DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

Why are you still with him?

I’d be kicking the lazy shit out tbh, doesn’t work or add anything to the household, happy for you to live in a tip? Fuck that shit. He can pull his finger out or fuck off.

Lol. Take away his toys?! How about you get him to grow up all by himself?

Well you wouldn’t be unreasonable to tell him to leave quite honestly. What is he contributing to the household? Nothing? Then it would be easier without him!

Don’t faff about with garden equipment, dump the cocklodger and get rid.

Get rid of this cocklodger and do yourself and your DC a favour

Do you still love and respect him?

Frankly I’d take away his gardening equipment and his house keys - he doesn’t sound as if he’s contributing much to the marriage or the family.

Whilst I would find this extremely frustrating and agree he needs to step up and either do more round the house or get a job, I can’t help but feel if a man was talking about confiscating his wife’s hobby equipment everyone would be saying how controlling and abusive it is.

Well, it won’t solve the root issue, so it would be useless, rather than unreasonable.

Have you never considered divorcing?

I'd tell him I want a divorce and if that doesn't shake things up, I'd go ahead and get one. What is the point of him?

No you of course cannot take away an adults belongings.

but you can choose not to continue to be married to him. Why have you but up with such disrespect for 18 years? Get some counselling for yourself.

Well, no, you can't confiscate his stuff. He's not a child.

But you can divorce him. Why on earth have you put up with this for eighteen years?

Stop being a mug.

Do u think he could be suffering from depression? I know someone in a similar situation. If this is not the case then I think.u need to consider that nothing will change unless u force his hand.

I'd be taking away his front door key with him on the other side of it.

Seriously you & your children are embarrassed by the state of the house & your H does f-all?
Hes a cocklodger, get rid.

You’re focusing on the wrong things, he won’t change, why are you with him? You’d be better off on your own.

He won’t suddenly change because you take his gardening stuff away, he hasn’t all this time.

YABU for allowing him to sponge off you and bring nothing to family life. I'm not talking money, just a bit of effort would probably go a long way

I would really consider leaving.

YABU to take equipment off him, yes. He’s not a child, and it’s controlling.
However YWNBU to tell him how unhappy you are with the situation. Personally I would be leaving him.

Definitely this.

You are literally considering taking toys away from a grown adult as punishment instead of the glaringly obvious.

Ok, thanks for the replies. I am with him because I love him, we have been through loads of life events and memories, and on balance I consider that the DC will be happiest with both parents. Although his behaviour has negatively impacted their childhoods in lots of ways by the environment, he and his family have been positive overall.

I spend a lot of time fantasising about living somewhere else.

What does he actually bring to the relationship? Kick out the useless tosser.

Why don’t you ground him while you’re at it, or send him to bed with no supper?

FFS he’s a grown adult, throw his lazy arse out.

I can’t help but feel if a man was talking about confiscating his wife’s hobby equipment everyone would be saying how controlling and abusive it is.

Yes agree. For some reason it's ok for women to refuse to return to work & to still have help from a cleaner even when children are grown up. I'm intrigued as to what his hobby is.

Honestly though I don't think I could stay with him if the house was such a mess and he wouldn't allow me to intervene. If he hasn't worked for 18 years I don't even know what job he could successfully get & stick at. I think you need to consider that this could be going on another 40 years.

I voted YABU, because you need to LTB