To think most MIL threads ..

[Treetrim]

Make the MIL look quite normal but the DIL can seem seem odd, unkind , anxious and generally ungrateful.

This. Obviously written from the OP's POV but unless they're outright lying lots of these MiLs sound like nightmares. (Mine's lovely).

@Throwncrumbs I don’t think anybody should just turn up without an invite. Maybe your daughter in laws mum helps her a lot

I think the vast majority of MIL threads are made up.

Yes her mother said this. We all got along, and maybe her mother does do a lot but it’s the being treated different. These are a few of the things that have made me feel rubbish.

Yes but my DIL doesn’t have to ask permission from my son for her to be able to visit. That’s the difference.

My MIL has hated every single one of DP's girlfriends. I'm no exception. Luckily I'm old enough to not get too hurt & upset. I facilitate his relationship with her as I feel it's what's best for him. Even though she's hurtful towards him. I have cut off from her as I can't tolerate her aggression which she's legendary locally for.

That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. 💐

Isn't it about context and age appropriateness?

There's a big difference between giving a 4-year-old a custard tart and a 4-month-old a custard tart?

I often think they are to do with anxiety and insecurity, and probably poor communication all round.

I'm sure a few are reasonable, but really, the endless stream of them. They can't all be right, by a long margin.

Yup.

I also think people only come on here to rant when there is an issue. It would be weird to come on AIBU to talk about your amazing relationship with ILs. That's not what this forum is about.

Also, many people it's a bit of six of one, half a dozen of the other. Surely?

I think the common thread is MILs are interested in the baby (and own son) not the DIL really

so the DIL who is usually knackered etc gets a sense of this and so will favour those who are there for her. So I think it’s easy to see why the MIL won’t be the first choice to spend time with and tension may arise.

I'm thinking of a thick stodgy custard tart and a little baby trying to get it down.

I general perception is that the MILs often sound unhelpful and unsupportive which perhaps is the root of the DIL seemingly unreasonable overreactions to small issues. Raising children well is hard work, it does seem as if the current generation who are grandchildren to babies and young kids are not as willing to roll their sleeves up and be hands on in a way that is actually helpful, as much previous generations have done. And more often than not in laws seem to be worse for this than maternal grandparents. Or at least that’s the impression mumsnet gives.
my grandparents were devoted to their grandchildren, they found so much meaning and life satisfaction in investing in us (time more than money) and nurturing us. My kids grandparents are rather a self indulgent lot in comparison..

Back in the dark ages custard was widely given to babies as one of their first foods because it’s soft. My mum would have had a conniption at a baby being given a raw carrot or floret of broccoli.

This isn't a court of law where there are people to represent both sides?.it's a forum where people come to chat and people let off steam about all sorts of problems.

A huge problem is mother in law's...and I guess mils let off steam on gransnet?

It's a horrible thing to have a child with a man and then realise that his mother hates you and you have to share that child with someone who undermines you at every turn.

Sometimes. More often, no, the mil behaviour sounds childish and entitled. Personally I think the mumsnet demographic is ageing and the attitude to dils is shifting as a result.

Maybe the Mumsnet demographic is getting older as the original mum users are now much older, but have stayed.

I agree.

On the day my husband and I told his parents we were expecting, his mother chimed in with "well don't be expecting childcare, I have done my time!" managing to piss me off, and make my husband feel like shit at the same time.

Weirdly, throughout the pregnancy she obsessively would ask how often my mum was planning to see the baby and if she was intending to babysit. I'd reply saying she seems keen to help out when she can, and I'd get a "well, each to their own, but my life is for living now".

And to this day, she makes her annoyance at my mum being around the kids very obvious, yet she doesn't actually want to spend time with them herself. She seems even angry that my mum wants to spend time with them and resents her for it. It's very strange. And has been incredibly difficult for my husband to process.

On top of that, if you looked at her social media you'd think she was a doting grandmother obsessed with her grandkids. When in reality, she's never shown an interest. My kids do love her though, and as they get older I could see them questioning why the attitude is so different from one grandparent to another. Not overly sure how I'd answer.

I shall be 60 this year, my MIL passed away last year at the age of 87. When I look back at some of the stupid fallouts we had years ago I feel embarrassed. I’m now watching my grown up family leave home and may soon step into the role of MIL, I’m seeing things through new eyes. Thankfully I managed to forge a good relationship with my MIL in later years.
I would say don’t let this phase of your life influence your future too much, not worth it.

As difficult as that sounds, I would accept that my daughter might be comfortable with me dropping in unannounced but my Dil might prefer a bit of warning as her attitudes may well be different. My mum would be happy to see me in my joggers with the house in a tip but the dynamic would be different with mil who expects things to be a certain way for her darling boy. While I'm sorry you haven't to see them over Christmas and that does sound harsh, I would not take offense at being asked to check it's a good time before coming over. That's not unreasonable. It's a pity you know the arrangement is different with the other Gran but comparison is the thief of joy. You don't help yourself be describing it as having to make an appointment. That kind of prickliness will only exacerbate your dil's feelings of wanting to have things in place before you come over.

Blossom I'm sure I was fed custard but that's different in tart form which is quite stodgy

I agree with absolutely all of these. But there are also a lot of posters along the lines of 'it's only natural to favour your own mother'. And I want my mum there but otherwise I just want it to be our little family for months. Or MiLs they're this, that and the other as if by giving birth to a son you're identical to every other woman who's given birth to a son. It's nonsense.

If you're not interfering or batshit, I think that would be very hurtful to be treated so differently/excluded.

In the spirit of scientific enquiry I've looked at the four MIL threads linked as 'similar threads' below. As follows:

“PIL started inviting themselves to stay in our home for between 3-5 days every 3-4 weeks minimum & often would bring extra people we didn't know were coming. They would spend these visits ordering us around, taking over my baby as if they were the parents, undermining me, ignoring what I told them about baby and doing what they wanted anyway, treating us like kids (we are in our 30s and very independent). I was very overwhelmed with all the additional cooking, food shopping, cleaning and laundry that these visits caused.”
... plus a lot more
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4607025-another-mil-thread

“My MIL ( who I get on very well with and who is a fab grandma ) has seriously pissed me off but as it is almost a one off I feel I should let it slide. But then I'm a resentful old cow so maybe it would be better if I said something.
Incident was that MIL was at our house this morning ( helping as she was asked due to a car issue - she is great like that) and then she asked my 10yo DS "Do you have your bag" - as they were leaving for school - "and have you put your lunch and everything in it?"
My DS answers "yep , it's there at the front door and mum packed it for me"
And then she YELLS ( and she is an ex- school principal, so she can do the loud voice really well)
"You are such a spoilt brat!" Twice.”
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4594289-i-never-thought-i-would-start-a-mil-thread-but-here-we-are

“MIL only looks after ds once a week and, although very grateful, it’s making me uneasy. Her and FIL don’t listen to guidelines and, when we’ve picked him up, he’s been outside (on the front garden) in his pushchair, alone. He’s not even been out for a walk and left outside to continue sleeping! Just put in the pushchair and expected to sleep.”
www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4636118-mil

“When ever I see my MiL she always makes a comment about my weight or hair or both on some occasions. In the 20 years I have known her not once has she been kind to me she bullies me and says unkind things about me . I have always been kind to her and never given her any reason to be unkind to me . My husband has only just started saying things like like her weight is because of her meds but this is only because I said to him it upsets me . For 18 years he never said anything he just let her carry on even though he knows it upsets me”
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4564438-mil

As a random-ish sample, make of them what you will, but I'm not sure these bear out the OP's theory that it's usually the DIL being precious and unreasonable.

Yes. Because then you have a child with an upset tummy who won't eat their vegetables. It's a problem!