DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

Why has it taken so long for you to address this ?

He's either lazy and selfish or struggling with his mental health. Either way you need a proper conversation about your lives going forward.

If he won’t sell and move.

And you won’t leave.

Can you afford to fix the roof, gutters and rewire, then decorate?

If you can’t, what’s the long-term plan when it’s eventually uninhabitable?

I would also add that if your kids don't want to bring friends home, will they want to bring a partner and future children?

If your DH won't work, then I'd be concerned about things like his pension and joint finances going forward into retirement. How will you afford to live when you want to stop working?

Absolutely @WaitingOutside thus is a huge concern. Many of the things he should be doing during the day are sorting his own admin such as pension. He will not talk about it. He makes no plans. He is very ND in this respect. However he is fiendishly clever. It’s like he can’t apply economic theory to his own plans.

I feel sorry for your dc who have a waste of space as a role model and an enabler who is showing them that it is ok to put up with it. Hope they don't follow their parents' footsteps.

I know PDA is a branch of autism but he reads more on the typical ASD spectrum. It must be very difficult.

In your shoes I would plan for divorce. Without the intention to go through with it I would gather a solicitor and a best friend and create a plan- when, how, where would I live etc. Get the right advice for your situation on benefits etc.

It does not sound like he would have shared custody. Get the reality of what a divorce would entail then decide whether it's worth it. At the minute I dont think youre being honest with yourself about what splitting up will involve or change.

It sounds insufferable. You can decide whether to renegotiate a life with him, continue as you have been or split.

I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever.

You’ll have to accept him shouting at you (a phrase I never thought I’d write on MN about a man to a woman) and insist and arrange.

Do you want to be his mother or his partner? If the former, please feel free to get rid of his hobby equipment.

Better yet, get rid of him.

Your kids will leave as soon as they can. They won't come visit. They won't bring their children over. You did not make the right decision staying.

This a load of nonsense.

Women who are SAHMs get tons of stick even if they do all the childcare and all the housework, and often if they also have a part time job. They're usually told they should think about the poor man and his responsibility for working even if he does absolutely nothing else and only works 9-5.

What it is about MN every single thread is about it being different if we were talking about a man? Really think there must be a load of men or surrendered wives that have come on here to cause trouble.

I agree sounds like could be undiagnosed adhd

My aunt’s partner is like this except it’s her house so she does get to overrule him sometimes but not without a battle. He hoards things and insults her whilst she basically worked and avoids him because it’s too late to terf him out. She’s now basically the carer to an ill angry old man and she’s becoming increasingly stressed and also ill from it. People really don’t change.

One key difference is though that you work so you can move out and rent. Get prepared by having a conversation with a solicitor. Start making it real. You say the kids are old enough, so they can decide how long they spend where.

OP you’re deluding yourself thst this is the best option for the children

the environment sounds horrific

of course you could provide them with a better one if you tried - there are millions of single mothers across the uk who do just that

the poor children have no agency and are stuck there. Have a think about what their descriptions of their childhoods will be to the their therapists in ten years time.

even if you do still love him - it is awful thst you are putting yourself above them

Oh well, you stay because you love him and he owns the house that's falling apart so you can't leave.

You can't change him so looks like you'll just have to carry on as you have been.

At least your children will be able to get away

Yes, I am enabling him. How do I stop without going nuclear?

I do not think my DC will dislike their parents though.

We do a lot together as a family and they love it. Board games, visiting friends, walks. All - all without exception - are suggested by me and initially resisted by DH (‘the weather might change’) but he will do it (another thing that came out of counselling was joining in).

My job is demanding but I am a committed parent. The DCs have had a fun, enriched childhood. They know DH’s is not an adulthood they want (although they would never say that). They are teens and talk about their careers. They will be fine.

Well enjoy having your DC around while you can...the 1st chance they get they will be off and never look back and why should they? You put staying in a house that is dangerous with a man who doesn't care or respect any of you, above them...their safety and emotional wellbeing. Unless you leave or kick him out, the future will be a lonely, bleak one for you OP.

Only in the sense that they get their credit cards out and pay for someone else to do everything. And they probably expect their unfortunate spouses to show unending gratitude.

Oh my god that is one depressing read for New Years Day. PLease please talk to someone in real life about this and get him out. Dont fantasise, make it your reality. Had a similar situ for different reasons, and I had the courage to walk away 3 ago. Life is bloody brilliant now.
Please do this for your sanity. You have one life do not waste it pandering to a grown adults delusions.

You are deluding yourself about your children

Or pathological work and contributing to the family avoidance. How can you love anyone that you don’t respect and you think that taking his toys away is a punishment? Your children are better off without this “role model”.

So ultimately you will have to leave because you can't pay the bills and the house will become uninhabitable anyway. Are you really sure you made the right decision about staying? Particularly as people who know about Scots law say you are wrong in thinking you have no claim on the house?

Trying to find a positive angle... could he set up and a gardener/handyman ?

You say "When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover." What do you mean - did he not actually look after the children when they were younger?

He has some mental health issues. Maybe he also lacks confidence as a result of not having worked. It sounds like he is hiding from his problems and coming up with excuses not to address them. How you support him to tackle these challenges without treating him like a child, I don't know. Taking his things away doesn't feel like the way to deal with it.

I also think he has undiagnosed ADHD and Pathological Demand Avoidance. He very much thinks he is the victim at all times.

How did he fare in the workplace? Is the (undiagnosed) ADHD and PDA why he finished working?

I am not sure what you want from this thread OP.

Your husband is an adult, it’s obvious you can’t make him change, but you don’t want to leave him either. You’ve shot down any suggestions people have provided. No one has some magic solution for you.