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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my teenage daughter

808 replies

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:23

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

OP posts:
Duchess379 · 01/01/2023 18:41

Kick her out! When she's being rude, belittling & manhandling you, get angry & tell her to get out! There are clearly no boundaries & she thinks she can do & say what she likes with the attitude 'what are you going to do about it?' You need to stand up for yourself. What would you do if this was a colleague at work? Would you just take it?

Motelschmotel · 01/01/2023 18:41

Offering her not one but two alternatives to a family diner is 100% pandering!!! Not telling her to cut it out on Boxing Day after the second or third snide remark or one of you would be taking her home - that’s pandering. Sending her to America when you can’t afford it comfortably is pandering on another level entirely!!!

I think you have no concept of how awful some people can be. You’re too nice and too decent. Gosh, you’ve got your work cut out for you OP.

butterpuffed · 01/01/2023 18:42

You do pander to her . Offering her an alternative meal after she screamed about what you were cooking ! You should've told her to take it or leave it .

pinkyredrose · 01/01/2023 18:43

Whatever the consequences are for her being a bitch you need to double up on them. Whatever you've done isn't working. I'd go fucking nuclear on her.

NutellaEllaElla · 01/01/2023 18:45

You've paid 60% so don't go believing that you have to pay the other 40%. That's still a lot of money. Sunk cost fallacy.

TidyDancer · 01/01/2023 18:45

When does the balance of the US trip need to be paid? I would give her until the deadline to improve her behaviour (with clear goals) or tell her you will need to reconsider her going.

And stop offering different dinners. She's well past the age where she is capable of cooking for herself if she doesn't like what's being offered.

BMW6 · 01/01/2023 18:45

Ignore the emotional blackmail "you are showing you love my sister more than me".

She knows what she is doing and is using it to get her own away or away with her appalling behaviour.

MummyJasmin · 01/01/2023 18:45

Im sure this wasn't your intention, but she sounds spoilt. That kind of behaviour is unacceptable.

saturnisturning · 01/01/2023 18:45

I feel like by 17 she’s probably kind of cemented her personality and it so happens that she’s a bitch. She doesn’t sound nice at all op. What is she like to her sister?

Jimboscott0115 · 01/01/2023 18:46

I completely get the cost thing and it may indeed be too late but the argument of you loving her sister more is bollocks and easily explained away with 'well your sister doesn't behave in the way you do and so gets to do nice things, maybe you need to think about the way you behave because it's unacceptable '.

It's a fairly common discussion many of us with more than one child have and if you have a rational argument for your point of view then use it and stand by it.

pointythings · 01/01/2023 18:46

This isn't normal teenage behaviour. Mine are all young adults now (youngest is almost 20) but none have ever behaved like this. They're not saints, we all have our moments, but this sustained negative, entitled, rude behaviour is not normal for a teenager. I get not wanting to lose the deposit for the USA trip, but you could use the 40% outstanding for something else.

And I agree that major loss of lifts, meal choices, outings, pocket money should feature.

Hankunamatata · 01/01/2023 18:47

Why on earth pull you offer dinner options? There is what you cook - no further discussion

ACynicalDad · 01/01/2023 18:47

A child that behaves like that should not be going to the USA on a school trip.

Original poster
Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:47

It was 100% not my intention to have such a spoilt brat for a daughter. DH and I have been far too nice and easygoing with her, I am going to take the advice and toughen up. When she was behaving badly at the restaurant I told her to leave and get something to eat somewhere else but of course she didn’t.

OP posts:
Swimswam · 01/01/2023 18:48

Does she have a job? Eg a Saturday job or regular babysitting If not I would be giving he a deadline to get one. She will need spending money in America and you have decided she needs to provide that.
Also for food stop offering alternatives.
Bad behaviour on trips/days out don’t ask her on the next ones.
what chores does she do around the house? She could start doing all her own washing, changing her bed clothes, cleaning her room etc.
All good skills needed for adult hood.

Alfiexx1 · 01/01/2023 18:51

Does anyone like their teenagers?

this is incredibly normal if not annoying to deal with

ABigSalad123 · 01/01/2023 18:53

Re the US trip, is there any way you can get a refund on the money you’ve already paid if your DD doesn’t end up going? And whenever your DD says your treatment of her ‘proves you love her sister more, just keep bringing the conversation back to DD’s behaviour and say things like, ‘we’re talking about you, not your sister’ ad infinitum (this will not only show your DD you care about her and love her, but will also show her you’re committed to helping her behave better and will show her eventually she needs to treat you all with respect).

HashBrownandBeans · 01/01/2023 18:53

There are not very nice people all over the world, they are born that way, they never change, it seems like she’s just rotten to the core. I unfortunately have a teenager the same. She was like it at age 5. It’s not because she’s a teenager. No amount of punishment, discussion, withdrawal of stuff and activities etc has made any difference. It just feeds their victim complex. I’ve given up getting worked up by it now and am just waiting for it to end when they’ve grown up and can go torture the rest of the world instead.

Theydoyaknow · 01/01/2023 18:53

RambamThankyouMam · 01/01/2023 18:29

Well, you raised her!

What a horrible, nasty comment. Happy new Year to you too.

IntentionalError · 01/01/2023 18:53

She shoved me out of the way in the kitchen

My younger brother raised his hand to my mum when he was around 15. My dad immediately tore into him, beat the crap out of him and physically threw him out of the house with only the clothes he was wearing. He didn’t do it again…

Riapia · 01/01/2023 18:53

One word in your OP stood out.
SPOILT.
Could this be in any way connected to her behaviour?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 01/01/2023 18:54

The food thing sounds a bit strange, does she eat okay? Is she a healthy weight?

My dd was like this when she had an ED, she was awful to live with because she wasn't eating enough and so became this angry, ungrateful person I didn't recognise.

If there's no concerns there then you need to have some consequences in place, do you give her an allowance? Give her lifts to places? I'd stop anything like that until she behaves better.

Original poster
Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:54

I mean some of my friends do like their teenagers, they tell me how theirs make them a cup of tea, make dinner for them all etc I get one who doesn’t even buy me and her dad a Christmas present!! When I asked why she said she “didn’t want to waste her money on us” I had to laugh as the alternative is to wonder who the hell I gave birth too.

OP posts:
ShakespearesBlister · 01/01/2023 18:54

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:38

You see I don’t think we do pander to her, there are consequences to her behaviour including taking away her phone and Nintendo. Both DH and I talk to her all the time about her behaviour and how it affects us all including her sister but nothing changes.

She treats you like shit without consequence and you are rewarding her appalling behaviour by paying for a luxury school trip abroad, but you don't think you pander to her? Seriously??

Original poster
Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:56

Shes doing geography A Level hence the school trip. Not compulsory but the school said majority of class going and will help with coursework etc

OP posts: