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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

599 replies

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 09:57

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

OP posts:
Rinders · 01/01/2023 10:08

He’s braving like a child, and has been for years. But…you’re also treating him like a child. Taking away his toys?! Something way bigger needs to be happening between you. Your relationship sounds as dysfunctional as the front of your house. In fact, that’s the perfect metaphor for it.

TightFistedWozerk · 01/01/2023 10:09

Take some legal advice before making any decisions.

Your poor child/ren growing up in squalor though, that must hurt. No need for that to continue, so what if he shouts, actually that might be a route for getting him out - you arrange to get things fixed, he kicks off, you call the Police, he gets ejected, you start divorce proceedings. Thoughts?

GoodVibesHere · 01/01/2023 10:09

It's not the equipment that you need to get rid of......

Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:10

BCBird · 01/01/2023 10:04

Do u think he could be suffering from depression? I know someone in a similar situation. If this is not the case then I think.u need to consider that nothing will change unless u force his hand.

Yes, he is treated for that. I also think he has undiagnosed ADHD and Pathological Demand Avoidance. He very much thinks he is the victim at all times.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 01/01/2023 10:12

Replace him with a cleaner and a handyman.

TightFistedWozerk · 01/01/2023 10:12

oh you love him, that's alright then. Ignore my post. your child/ren won't want to bring their partner to yours or further down the line their children but oh well

Burnamer · 01/01/2023 10:12

I voted YABU because confiscating his stuff like a child won’t fix things and is no way to treat an adult, have a relationship or
model good behaviours for your kids.
However, I certainly wouldn’t put up with this and strongly suspect it’s negatively impacting your kids far more than you realise.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 01/01/2023 10:13

So basically he hasn't worked in 18 years, he doesn't clean the house, he doesn't really do anything other than gardening (which you can't really do in winter) Wtf is he doing all day every day while you go to work and do all the housework?

Has he been to the GP about his behaviour? He sounds like a massive child but if your not going to do anything about it - let's face it you wouldn't leave it 18 years if you were really that bothered you're only part of the problem.

Workinghardeveryday · 01/01/2023 10:13

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2023 09:59

I’d be kicking the lazy shit out tbh, doesn’t work or add anything to the household, happy for you to live in a tip? Fuck that shit. He can pull his finger out or fuck off.

Yep, this exactly.

All I can think is that he must be excellent in bed…

Ginandtoner · 01/01/2023 10:14

I don’t see how your dc will benefit from living in a home they don’t want to bring people back to?

Do you think your dh is a good role model for them?

I couldn’t live like that nor would I inflict it on my dc

Amazongirl9 · 01/01/2023 10:14

I couldn’t live like that. What is his explanation for living in a tip and not letting you employ someone to clean or fix things? It sounds like there is some serious disfunction going on.

Cherrysoup · 01/01/2023 10:15

I’d cut off funding so he needs to get a job.

Yabado · 01/01/2023 10:15

Nah use the garden equipment to bury him under the patio 😂

Anotheryear23 · 01/01/2023 10:15

Even if you took away his hobby stuff (you can’t) it wouldn’t make any difference if he hasn’t worked for eighteen years.

Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:15

I'm intrigued as to what his hobby is.

Sorry - the hobby is the faffing in the garden. Obsessive focus on particular items that ‘need doing’. And require e.g particular type of wood chip that requires a particular type of wood chipper. That’s just one example.

To be clear, this isn’t an aesthetic thing. He’s not making the garden attractive.

OP posts:
dudsville · 01/01/2023 10:16

I voted yabu because I think you're looking the wrong way to find your solution. Treating him like a child in the hope that he'll learn to behave like an adult won't make him suddenly see things more clearly.

Barwickunited · 01/01/2023 10:16

What does he say when you talk about it?

IDontCareMatthew · 01/01/2023 10:16

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:07

Ok, thanks for the replies. I am with him because I love him, we have been through loads of life events and memories, and on balance I consider that the DC will be happiest with both parents. Although his behaviour has negatively impacted their childhoods in lots of ways by the environment, he and his family have been positive overall.

I spend a lot of time fantasising about living somewhere else.

Your kids aren't happier though

They are ashamed of their home....they are being pushed away

Orangepolentacake · 01/01/2023 10:18

@Menomenon Sounds like he could have a mix of depression and OCD, or something like that.
I’d discuss his mental health with him and, if that is the underlying issue, he needs to seek support. If he doesn’t seek or accept support, I’d be considering what’s best for the rest of the family

Anotheryear23 · 01/01/2023 10:18

I do think you should divorce him but you don’t want to.

I know you work and you have enough to do but it would only take five minutes to call the council to arrange for the old sofa in the garden to be picked up. You must have limits to what you can tolerate in your home.

rwalker · 01/01/2023 10:18

With houses I think sometimes it can be overwhelming you don’t know where to start so do nothing

you don’t want to split do you ether accept it or change it

make a start in the house do 1 room see if that spurs him on

Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:18

Has he been to the GP about his behaviour? He sounds like a massive child but if your not going to do anything about it - let's face it you wouldn't leave it 18 years if you were really that bothered you're only part of the problem.

Not sure where I have said I have done ‘nothing’ about his behaviour. I am absolutely at my wits end for trying to talk to him. Please do tell me the magic soloution if you have it.

Clearly, buying storage and clearing out the garden shed would be a big deal if I did this.

OP posts:
BloaterW1 · 01/01/2023 10:18

He has spent 18 years faffing in the garden. I think you need to take step back here and relook at your relationship, clearly something is amiss . What do you want from him and your life ?

NoSquirrels · 01/01/2023 10:19

Although his behaviour has negatively impacted their childhoods in lots of ways by the environment, he and his family have been positive overall.

They could have a home environment with you that they felt able to bring their mates to, and still have their dad and his family in their lives.

Anyway, if he’s ND and obsessive and has suspected PDA he’s not going to suddenly knuckle down to a chore list you supply, is he?

So stop wanting that.

Blowthemandown · 01/01/2023 10:19

@Menomenon I agree with @LorenzoVonMatterhorn