MIL

[Angel49]

When ever I see my MiL she always makes a comment about my weight or hair or both on some occasions. In the 20 years I have known her not once has she been kind to me she bullies me and says unkind things about me . I have always been kind to her and never given her any reason to be unkind to me . My husband has only just started saying things like like her weight is because of her meds but this is only because I said to him it upsets me . For 18 years he never said anything he just let her carry on even though he knows it upsets me . If my family were unkind to him I would say that’s not nice please don’t say that to him again but he won’t put a stop to it with his mum . Not one visit goes by without unkind comments from her . When we couldn’t see her because of Covid restrictions it was lovely as she couldn’t be cruel . She’d have digs in the phone saying her other grown up children still see her insinuating that we should . I am CEV so we are very careful with Covid about . Any advice from anyone would be gratefully accepted . Thank you x

I’d stop having anything to do with her. You don’t need this horribleness in your life. No one does.

I wouldn't bother seeing her again. Your husband can go see her by himself. Someone who purposefully insults me, and tries to hurt me, isn't getting any of my time or effort.

I'd return the nasty comments, when she comments on your weight you reply, yes MIL you could do with losing a few pounds too, difficult isn't it?.
When she comments on the condition of your hair, you reply, I see you have problems with yours too., what products are you trying?
I had this with an old boyfriends Mum, she soon stopped.

Thank you . I did think of doing this but wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do . I think I will stop seeing her as it’s too upsetting. Thank you for your reply x

Thank you . I will not see her anymore. Thank you for your advice x

Thank you . I don’t know why they have to be so nasty . X

Call her out every single time. Ask her if she meant to be rude/offensive or tell your DH you will no longer see her. Go NC life is short. I don’t understand people thinking they owe horrible relatives visits because they are relatives and deserve respect.
think of this was a friend and they did this you would stop seeing them so treat MIL the same.

hardly Any of her family visit her because of her nasty tongue . She has no friends & I can understand why x

I wouldn’t see her anymore. You won’t be missing out on anything. You don’t need people like that in your life, family or not.

Let your dh deal with her and just tell him you no longer want any contact with her for your own well being.

You will feel much happier for it.

Ditch your dh too op. He hasn't got the balls to have your back.

I'd ditch both of them to be honest, but seriously, if your MIL disrespects you continuously, don't feel any guilt at all in not going to see her. Does she come to your house at all?

Hi there, hope you are ok - I really feel for you as I have been through the exact same thing with my MIL, things got to be so bad with her that recently she tried to punch me numerous times because I defended myself when I overheard her slagging me off. For 20 years I just took her abuse but when it came to point where it got physical that was when I decided enough was enough and I have now not had any contact with her for 3 months. The relief of not seeing her or hearing her poisonous voice is immense - I really wish I had gone non-contact with her years ago. Good luck in whatever you decide to do - oh and just ignore anything horrible that she has said to you in the past, it sounds like it is all coming from jealousy!

Thank you for replying. I think I will stop contact with her as it’s never ending x

She doesn’t come to our house we normally visit her . X

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you too . I’m glad you found the strength to stop contact . With all the support I have had from here I think it’s time I stopped contact with her , it’s gone on too long . Thank you for replying , good luck with everything xx

I have always been kind to her and never given her any reason to be unkind to me .

That's where you are going wrong. She doesn't see "kind" - she sees "pushover".

Next time she makes a cruel remark, what would happen if you told her to shut her nasty mouth or leave your house?

Sorry - how would it feel, next time she does this, to stand up & say "I am so bored of your nasty mouth, I'm going home & don;t want to see you until you apologise" ?

& then calmly go home & enjoy the peace of not dealing with her any more?
How would you DH react if you did this?

OP it sounds like my MIL. She’s a horrible specimen of humanity.

MN will declare go no contact because all families are just so simple that way. But
back in the real world the complexities of these relationships are shit and it’s not quite as easy as walking away.

Maybe come up with some well rehearsed responses that let her know you’re unhappy while putting her in her place at the same time?
”you’re so obsessed with my weight, I think you might be jealous of my curves”
”I don’t see fat as an insult” is also a good one
one an internet friend told her MIL that has always stuck with me alone the lines of “I’m not so shallow as to be bothered with aesthetics, I’m happy as I am and I don’t care for other’s opinions on appearance, I pity those who do” (I’m told this one works a treat!)

It’s a power game and if she thinks it hurts you or will annoy you in anyway then she’ll keep doing it. You need to let it wash over you. Grey rock any comments you don’t like and throw wee treats her way when she behaves appropriately.

“Hi Mary, how are you? So put me out of my suspense, will I be getting a comment about my weight or my hair today..?” as soon as you get there…

if that doesn’t make her see what a rude cow she is, NC…

Thank you all . I’m new to mums net so don’t know if when I reply I’m replying to the post I’ve read or the reply is seen by all . I want to thank you all for your advice and kindness . I have taken it all on board and will use your advice . I am very grateful to each and everyone of you . I hope you can all see this message . I wish you all lots of happiness x

I’m not sure how hubby would react . I think he is scared of confrontation with her as she has a very nasty tongue . Apparently she’s always been like this . X

DH is suffering from the FOG - this is a great explanatory link, but have a good look around the whole site OP - you will recognise MiL on some pages! - outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Also have a look at the "But We Took You To Stately Homes!" threads - for adult survivors of dysfunctional parents. PP there recommend "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as a helpful resource.

And this was posted by the remarkable PP @thefoundations elsethread - a huge help for people who are yet to understand that their family dynamic is toxic, because to them it feels 'normal', as they are still operating under the 'FOG':

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

The day I decided to stop seeing my MIL became my Independence Day. I gave up listening to the lies and the poison.
My life is much calmer now

I completely agree that your DH should have said something to her the first time. However I'm gobsmacked that you've just put up with it so these years.
Why the hell don't you say anything?
Why do you think you should just sit there and tolerate it?

I didn’t want to be disrespectful and thought my husband would stick up for me . He has sisters too who if the MIl said I’d said something they would make my life hard too . There has been lots of other things going on like being unkind to my children. We were both married before and she don’t like it that I have children even though he has a child too . My children stopped going to visit her as she was very nasty to them . I told them if they didn’t want to visit I would respect their wish and arrange for them to see their dad or my parents when it was time to visit her so they didn’t have to go through it anymore . It’s been very hard .