To think most MIL threads ..

[Treetrim]

Make the MIL look quite normal but the DIL can seem seem odd, unkind , anxious and generally ungrateful.

I know of 3 grown men currently in therapy for trauma caused by their parents. Trauma that came to light when they had their own families and realised the extent of the damage done and now refuse to allow this trauma to trickle down another generation.

People do not fall in love with their spouses because of how their parents raised them. To take credit for an entire persons personality and traits, is ridiculous.

Some do make me scratch my head and I think sometimes people are looking for a fight or making some very inconsequential point their hill to die on.

However many, including myself, have genuine reasons for not wanting a relationship with our MILs (mine is an alcoholic for example and as OH refuses to speak to her then I won’t entertain her either).

I think the MIL/DIL relationship is an exceptionally difficult one and no one comes out looking good on many occasions. I say that as someone who was really close with her MIL before countless fall outs. I busted my butt to make the relationship work because I truly understand it must be hard for both parties. It’s hard having someone come in and step on your toes in a motherly fashion, someone who won’t ever be your mum and really should mind their own business more often. It’s hard being MIL because in many cases the DIL favours their side of the family. I’ve taken a massive step back now because we were getting on each other’s nerves. It’s no one’s fault entirely, people just clash.
Oh and there have been so many threads making MIL’s sound horrible that it’s only fair to admit DIL’s have their flaws too. ;)
One thing I have learned is that it’s very important to let new parents raise their own kids - if you don’t interfere in their decisions it’s easy to get on with each other. Don’t ask heated questions, just follow their lead and parent like you’ve watched them do. Offer support but don’t keep nagging. Then I’m sure the MIL/DIL relationship will be more easily managed.

It’s surprisingly common. A grandparent having the audacity to feed their child anything other than raw broccoli and tap water sets women off in this forum for some reason.

The first sentence is a perfect example of OP’s point.

A grandparent wanting their grandchildren to stay over at their house so they can spoil them in the absence of their parents, is now wait for it….’crazy’. Not sure what kind of childhood most people on MN had. But for most people, the best times they had in their childhood was when staying over at the grandparents. Because your parents raised you and your grandparents spoilt you. That’s what creates normal, balance human beings, if indeed you are lucky enough to have grandparents living near you.

This place is very, very strange.

As someone who has a the MIL from hell, think childhood abuse which resulted in years of therapy for DH. I find it amusing to listen to others moan on about the annoying things theirs do. Which are often decidedly trivial and tbh I find those who will happily accept loads of childcare and then spend ages slagging off their PIL’s (& the way they look after their children) fairly abhorrent.

I know of one family where the 82 year old MIL picks up from school every day but the Mum hasn’t got a good word to say about her. Most of the vitriol is around the way MIL sometimes brings sweets to pick up. They wouldn’t be able to work without her. To use some cliches they don’t know how lucky they are and you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.

It's not surprising that the relationship is often weird though, because whilst there are some DILs and MILs who get on great and love each other, ultimately it is forcing two new family members together who have potentially different ways of doing things and haven't "chosen" each other, but are now "family ". Plus add in generally "women vs. women", the relationships many mothers have with their "perfect" sons, other internalised misogyny, and the complications of any mother/daughter relationship but without the unconditional love and history....yeah its often going to be weird.... can't see how that's a surprise

I look after my grandchildren overnight all the time but not when they were small baby’s under 3 months.
There have been cases of MILs wanting DILs to stop breastfeeding so they could have their baby children overnight.

This. Particularly annoying and in the same vein is “She’s had her turn”. Indeed she has had her turn to be the mother of small children, now it’s her turn to be granny. The relationship between my mum and my son was one of the most loving and beautiful I’ve ever seen, it lasted 40 years until she died. Grandparents can play an incredibly positive role if they’re allowed to.

Babys not baby’s. I can’t edit

@Flossflower I have known instances of this also, which I think is incredibly sad.

In one case, the MIL messaged her son numerous times claiming that the DIL was continuing to breastfeed purely to punish her and stop her from forming a bond with the child and demand he stand up to her. The child was only 2 months old.

Particularly annoying and in the same vein is “She’s had her turn”. Indeed she has had her turn to be the mother of small children, now it’s her turn to be granny.

And the idea that a granny would not be maternal is very, very strange and I think, a bit unnatural.

I blame the men....😆😉

In my experience, anything for an easy life.

Not communicating clearly enough with their wife or mother. Not setting boundaries. IME not something up until the last minute which creates more issues than needed. Not thinking to include their own family and just going along with their wife who often puts her family first.

Two things I've learnt. This is about two adults ( man and wife, initially often young ) both with families, both with traditions, expectations, neither family being wrong, just different. We are expecting two young people to negotiate this with fairness, politeness and maturity.

The other thing I've learnt is - communicate - build open and honest relationships, talk, discuss, compromise, try something new but treat both sides of the family the same.

I remember this thread.

The grandma had taken the baby out without informing either of the parents, so when mum woke up to find baby missing she was understandably concerned.

The baby was only 7 months old. Considering current guidance is to wean from 6 months, starting with fruit and vegetables, then a custard tart would be a problem for a lot of parents (it certainly would be for me).

HTH 🙃

Totally agree. I don't like my MIL, she's a nob. I find myself being petty back, sneakily ...but then have to check myself and stop it as I think about my son and how I wouldn't want his wife to treat me like that (even if I was a nob first) 😂

@Calphurnia88 ..really?? .. but it's been presented as the height of pettiness? ..

A loving reasonable Grandma spoiling her gc?

Is this the real problem right here?

Perception? ..

Really? I think most MIL posts on here show the MIL to be very unreasonable (of course whether the situation has been fairly explained is another question).

But I always, without fail, find myself thinking that it can all be solved by just telling her no! All the DILs saying "MIL won't let me feed my own newborn" etc. Tell her no! "MIL comes to visit every day." Don't let her in! Maybe I am too harsh but I'd find solutions pretty sharpish 😆

The grandmother didn’t just walk in unannounced and take the boy. She was supposed to be looking after the kid and took him out while the mother was having a nap. And a one-off custard tart at 7 months being a problem shows that the problem lies elsewhere.

No, your perception is bonkers here. Sorry.

If anyone at all was looking after my child in my house while I had a nap and I woke to find they were gone with no message/note, I'd lose my shit. A custard tart for a 7 month old is also ridiculous, and I'm nowhere near to being a 'crunchy mum'.

I think we found the OP.

Lol. No I was not the OP.

@takealettermsjones "He's crunchy, and I'm wild" I'm glad to have found another person who remembers!

But in all seriousness I agree, I remember that thread and thought it was very odd that there wasn't at least some communication - it wasn't a case of innocent gran merely looking after tot and found herself in the firing line!

I’m a Mil to my sons wife, I’m only asked to look after the children when her mum can’t do it, I have to phone and make an ‘appointment’ to see my son and grandchildren, her mum comes and goes as she pleases, if I made a comment about ‘I’m not buying for anyone not related to me’ I would be called out for it. I have said I’m not happy about being treated different, and I’m in the wrong. I’ve seen my grandchildren once in 7 weeks, not at all over Christmas…you tell me what’s wrong in this picture, I’m devastated.

Quite. My MIL is brilliant and would almost certainly leave a note if she decided to take DS out if she was caring for him whilst I was napping.

@sst1234 you said yourself 'some of the other posters were equally as outraged as the poster' so perhaps it's your perception that's off.

That sounds really tough. Especially over Christmas.

What was your relationship with your son and DIL like before children came along? Would you see them often?

Also, not sure what the "not related to me" comment is about. Did someone say this?