pushing it, I removed his allowance. He had to get a job if he wanted money to spend how he wanted. He did get a job (a few different ones) and it definitely helped. He finally went to uni (and I was relieved!) but we’ve missed him, and now when he’s home for the holidays things are much calmer, he’s got the space at uni to grow up a bit.

if I were you, the first thing I would do, would be to make it very clear - tomorrow - that as it stands the USA trip is off. If she wants to go, she has to pay half what remains herself, and you will pay the rest, if, and only if, she’s got a handle on her behaviour. There is absolutely NO WAY I would be just forming out for the rest of that trip without further thought.

I had two daughters. One was a normalish moody teen but not too bad. The other was like yours! The sheer relief when she left for uni was indescribable.

That being said we didn't accept the bad behaviour. It was tough but we set very firm boundaries around what was acceptable behaviour and what wasn't. That we expected good manners and common courtesy, to be treated with the same respect we gave her.

I knew then and know now that she was very unhappy and was taking out her many frustrations on us. Up to a point that's ok but at some point we need to be the adults and say if you wouldn't do or say that to your teacher/customer/boss you shouldn't be doing it to us. If you can't be polite /pleasant leave the room. If you don't appreciate the treats or trips we've laid on, go home. If you don't like what we've bought you we will return it.

Being a parent doesn't stop when they reach puberty. You can't give up, any more than you could when they were a three year old - you have to keep on working on it.

she is 30 now and whilst we still have our differences she is mostly an absolute joy.

Slaaaaaaap.

I suspect she's probably been bullied or peer pressured into not feeling right about herself and her family at some point.

I have a 16 year old daughter OP, and while not quite as bad as yours, I truly do sympathise! It can be a nightmare

The problem with the school trip is that we’ve paid about 60% of it so would lose the money already paid.

if it makes her rethink her attitude, it will be money well spent. Contact the school and ask if there is a waiting list. You may be able to pass her spot to someone else who will pay you back.

I think this would make her behaviour worse as in her words it would prove that “we love her sister more”.

The answer to that? the sister isn't having a US trip. So nobody gets one. That is equal.

Stop pandering. One choice for dinner, and if she doesn't want it? she can make toast. Do you involve the rest of the family in the decision about what you're all eating? Tat would be a good start. Then if she's choosing 1-2 of the meals, that's fine. And she should be helping to cook them.

You need to discuss, as a family, what expected behaviours are. And you as parents need to regularly re-evaluate the relationship with your children as they grow and mature. DD1 needs to start learning how to run a household, if she goes to uni or goes into a flatshare, she needs to learn how to live with other people, and do her fair share of housework etc.

I'd go on strike, if she screams about her dinner, just bin what you've made and tell her to do her own. Show her where the washing machine is and how to.use it, let her clean her room etc. If she shouts at you leave the room, just disengage with her until she treats you with some respect. You're her Mum not a servant to be screamed at, if all else fails give her a good slap, she deserves it 😊

I literally could have written this! My 17 dd is also doing a level geography and her trip is to Morocco, I went to the information night and she seemed really excited- I told her that if she was willing to get a part time job to contribute to the cost (£3k+) I would pay the rest - her response was she can’t study and work 🙄 so I told her I couldn’t pay for the trip if she’s not arsed enough to work for it so she’s not going. I’ve found cutting back on treats for her and making her “earn” them has improved her attitude towards us and makes her think - shes more badly behaved now then when she was two! However school reports are amazing - what a kind thoughtful intelligent girl she is!

good luck op, sending hugs - you’re not alone 💐 x

You see I don’t think we do pander to her, there are consequences to her behaviour including taking away her phone and Nintendo.

Oh dear... in the nicest way possible removing a phone and nintendo (that you probably pay for!) is what you do to a 12 - 14 yo who crosses the line. A 17 year old insulting you on a trip can find their own way home even if that means walking in the pissing rain and then they can apologise until they are let in the door. A 17 year old screaming(!!) at you that she won't eat dinner etc won't be offered something else, she'll make her own dinner and if she screams at you again she won't have any dinner unless she gets her arse to the shop to buy a new one for herself. No money? Get a job.

You need to start coming down harder on her OP. In my eyes 16 is an adult as in Scotland that's when they can move out, vote, get married, have a child and claim benefits etc but even if it's 18 she's almost there and nowhere near ready to be one by the sounds of it. So do it for your sake and your youngest DDs sake but most importantly you need to do it for her sake because she cannot go through life this entitled, rude, and unprepared. Having a fit because you won't buy her a £14 coke? That is not acceptable behaviour at any age.

Hold your breath and grin and bear it. I've raised four children, they all go through this to a greater or lesser extent, sounds like you dd is at the greater end of the scale!. It's part of separating from parents and creating an independent identity. It will pass. Tbh she's probably as desperate to get away as you are for her to go. The trip to America sounds fab, hopefully she'll come back a bit more mature.

Oh OP, I sympathize. I could've written this a few years ago.

We used to let her make her own tea. After the millionth time she wouldn't eat what I'd made, or did eat it and then went on and on about it awful it was, I just stopped cooking for her.

IME (and I have only got experience of 1 teenager), this is fairly 'normal' behavior.

If it's any consolation, mine is now 25, absolutely lovely, and my best friend.

It does get better, I promise.

It's normal op. It has no reflection on your parenting. Teens just can be little shits. She will come out of it but it's very tough.

Give me toddlers any day! Parenting teens was very tough for me.

We are out the other side now with pleasant well adjusted kind children.

My top tips would be

Choose your battles
Ignore as much as you can
Know your line in the sand and stick to it.

I could tolerate a lot but been spoken to badly was my line in the sand. I use to stop doing anything/everything they wanted like lifts, money, clothes etc.

End of the day though, this is a phase, your child will come back. You just need to trust that.

She sounds absolutely miserable. Is there any compromise with her at all?

Offering her multiple alternative meals is pandering. If she doesn't like what you're cooking she can go hungry. She will soon eat it even if it's not her favourite.

and that was a different time. We have a difficult teen and I can assure you the police would be knocking at your door very quickly if you raise your hand at your children now.
its all very well also some posters smugly saying my child would never do that to me you must have spoiled her. Some children do not respond to rules and regs like others and they defiant and extremely wearing and awful to parent
i agree with those saying make the consequences tougher. These children don’t seem to have much empathy and the only thing that seems to bother them is when you withdraw lifts etc. Good luck op I sympathise

Is there a class member that would love to go on the field trip but can’t go because their family can’t afford the full amount …. But could pay 40% 🤔

Does she have anxiety? It sounds like she might be masking anxiety because with anxiety sometimes the child can not think about anyone else but their own needs.

She sounds like a complete bitch. Don't pander and start being harsher with her. She can walk over you both as you're constantly trying to make her like you. Stop and just be firm and then ignore her if she continues to be a dick.

Some teenagers are tough. Mu dd was hard work and she's a lovely 20 year old now. Its like having a toddler that can argue back.

The only things I'd recommend is that it will pass, deep breaths and non violent communication. It doesn't always work and it helps you feel in control. And like toodlers enforce the boundaries you won't compromise on - one dinner option and if she doesn't eat it that's her choice. And definitely non violent communication (nvc).

No this behaviour is not normal.

What does the small print on the trip say? That if she behaves badly, you have to collect her? Trips often do say that. Can you collect her from the US?

How can she be expected to eat the food on the trip if she behaves like this at home? Surely she won't have any choice?

With a fussy eating child, I'd get them to write a long list of the meals they like. Then try to cook one of the list. It helped. Maybe consider this (but insist on 20 meals or so, for variety). If she can't then maybe she has an ED (as someone mentioned above).

Sadly mine never entered the delightful stage.

Please ignore this abusive advice. She’s unhappy - don’t make her life more shit.

This. The moneys gone whether she goes or not.

theres a difference between teenage behaviour and being deliberately hurtful and insulting to one’s parents.