To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

@Rainbowsparkles29

I do agree somewhat. These threads are fairly predictable. An exasperated, usually permissive parent comes on struggling with their teen and everyone replies with, have you considered autism or adhd?

It is honestly so predictable. You get flamed for suggesting firm boundaries etc. it’s always a condition of some sort. Now I don’t doubt that many times that will be true but come on, every single thread about a troubled teen? I don’t think so, so yes I agree with you.

I’ve been following this post as I commented earlier. I think that people can only answer with their own experience which is what I did. The OP sounded exactly like my diagnosed autistic daughter when she’s under extreme anxiety and masking at school. If people have no experience of living with this then they are very lucky. I didn’t suggest that this is definitely what it was but to maybe not rule it out. I don’t post often as I don’t often have experiences relating to the posts, unfortunately I related very well to this one. I would like to hope people only post if they really feel they can help or offer real advice from lived experience.

That’s the reason why I posted about autism assessment too - before our DS was diagnosed and we altered our parenting in relation to him and his needs, he was very similar to the OP’s DD. Massive high anxiety due to masking every day at school and then huge melt downs when he was in his safe place (home).

@Rainbowsparkles29 I suppose you also think that these conditions are being over diagnosed 🙄

Maybe those of us with neurodivergent kids recognise potential signs of these conditions in the OPs post and are helpfully suggesting it's something she may want to think about?

It’s not helpful though if the child is just being an unpleasant teenager (and that’s not new is it really). It’s literally every single thread now. No one’s kid can just be unpleasant. Always masking. Always a diagnostic label to be attached which releases said parents from any sort of responsibility or parental action. It is a shame as it actually diverts time and resources away from kids who genuinely do have autism/adhd. Causes a lot of stagnation within the system.

@Goosefatroasts Always a diagnostic label to be attached which releases said parents from any sort of responsibility or parental action. It is a shame as it actually diverts time and resources away from kids who genuinely do have autism/adhd.

Really? How offensive! You do know that the reason the majority of parents have their children assessed (which in itself is hard enough getting the LA to do) is so that they can access the much needed government educational support their child needs? You seem to have absolutely no clue about SEND.

Have you ever had a blood test? Why??? Weren’t you wasting NHS resources? Why put a label on it? Maybe you should just eat more healthily. Ohhh, you had an assessment and you have a blood disorder. Thank goodness you got a blood test then. Now you have said blood disorder and so now you can access the much needed medication to help sort and control your blood condition.

I agree, take away any privilege away, she doesn't deserve the trip or any niceness to look forward to, No respect no Gain
Too Bad, until she considers everyone else's feelings other than her own, then she gets no privilege's let her know that, make her aware that she's lucky to have food to eat & a roof over her head & so on & to think about her behaviour if you haven't already, untill she changes her attitude life is going to be very uncomfortable from now on, that should hopefully get her thinking about what a negative impact she's inflicting on everyone, & she has no right to push you around. I do hope she gets rid off that horrid attitude

I have 4 kids. Eldest ( now 25) was a really problematic teenager - diagnosed with Add and Asperger’s ( girls hide it well) at 14. It explained so much and I just went with it . It claimed my 40s and early 50s and helped end my marriage. Yes that bad. Back in the day the support at school was minimal and certainly before she received the diagnosis she was treated really badly by school, other girls and other parents. She is now the most delightful self aware kind mature 25 year old a mum could ask for and ( in her own words ) I am her best friend ❤️
middle two are angels
last one ( aged 16) is horrible to me. I am now single and she seems to take everything out on me. Swearing, rudeness, entitlement, nastiness towards me, despite my giving her everything I possibly can . Don’t judge me - I know I should be tougher but frankly I am totally exhausted and just can’t wait for the next stage.
so NO YANBU . But this thread has spurred me to focus on tough love this year. With kids like this strong guidelines really do work . Let me know how it goes x

@RambamThankyouMam do you actually have teenagers?

Have a bit of space from each other for a while. Don't get drawn into any arguments, avoid any controversial topics which you know will lead to a flare up. If she wants to stay in her room, let her. Go out for a walk if you need some space. Have a few single portions of food in the freezer so that she can eat separately if she prefers, or else join you. Start to look for positives so that you can see her in a diifferent light.

A friend of min

Continued from previous post:

A friend of mine lost her son in a horrendous car crash, where he was trapped with friends in a burning car. She adored him. I started to try to focus on the good in my daughter afterwards. Our lives became much calmer when I gave us some space. After a while, she wanted to go on walks with me, watch a film occasionally etc. There would still be the occasional flare up, but I tried to take it less personally, even though it hurt. Uni was the best thing, as I posted several messages ago. She used to ring up for a chat between lectures, if she was out shopping etc & we hadn't spoken so much in years. She's now graduated and has gone travelling. Your relationship is for the rest of your lives and needs to be sorted out asap, before it get stuck in a rut.

My daughter 17 is similar. We barely speak with her now and we have separate dinners - kids and adults eat separately as she causes such arguments over nothing, or says something unkind that it ruins the dinner. Or she will sit all moody and not speak and it’s like having a black cloud sitting with us (son 15 comment).

She told us she will tell us what she is getting for her 18th as it’s her 18th! Nope she will get what we want to give her and the same as we have her older brother and not a penny more. (Or at all at this rate).

We are also on count down to uni!

Tough love, maybe. But some therapy also, maybe? your youngest has spent most of her life as a child of divorce, after all. And possibly with less family income than her siblings for many of those years. And how many people besides dad have moved out? We don't always realize it, but younger siblings, especially if there is a large age gap, feel a lot of loss when older siblings leave the home.

@redskydelight fwiw I've realised I posted on the wrong thread 😳so please cancel your despair at Mumsnet 😬

After constant battles we removed everything from his room but the mattress and blanket. We'd paid for it so technically it was not his. He had to earn it back, with good behavior, and chores.

Bloody hell, poor kid 😔

Thats absolutely grim, and not something to be proud of.

These posts often feel alien to me, this is not a brag but I’ve never experienced any of the problems that many people experience with their teenage children on Mumsnet, I also have friends who have said similar with regards to their teenage children. I don’t know if I’m just lucky, or why I haven’t had the challenges a lot of people have had, is it luck, nature or nurture? I have had minor disagreements with DS who is 17 this year but we’ve never had big arguments and we’ve never raised our voices at each other, he’s never swore at me and doesn’t swear at home, he offers to help at home, he respects boundaries too. I know this sounds like a brag but it’s honestly not, is it mostly down to the nature of the child that influences any difficulties. It would be interesting to read any studies that indicate how the nature of the child plays a role.

@Coffeeandcake15 thats so reassuring. I wonder what mine will be like when they get older. My primary school child just came and told me that he can tell me anything and that I always sort his worries out. He gets unwanted thoughts in the evening about doing bad things. I hope it lasts but it seems it might not.

There is a booked called the Orchid and the Dandelion which is about the nature/nurture debate regarding children’s sensitivity. It was really interesting if you’re interested. The research shows that some children are naturally more sensitive. Some are less sensitive. However, parenting does make a difference but it makes more of a difference to those children who are naturally more sensitive. Both good and bad parenting.

Very interesting article. I took the natural consequences approach, usually with a ‘chat’ about the behaviour once the dust had settled. It makes a lot of sense as punishments just cause more resentment and friction.

Your daughter appears to be completely aware as to the fallen, messed up world that she has been brought into- and she’s rebelling. She’s not the first. She’s furious, she’s exasperated and she’s trapped here. She’s smart. The world is a chaotic mess and children see and experience more than we can ever know. Children have senses that adults are completely closed off to. As we age, we tend to believe what we are told in the media- but children aren’t fooled. I think your daughter is smarter and more intuitive than you know and she is rebelling against a system that is completely failing- she knows it, but you are still hanging on. Poor kids of this generation! So many are suiciding! Who the fuck would bring an innocent child into this mess? I applaud her to be honest. She is baffled as to why you brought her into this nightmare. Covid and lockdowns for the last 3 years and now inflation, war, recession, division, poverty, homelessness and then instagram telling her she has to look like Kim Kardashian to bag herself a Man? I hope more kids rebel just like your daughter is! Thank God they can see through all this bullshit and they refuse to participate in it and they are refusing to participate. Tell her you love her and you are proud of her. See what happens….

This sounds so similar to my autistic dd. I love her and we get on pretty well, I genuinely enjoy her company, but only since I realised she has ASD - tweaking my behaviour and becoming more aware of how she ticks made a huge She is Little Miss Perfect in school - the best behaved, polite, popular girl, excelling academically, in music, competitive in sport, loves sleepovers and boarding school life. But all this is 'masking', it's social interaction that is very draining for her, so once she comes home, she just turns from Jekyll into Hyde. When we ask her why she is grumpy and no longer polite, she will simply and honesty reply: 'because you love me unconditionally. I don't need to act here. You can't kick me out. At school, they can expell me. They can give me bad marks. You are my parents.' That's the honesty and logic only ASD can deliver 😀What we found helps is 1. Accepting that her 'resting face' is a sort of annoyed/angry/despising look, but that doesn't mean she actually feels like that. She can look like that and feel happy/grateful/neutral etc. Her actual mood/thoughts can be totally different from her facial and body language.

1. Making a plan beforehand. Asking her to tidy up now won't work. Making a plan that her room gets tidied every Saturday afternoon works better. Or agreeing a meal plan. My dd is happy to cook her own meal as long as she can decide/stick to something she likes. 3. Allowing her a lot of agency, but being clear about consequences. Since early primary school, I never got involved with school work, music practice etc. Her responsibility, her consequences if she misses something. 4. Not droning on about her behaviour. My dd will find it extremely irritating if I tell her how her behaviour hurts me/her brother. Taking myself away from her or not doing something for/with her or stopping an outing will work better. There need to be consequences, but no crying, complaining, begging her to be nice. The more emotions I have/show, the more she will get irritated 5. Accept unfiltered honesty. I just have to accept that autism means unfiltered honesty: if you are short, grey etc, an autistic dc will tell you. They don't mean it necessarily in a mean way, it's just factual and obvious to them. I have come to like it, as I also know that when she says something nice to me, it is also 100% true.

My dd little brother is also the kindest, most sensitive soul. They are polar opposites at home, but none of them is better as a person than the other, they are just differently wired. My dd needs loads of space - physically and emotionally. So I tend to only take her out 1:1, not together with her dB if I can avoid it.

Are you American posting on a British website? Behavior rather than behaviour seems to give this away.

It makes a difference if DH supports you too. Mine had a very busy job and was a lazy Dad, because he was tired. Sometimes he could be quite bad-tempered with all of us too. He's much more relaxed now that our children are adults. It wasn't easy and I'm sure our daughter would have been easier if he'd have said things like "don't speak to your mother like that." Our son has been very easy - just a different personality. Friends who have sent children to private school have a much easier time with their behaviour (there are other issues regarding the high expectations of some of the schools, causing burn-out, but that's different). Private schools have a zero tolerance to poor behaviour, which is easy to implement, because class sizes are smaller, the children can be expelled etc.

And if she is?