Page 5 | To think most MIL threads ..

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 18:24

For the last.

That's also a huge issue...the Dil being lazy, house a mess, washing out ..not dressed nicely.... obviously darling son can't be expected to do these things himself...it's her fault the lazy grasping hussy who used her feminine evil ways to override his unusual intellectual prowess to subdue him.

Stunningscreamer · 01/01/2023 18:25

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 18:09

This isn't a court of law where there are people to represent both sides?.it's a forum where people come to chat and people let off steam about all sorts of problems.

A huge problem is mother in law's...and I guess mils let off steam on gransnet?

It's a horrible thing to have a child with a man and then realise that his mother hates you and you have to share that child with someone who undermines you at every turn.

Equally though it would be a horrible thing to have a child and bring them up well only to have someone who hates you who comes into their life and excludes you. I'm not saying that that's common, I don't know and I haven't experienced it personally but I do believe it's possible and have read threads that sound that unreasonable.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 01/01/2023 18:28

I think dh’s make a difference here.
My ds is a good dh and supports his dw, at the same time we have a good relationship with our ds and he wouldn’t allow us to be treated badly.
My dsil is the same. He supports his wife, our dd, but also loves his dp’s and has a good relationship with them.
I don’t understand men who throw their parents to the wolves when their dw’s are being unreasonable and I don’t understand men not pulling their parents up if they’re rude to the dil.

Stunningscreamer · 01/01/2023 18:29

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 01/01/2023 18:28

I think dh’s make a difference here.
My ds is a good dh and supports his dw, at the same time we have a good relationship with our ds and he wouldn’t allow us to be treated badly.
My dsil is the same. He supports his wife, our dd, but also loves his dp’s and has a good relationship with them.
I don’t understand men who throw their parents to the wolves when their dw’s are being unreasonable and I don’t understand men not pulling their parents up if they’re rude to the dil.

Very good point.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 18:30

Another blooming I guess it depends on whether he's allowed to stick up for his wife?
Some men are in fog and they have a parents who doesn't care for their feelings, only whether they tow their line..

Forthelast · 01/01/2023 18:31

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 18:24

For the last.

That's also a huge issue...the Dil being lazy, house a mess, washing out ..not dressed nicely.... obviously darling son can't be expected to do these things himself...it's her fault the lazy grasping hussy who used her feminine evil ways to override his unusual intellectual prowess to subdue him.

Yes. The young mother's own mum sees a person that she loves trying her best and tends to get stuck in while the mil tends to take notes and reflect how much better she did it and what a better life her poor tired son would have with a better coper. Not always be any stretch. But it's a natural reaction to care more about your own child. The baby is a lovely excitement to both grandparents but the maternal grandparent is the one whose excitement is tempered as she's more likely to worry about mum and make sure she's doing ok. It comes across as more humane to a vulnerable new mum. Not always but I often read about mils and think where is their compassion. Babies can be awfully difficult. It's not a competition about how much better you did it and it's not going to go well for you if you criticise and centre your own enjoyment.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 18:33

Stunning screamer absolutely and yes it does happen.

But if your child suddenly or gradually cut you off what would you do?

I would be questioning myself, why? Have I said something, do I like their partners? How are we different/alike/ would my company make them feel good or bad??

Am I cheery or am I a little miserable? What's going on for them? Am I respectfull, do I make them feel bad?

Surely for people we really love a little self reflection is the least we can do and then to ask nicely or apologize?

thecatsthecats · 01/01/2023 18:36

Eh, I feel like MILs have the trickier end of the relationship because they have a lot more time to envision how they expect the relationship to be.

My MIL is lovely, but it's her plain and clear wish that her children and her best friend's children all be each other's best friends all live within a mile radius, spend all occasions together, and that all those who marry in forget their birth families and also live in this happy picture. I know this because in overexcited moments she has told me! (well, not the forgetting birth families bit - DH told me about that, she's pushed out his dad's side)

She's not a twat though, so whenever there's a change to this vision, you can see that she has a momentary "Oh shit" feeling, before she tells us that our plans sound lovely.

I think that the best think on both sides is to keep the invites open, and to hear yes and no, even when they are only implied.

GettingStuffed · 01/01/2023 18:41

As a MiL I took the view that I love my children and as their spouses love them too we automatically have something in common. Out of 6 grandchildren only one looks after my side and I admit I get a but miffed when DiLs friends say how much she looks like her mum.

I will admit she does have her mum's eyes.

ancientgran · 01/01/2023 19:02

scooobie · 01/01/2023 16:28

As someone who has a the MIL from hell, think childhood abuse which resulted in years of therapy for DH. I find it amusing to listen to others moan on about the annoying things theirs do. Which are often decidedly trivial and tbh I find those who will happily accept loads of childcare and then spend ages slagging off their PIL’s (& the way they look after their children) fairly abhorrent.

I know of one family where the 82 year old MIL picks up from school every day but the Mum hasn’t got a good word to say about her. Most of the vitriol is around the way MIL sometimes brings sweets to pick up. They wouldn’t be able to work without her. To use some cliches they don’t know how lucky they are and you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.

I've done lots of childcare and enabled the parents to save lots of money. My rule is if they are in my house it's my rules and the parents are fine with it as the ground rules are set. I wouldn't do something dangerous so car seats etc are enforced, I wouldn't do something that can't be changed when they leave my house like cutting their hair (although I've been tempted) but if I feel like giving them chips for dinner or a bar of chocolate as a treat I just do it or even watching cartoons when we've been busy and they need to lie on the sofa and chill for half an hour. I think that's the deal when you want free childcare, if you want someone who will pick wild honey berries from the top of a mountain for them then you can pay for it.

The children are well aware that the rules in my house in no way impact on mum and dad's rules, in their house they make the rules and if they say mum and dad don't let me I say that's fine as granny's rules only apply in granny's house.

ancientgran · 01/01/2023 19:11

Forthelast · 01/01/2023 18:18

As difficult as that sounds, I would accept that my daughter might be comfortable with me dropping in unannounced but my Dil might prefer a bit of warning as her attitudes may well be different. My mum would be happy to see me in my joggers with the house in a tip but the dynamic would be different with mil who expects things to be a certain way for her darling boy. While I'm sorry you haven't to see them over Christmas and that does sound harsh, I would not take offense at being asked to check it's a good time before coming over. That's not unreasonable. It's a pity you know the arrangement is different with the other Gran but comparison is the thief of joy. You don't help yourself be describing it as having to make an appointment. That kind of prickliness will only exacerbate your dil's feelings of wanting to have things in place before you come over.

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With one of my DsIL it is the opposite, she says her mother is very critical about the house, how she raises the baby giving lots of unwanted advice etc so she is more relaxed with me, I think our parenting styles are more in tune that she is with her mother as we are both a bit laid back, both breastfed babies where her mum didn't so maybe it is more about personalities sometimes.

Forthelast · 01/01/2023 19:17

ancientgran · 01/01/2023 19:11

With one of my DsIL it is the opposite, she says her mother is very critical about the house, how she raises the baby giving lots of unwanted advice etc so she is more relaxed with me, I think our parenting styles are more in tune that she is with her mother as we are both a bit laid back, both breastfed babies where her mum didn't so maybe it is more about personalities sometimes.

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Yes, I've known situations like that too. It all seems so easy from the outside looking in - just keep a lid on your thoughts and be kind. That would work regardless.

Catsstillrock · 01/01/2023 19:50

The ‘fairness’ point is misguided, though. And if as a MIL you are thinking that way you need to stand back and readjust your approach.

focus on making your relationship with you son’s family as good as it can be, don’t track / count whether you are getting the same number of visits / treatment as your DILs own mother.

if they have a good relationship, you’ll never match it, which doesn’t mean you can’t have a good relationship of your own. But it will be different.

if you go in with a competitive (jealous?) mindset you’re creating some of those bad outcomes.

stuff like distance matters too. The poster complaining she’s didn’t see her grandchildren over Xmas gives no context. Where do they live? If it’s under an hour away, maybe she has a point.

We’ve not seen the PILs this Xmas but they live a plan ride away and they and DH left it too late to book (we traveled there every other year).

Throwncrumbs · 01/01/2023 20:13

Forthelast · 01/01/2023 18:18

As difficult as that sounds, I would accept that my daughter might be comfortable with me dropping in unannounced but my Dil might prefer a bit of warning as her attitudes may well be different. My mum would be happy to see me in my joggers with the house in a tip but the dynamic would be different with mil who expects things to be a certain way for her darling boy. While I'm sorry you haven't to see them over Christmas and that does sound harsh, I would not take offense at being asked to check it's a good time before coming over. That's not unreasonable. It's a pity you know the arrangement is different with the other Gran but comparison is the thief of joy. You don't help yourself be describing it as having to make an appointment. That kind of prickliness will only exacerbate your dil's feelings of wanting to have things in place before you come over.

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As you are a DIL you can only see from your perspective, I’m not going into detail, maybe you will see or feel differently when you become a MIL and you sons wife treats you differently.

Throwncrumbs · 01/01/2023 20:16

I should also add that your son allows you to be treated differently…it’s his home too!

lovelypidgeon · 01/01/2023 20:46

I think in relation to involvement with young grandchildren some MILs do need to remember that there IS a huge difference between their relationship with their DIL and the DIL's relationship with her own mother. The very early days of motherhood can be difficult- recovering from the physical issues of giving birth, getting to grips with breastfeeding, hormonal changes, lack of sleep etc. I think it's perfectly reasonable that a new mother feels more comfortable having her own mother around when she's dealing with these pretty personal changes than she does having someone she personally isn't as close to around. Too often I think people in general forget that the mother of a new baby has her own right to privacy and dignity. Personally I'm really happy that my DC have a strong relationship with all their grandparents and have enjoyed time alone being spoiled by them once they were old enough but when I felt vulnerable etc the only people I wanted around other than for short visits were DH and my own mother. I think a lot of MIL/DIL conflicts would be resolved more easily if MILs (and their friends and family) could see that this is not personal and doesn't mean that there is a competition between the 2 sets of grandparents from day 1.

healthadvice123 · 01/01/2023 20:46

I think a lot on here who are very precious about their kids and a bit ott about it all
We all love our kids of course but mil allowing one more chocolate button than you do is really not a battle to have

123boom · 01/01/2023 20:49

Another thread about mil posts!

Mummyof287 · 01/01/2023 21:10

Ha! Maybe sometimes, but if I wrote a thread (or a book) on my toxic self centered and morally dysfunctional MIL you would certainly be thinking the opposite!

Olinguita · 01/01/2023 21:42

lovelypidgeon · 01/01/2023 20:46

I think in relation to involvement with young grandchildren some MILs do need to remember that there IS a huge difference between their relationship with their DIL and the DIL's relationship with her own mother. The very early days of motherhood can be difficult- recovering from the physical issues of giving birth, getting to grips with breastfeeding, hormonal changes, lack of sleep etc. I think it's perfectly reasonable that a new mother feels more comfortable having her own mother around when she's dealing with these pretty personal changes than she does having someone she personally isn't as close to around. Too often I think people in general forget that the mother of a new baby has her own right to privacy and dignity. Personally I'm really happy that my DC have a strong relationship with all their grandparents and have enjoyed time alone being spoiled by them once they were old enough but when I felt vulnerable etc the only people I wanted around other than for short visits were DH and my own mother. I think a lot of MIL/DIL conflicts would be resolved more easily if MILs (and their friends and family) could see that this is not personal and doesn't mean that there is a competition between the 2 sets of grandparents from day 1.

This, with bells on.
MILs who are insensitive to DILs' need for privacy and dignity in the immediate aftermath of birth do themselves absolutely no favours and can do a lot of long-term damage to the MIL/DIL relationship. It is a hugely vulnerable and emotional time for a new mum. Not saying MIL should be shut out, but it's astonishing to me how many of them both on here and in real life have absolutely zero regards for the wellbeing of the new mum.
Mine stayed with us for two months when my son was a newborn and it was bloody awful. She was about as useful as a chocolate teapot, had no regard for my privacy, amplified tensions between me and my sleep deprived husband and treated the baby like he was some kind of emotional support animal. Our relationship has not recovered.

Stunningscreamer · 01/01/2023 21:46

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 18:33

Stunning screamer absolutely and yes it does happen.

But if your child suddenly or gradually cut you off what would you do?

I would be questioning myself, why? Have I said something, do I like their partners? How are we different/alike/ would my company make them feel good or bad??

Am I cheery or am I a little miserable? What's going on for them? Am I respectfull, do I make them feel bad?

Surely for people we really love a little self reflection is the least we can do and then to ask nicely or apologize?

Yes and that goes both ways.

Stunningscreamer · 01/01/2023 21:50

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 18:30

Another blooming I guess it depends on whether he's allowed to stick up for his wife?
Some men are in fog and they have a parents who doesn't care for their feelings, only whether they tow their line..

Yes and some men have wives who are like that. Remember that MiLs were once DiLs. There is no sudden transformation when your son has children. The same women who can be nightmare MiLs were probably nightmare DiLs. I just don't get why people can't see it can either side that's a nightmare.

Calphurnia88 · 01/01/2023 21:58

Treetrim · 01/01/2023 13:15

Make the MIL look quite normal but the DIL can seem seem odd, unkind , anxious and generally ungrateful.

No, I would say the majority of MIL threads make the MIL seem moderately to extremely unreasonable. There is the odd thread where the DIL is clearly in the wrong, but the ratio probably isn't dissimilar to threads about other relations e.g. husbands, or even friends. Obviously we're only hearing one side of the story but you can say the same for any thread on Mumsnet where the OP is complaining about someone or something.

What is interesting in MIL threads are the responses, as they seem to elicit such extremes from both sides. In and amongst the more balanced replies, you have posters who advise OP to go NC no matter how big or small the misdemeanor is (unhelpful), and on the other end of the scale, you have posters who seem to think a slight on one MIL is a slight on all MIL, and will therefore appear to bend over backwards to defend the most bizarre behaviour (also unhelpful). In both instances I suspect these posters are projecting negative relationships with their own MIL/DIL.

The one reply I always find strange on MIL threads is 'just wait until your son has a DC!' , etc - this isn't the gotcha moment these posters think it is, as presumably OP will remember how annoying it was when MIL did X and therefore won't do X when they're in the same position.

pictoosh · 01/01/2023 21:58

"Yes and some men have wives who are like that. Remember that MiLs were once DiLs. There is no sudden transformation when your son has children. The same women who can be nightmare MiLs were probably nightmare DiLs. I just don't get why people can't see it can either side that's a nightmare."

I agree.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 22:39

Stunning creamer I agree.
My mil was absolutely horrible to her mil, DH said he never spent an Xmas with her.
And as an old lady she shunned her from her home and had her for a few hours only.

Karma definitely bit her on the arse. .

All I know is as a mil I will try and be as respectfully as I can be and ask.

Respect my DC lives even if I have to bite my tongue because I'm not the last word,I am not the expert on anything.

And if relationship break down and I genuinely want to repair it I will be reflective and humble. I will genuinely listen.