DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

I didn't like taking friends home when I was growing up, it's a really horrible feeling. I'd be mortified if my kids ever felt that way about their home.
As most PP have said, its not about his gardening etc, he has no respect for your family.

Forget locking up his tools I'd kick him out. He won't change so you accept this is your life or you make a change.

Can you articulate what you mean when you say you love him?

Only with the benefit of hindsight, a short while after my exh and I divorced, and I had been thinking I loved him for years, I realised I had fallen out of love with him years ago - I was just clinging on to memories, and the tiny snatches of nice times we had together in the last few years would bring the memories ti the surface again and id cling on.

I imagine your children would be happier not living in squalor.

I bet when your dcs are adults they won’t thank you for staying with their father. It sounds as though he’s an obstacle to a well rounded childhood.

Can you explain the difference between this behaviour and that of an alcoholic op? I’m not seeing a great deal. It sounds really similar.

Apologies posted before seeing this.
he needs Behavioural Activation. The fact he has MH difficulties does not give him carte blanche to make your lives unpleasant.

Do you really want another 30-40 years of this life?

Leave him. He'll work out how to survive somehow.

Just leave him. Why have you stayed with him so long? What does he bring?

Why do you love him?

What you have been through in the past is irrelevant. You are unhappy.

Your kids will have both parents. You don’t have to be together for that. They are seeing an unhealthy relationship dynamic though. Which will damage them far more than their parents separating.

But no, you can’t take his things away like a child. You sound like his mother (not blaming you entirely for that) talking about her teenage son. You have both created this dynamic (him more than you).

Plenty of sahm don’t want to go back to work once their kids are older. And any man removing their belongings as punishment would be labelled abusive.

This. Why on earth have you put up with this for 18 years? What message are you sending be your children by staying with this useless man.

Can you explain the difference between this behaviour and that of an alcoholic op? I’m not seeing a great deal. It sounds really similar.

then you’ve never been around an alcoholic.

So your kids have spent their childhood like this?

No friends round ever?

What do your extended families say?

I would definitely discuss spending any more money on gadgets that are not required.
Time to move house op? Might be only way to change things

So who does he believe is at fault?

whatever you tell yourself, the children are suffering and you are suffering. you havent done anything to tackle it as talking to him isnt a form of action. But it doesnt matter what you do, this is who he is and that is damaging to the children’s upbringing.

objectively, what does he do for the children?
what does he do for you?
what does he do towards the running of a home?
what would be worse practically if he wasnt living in the home?
what would be better is he wasnt living in the home?

All I can think is that he must be excellent in bed…

Surely the OPs vagina is like the Sahara living in a hovel with a lazy man child. Mine would be.

If you want someone in your like who costs you money and makes your house and garden a tip you could get a pet.

I think you should leave! Seriously this man has affected your children’s up bringing - once they leave hime you won’t see them. And they certainly won’t want gran-chrildren round your house.

They wouldn’t have had a nicer environment with me all the time. They would still have had this environment for half the week.

We are in Scotland and DH had bought this house plus some investments from money left to him before he met me. I am not on the deeds and in Scotland that means he would keep the house as it is not a marital asset.

So the same or worse environment for the DC half the week, limited rental property with me the other half. Plus the trauma of divorce. I am confident I made the right decision on staying.

Sometimes there is no solution

It does not sound like he wants to change so you can't change him

Accept what you can't change - either put up with him as he is or leave him

Wouldn't the op have to pay maintenance to her husband as she has financially supported him?

I have, maybe behaviour is the wrong word. I’m meaning this from a productivity and cost / benefit perspective.

He is not going to change. You have tried to be reasonable and it has not worked. Whatever the reason he is doing this, he knows it is affecting you and is making no effort to change. This does not bode well going forward.

I also think he has undiagnosed ADHD and Pathological Demand Avoidance. He very much thinks he is the victim at all times.

If you think there are neurodiverse issues then he needs assessment, diagnosis and support. If he won’t agree to that at the very least I don’t know a way forward. You have one life, living the way you are isn’t good for anyone. You aren’t responsible for him - a marriage is built on two people who have each other’s back, that’s not what’s happening here. How much of your life are you going to give him?

🤣