DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

You know that hiding his hobby stuff won't work, don't you, because he will just go out and buy some more. So what are you going to do to improve things for yourself and your children?

Why are you giving a hypothetical situation? Plus, do you not see his behaviour as controlling and abusive? Read the original message again.

Well talking is doing nothing.

You don't want to leave but you clearly hold all the financial cards. You are doing your children a huge disservice.

Maybe you need counselling to understand why you won't do anything

Well firstly he sounds dreadful.

Can you clarify why the house is so dirty/gross? Is it just because he’s not doing his share of housework (unacceptable) or does he actively make it gross - poor hygiene and dirty habits etc? Even single parents with full time jobs manage to clean and maintain their homes. It’s not really fair on the kids to have a house they can’t bring friends back to.

I’m afraid I would be kicking him out. There’s no guarantee he’d seek 50/50. How old are the kids?

He won't change and you won't leave so you'll have to stay as you are.
I couldn't live with someone who doesn't work. Where is his pride?
He might be ND , that shouldn't stop him working.

They wouldn’t have had a nicer environment with me all the time. They would still have had this environment for half the week.

Indeed. Having a better environment 50% of the time sounds good to me.

It doesn’t to you. You are confident you made the right choice.

You are choosing this life, environment, life partner.

He won’t change- you can’t change other people. You can only change yourself.

If you are happy/content to stay with him, you’ll need to accept him. I don’t think there are strategies to get a PDA adult to reverse a lifetime of domestic avoidance.

YABU for not kicking his lazy ass in to touch!

Tell him to get a job, contribute or move out! Dear god why are you tolerating this?

I genuinely couldn't cope with this. You're working full time and he's home doing whatever the hell he wants. What does he actually contribute to your family home?

The walls peel, the roof is coming apart, the wiring and cabling is difficult, the bathrooms are antique. Cleaners leave because it is unsatisfactory to clean. There are issues with the gutters. It’s a lot but he refuses to sell and move. We went to counselling and I accept the house will not be sold.

Right but surely he has money if he's not working that he can fix these things wrong with the house? Or does he sponge off you?

Which cleaners do rooves, guttering and wiring? Stop fibbing to yourself - the cleaners are facing Kim and Aggie, it worrying about missing tiles!

Who said it's ok for women to refuse to return to work? What world do you live in?

I am confident I made the right decision on staying

What are you moaning about then? You made a free adult choice to live this way, to let this man leach off you because you love him (as if love is the only thing a relationship needs, who cares about respect, friendship, trust etc), and you’ve decided to provide this dysfunctional man as an example of how men are allowed to behave to your children, because you think that’s best for them.

You don’t get to make these choices but then also act hard done by, sorry.

@Menomenon Can’t you pay to have a handyman/builders in to fix and improve stuff? Walls, gutters etc. Just post on fb for a local gutter person, it could be sorted in a day. I don’t really get it.

I know it’s unsatisfactory because he should be sorting it, but you don’t need to live like that.

Sounds like a death trap if I'm honest op

Water and poor wiring...and he's in the garden faffing whilst his family are at risk?

Nah...18 years? Did you ever have a social services visit?

I'm shocked by what other women will put up with. The memories are all very well but you need a life of your own now and the memories won't go anywhere.
If you weren't looking after this adult baby he would be forced to get a job and have a life and I have no doubt would be happier.
Get a divorce, start living properly. I ditched my husband of 20 years for being a lazy Cockfosters. By God my life is 100 times better now.
Be careful about taking away his toys. The courts see that as controlling behaviour and you could find yourself in big trouble.

Buy a block of lard and make a chart detailing the things your partner and the lard do around the house. After a week show him the results and he can see for himself that he is as useless as a lump
of lard.

Then split up with him.

You need to start your own thread.

My first choice would be to move out, not necessarily end the relationship, but live in two homes. Yes your children will live part the week with him but at least they can bring friends home to your house. As my kids get older I absolutely want them to feel like they can bring friends to us rather than hanging out goodness knows where.

The other possible option is to buy in help to do the jobs that need doing.

If your DH won't work, then I'd be concerned about things like his pension and joint finances going forward into retirement. How will you afford to live when you want to stop working?

I agree he probably has ADHD etc but the main thing he has is a house which is his card for saying ‘you can’t tell me what to do’ and means he effectively gets to veto any attempts to do improvements. Probably because he is overwhelmed and dislikes change.
I would go back to counselling and make an agreement whereby you have accepted keeping the house and he also must accept that it needs upkeep and you need to accept he probably doesn’t know how to fix anything. Hiding his equipment will not force him into changing he’ll just get more or be obsessed with getting it back.
first job is getting you on the deeds. Second is accepting work done to the house.
third make a list
fourth get a skip or rubbish removals booked in
fifth is builders to do the work.
you know what he is like. If you want to get something done, you’ll have to organise it.

The issue is not the gardening equipment.

I'd guess even misogynists such as Jacob Rees-Mogg or Boris Johnson do more around the house.

Your enabling him. Your kids won’t forget that when their adults,

I only voted YABU because the plan to store his gardening tools and stuff will not work. He will simply go out and buy replacements. So you will be back at square 1 and poorer. Your idea is wishful thinking I’m afraid.

I also cannot comprehend why you have put up with & enabled his shit for so long.

Your poor children