To think most MIL threads ..

[Treetrim]

Make the MIL look quite normal but the DIL can seem seem odd, unkind , anxious and generally ungrateful.

Infact this reminds me

There used to be a prolific poster who was strangely drawn to mil threads.

The usual where a mil is driving her son and Dil to divorce through boundary bludgeoning behaviour.
And this poster could never ever see it. . once she admitted she and her mil didn't see eye to eye, but in things like political parties and they " rubbed along". .ergo.. everyone should manage like I have. Being utterly blind to people's actual suffering on a level far worse than opposing voter's??

And then you discover the Portuguese ones and it gets worse. Not to mention the embarrassment in my local co-op when the comedian behind the counter insists on announcing in loud voice that, "This woman wants a Portuguese tart."

I think most MIL/DIL threads are down to the ways in which the relationship thrusts people (in some cases) into a familial relationship with people who aren't family. The actual son or daughter of the person is used to making the kind of accommodations we mostly do for people whom we love, even when they're averagely problematic or irritating human beings, whereas the SIL or DIL isn't. I've never viewed myself as marrying into a family -- I just married DH.

My MIL views herself as matriarch (she's the eldest of 13 children) and has always been irritated that I'm not a SAHM with multiple children who goes shopping with her asks her advice all the time, like the other women who married her sons -- but I'm a career-focused mother of one who isn't looking for a new mother-figure. We're civil, but not close. She produced my lovely DH, after all. FIL is lovely. DH finds my parents equally maddening.

I disagree with the OP.

Perhaps says something about the DH/DP and the interaction with their mum as well.

I think these things are more focused now with smaller families. I mean I can't imagine my granny with 12 children and 20 something GC interfering in DsIL lives, she hadn't got the time as she had 7 daughters of her own to fuss over. If on the otherhand the MIL has one son and no daughter it must be much easier to get over invested in their lives.

I've had a variety of experiences with 3 sons and their wildly different partners, I do think it is easier to step back from it if you have another six GC whose mother's are happy for your help, it must be sad if you only have one child and one GC and DIL pushes you out.

I see threads where the poster is told that her DH must stand up to MIL, "cut the apron strings" and "stop being a mummy's boy" implying his must unconditionally take his partner's side against his mother irrespective of the rights and wrongs of the issue. That's a pretty awful position to be put in by your partner.

Honestly I too try and avoid reading all MIL threads. The DIL, often come across so insecure and whinny.
I assume most posters that pile on the mil hate bandwagon are not genuine, frothing on purpose.

I spent the sharp end of 20 years trying to be a good DiL but it meant nothing when he cheated and left me.

My current almost-MiL has no concept of boundaries and my (not-very) DH allows it. She hates his ExW and he allows her to be a pseudo-Parent and meddle. I didn't give birth to he Grandchildren, so she regards me as a nonentity. Given my DH is the Child close by, this is short-sighted as, not only will I be doing no care for her, I won't be picking-up the slack for care he chooses to give. 🤷‍♀️

There is also that -- for many, this person is only in your life because of, and for the duration of, a marriage. Marriages fail and end, and the relationships that only exist because of them do not in many cases outlast them.

I think you're right. My DH is an only child, as was his mum- so we are MIL's only close family. She's a perfectly pleasant (if sometimes irritating, but aren't we all?) person but it can be quite stifling to find yourself at the centre of someone else's world when you are very, very different people. We spend lots of time with her and wouldn't dream of pushing her out but I do think the relationship would be easier if she had siblings, nieces/nephews, other children and other grandchildren to care about. DH has grown up in this relationship so sees it all as perfectly normal but for me there are times when although specific things that she expects/wants are not particularly unreasonable the fact that we can't do or plan anything without having to factor in another grown adult feels quite stressful.

Exactly.

@LlynTegid ..yes this is where the unfortunate problems are laid bare.

Harrased and earl, usually in the cases we see it's because love, trust and respect exists between op and her mum.
We don't usually here of mum's waking up sleeping babies to the. Hold indefinitely whilst the baby needs feeding whilst questioning their breastfeeding choices. Etc etc.
.the mum is usually extremely worried about her own daughter during the birth process and will act accordingly after the birth. Sometimes a mil like the ones complained about on here will barge in with absolutely no care or thought to mum and rushes to the baby....the makes unreasonable petulant demand's on the new mother.

Good point.

I have long felt that the mil threads on here are often the result of self-important, bossy dils who are determined to rule while holding their mil off with a pointy stick. Childish, whiney, jealous, possessive, needy...they expect to be exalted for having a baby and think their dh has to square it with them before having a relationship with their own mum.
And mumsnet cheer them on.

There are difficult people in every generation, sometimes the MIL is horrible, sometimes it’s the DIL looking for trouble and sometimes it’s just two people with their own foibles who find it difficult to get on. Good to see a bit more balance on here and less projection and jumping to conclusions. It’s very difficult to tell from posts who is being unreasonable but you can sometimes get a flavour.

Pictoosh it's an interesting take because usually I see a desperate Dil trying to be accommodating and polite and struggling under the sheer weight of her mils demands and her DH either conditioned to do the battle axe's bidding or suffering himself from fog to get his own life. ...

And your description matches the mil not the Dil.

Absolutely . I nearly always find myself on the side of the MIL.

@UWhatNow . If you think the custard tart scenario is common occurrence then you haven't been on many Dil/mil threads

@pictoosh "determined to rule" what exactly? Their own life? Their child's life?

I find this take very strange. And some of the comments on here mention something similar, especially those saying the DIL is insecure, demanding, whiney, controlling... but what exactly are they doing to deserve these descriptions? Aren't they just setting boundaries within their own lives and raising their own family? Much like the MILs did in their own time.

Therefore isn't this thread proving the DILs right? That some MILs have no understanding or respect for the boundaries these woman (and their husbands) are setting for their own families. Which enables friction and resentment.

Also, I know "not all MIL", just as it wouldn't be "all DILs" either. These woman have been brought together not by choice, but by circumstance. Surely it would be ridiculous to assume all would get along. People will always rub eachother up the wrong way, or clash.

occasionally. But mostly it is, as others have said the MIL being disrespectful / interfering / controlling / trying to re-live their own years of mothering rather than considering that they are a grandmother now and should ask and follow their DILs lead not impose their ideas / choices.

i have a son and think hard about what I have learned from my MIL. It’s a long list of ‘DONTS ’:

• don’t visit too early after the birth, insist on taking newborn out and then stay out too long.
• don’t try to undermine breastfeeding (or mothers choice of how to feed her baby. If my DIL bottle feeds I’ll back her all the way)
• don’t buy load and load of clothes for the children, insist they wear them, ignore children’s choices and tell them off for being ungrateful
• don’t insist on a long visit to you booked before baby is born, then fill that visit with long days out and many hours in the car, and ask constantly why the baby is crying
• Don’t wake the baby up when your husband tells you to
• Don’t appear in your DILs bedroom at 5am saying you should take the newborn
• dont push your DIL to go out for the evening, promise to call if newborn is distressed and then not call when they’re crying really hard.
• don’t undermine your sons parenting, tell him to hit his children for discipline, tell him his wife is mothering / parenting wrong.
• don’t tell your granddaughters they can’t play with cars as they’re a toy for boys
• dont tell your grandsons they must have short hair otherwise people will think they’re a girl.
• don’t talk a lot about how your grandchildren ‘don’t resemble anyone in the (your) family’. Strangers frequently tell your DIL her children strongly resemble her, it’s just you that has never noticed that. Or is DIL not part of your family, then?

I am usually on the MIL side too on these threads. A lot of DIL posters seem very precious

These evil, batshit, interfering MILs have done at least one thing right - raised their son well enough that the DIL has fell in love with them enough to marry them/live with them

@PipsBaby ..yes of course but I've not read of dils demanding a key for "anytime access" to their pils house or bursting in on mils after gynecology surgery and making demand's on them or demanding fil does X yz .

Or storming into Mils home and telling them where they have gone wrong with decor and cleaning and then rearranging their personal things or reaching into Mils dirty laundry to hand wash her pants.

Etc etc.

Sorry but I think the mil’s Who want their baby grandchildren to stay at their house to play being mummy again are crazy. I also think the ones who stay unwanted for ages at the sons houses are very selfish. I only have daughters but they would soon tell me where to go if I tried this( I have my own life too).
I do think it is a son thing with mothers. My mother in her 90s came out with a whole load of horrible things about my SIL. My SIL is one of the nicest people you could meet and never thinks badly about anyone. She does my mum’s shopping. I think my mum sees her as competition for my brother’s affections. My brother is the golden child

Women can lift...this is oft trotted out as an excuse.

The raising of someone doesn't make them into someone.
Not in my view anyways. I love my DH because we share the same values. Those values are completely opposed to pils values.
My DH is naturally opposite to pils and unfortunately when a meanness rears its ugly head that because of his childhood conditioning ( over money).

My own DC are complete beings with their own personality both very different.
I have not done anything to create those personalitys I can only encourage the usual stuff...being kind etc.

Therefore I think this " they raised the dh " is a moot point but perhaps one grapsed by those very mills who believe they own their son's??