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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

599 replies

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 09:57

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

OP posts:
SnowlayRoundabout · 01/01/2023 10:30

I think you need to lay down some boundaries. He needs to get treatment, and start contributing fully in terms of maintaining the house, cooking, cleaning, washing etc, or else he's out.

Are you sure your DC are happiest with him around? He's an absolutely terrible role model, and shows no respect for you. Maybe if he was out of the house you could get things done and they would feel they could bring friends back there.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 01/01/2023 10:30

I am confident I made the right decision on staying.

Then you will have to find a way to make peace with how he behaves, since there is nothing that is going to make him suddenly see the light.

Haffiana · 01/01/2023 10:30

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:07

Ok, thanks for the replies. I am with him because I love him, we have been through loads of life events and memories, and on balance I consider that the DC will be happiest with both parents. Although his behaviour has negatively impacted their childhoods in lots of ways by the environment, he and his family have been positive overall.

I spend a lot of time fantasising about living somewhere else.

This is the cost of loving him then and the cost of your decision about what is best for your dc.

If you have decided it is worth it, then carry on. This is your life. This is it. It is the price you pay and your children pay for your decisions.

NothingHoldingMeBack · 01/01/2023 10:31

What is good about this obsessive man child??

Jeelypieces20storeys · 01/01/2023 10:31

Sounds like ADHD to me. I'd be contacting the council and getting a council property OP, he's not going to change, no matter what you do.

Abeachsomewhere · 01/01/2023 10:32

I feel for you but I also feel for him, given what you said about his depression. He sounds terribly unhappy. Would be consider a review of his meds? Perhaps changing them/dosage might help? What about booking an assessment for ADHD - is that something he would be open to?

BadShepherd · 01/01/2023 10:32

You say his behaviour has negatively impacted your children.

negative impact.

your children.

I dream of a day where women on mn put their children first.

SnowlayRoundabout · 01/01/2023 10:32

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:27

They wouldn’t have had a nicer environment with me all the time. They would still have had this environment for half the week.

We are in Scotland and DH had bought this house plus some investments from money left to him before he met me. I am not on the deeds and in Scotland that means he would keep the house as it is not a marital asset.

So the same or worse environment for the DC half the week, limited rental property with me the other half. Plus the trauma of divorce. I am confident I made the right decision on staying.

Show quote history

You need to get legal advice. I don't know anything about Scots law, so you may well be right about the house, but presumably he would still have a duty to maintain his children and provide a roof over their heads?

Allsnotwell · 01/01/2023 10:33

Oh so he brought the house and you’ve worked to pay for it?

PenguinLove1 · 01/01/2023 10:33

Can you afford to hire help, like a handy man company to do all the maintenance jobs then a decorator to make the house better? It must seem overwhelming just now if its all such a mess.

Why is there furniture in the front garden? Call the council and they will collect it. I know he is being useless but you have allowed it for 18 years, what have you done about the house? If its so bad the kids cant bring friends over then you should be doing something about it, even if its just a good clear out and clean and tidy?

Apairofsparklingeyes · 01/01/2023 10:33

The magic solution is divorce because you’d get rid of all his rubbish as well as not having to deal with his awful behaviour. Your children can still have a good relationship with him but you don’t deserve to be shouted at. He’s abusive and your children are being badly affected by watching their father abuse and control their mother.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2023 10:33

We are in Scotland and DH had bought this house plus some investments from money left to him before he met me. I am not on the deeds and in Scotland that means he would keep the house as it is not a marital asset.

So there’s no impetus for him to change, because he has you over a financial barrel? OP I’d go ahead and make whatever plans you need to go get help around the house - how old are your kids, if they’re fairly young I’d actually make a referral to social worker on grounds of neglect, which might start to process of him moving his arse.

Lesserorfewer · 01/01/2023 10:34

If the house is where you live together then it is the ‘marital home’ and therefor a marital asset.

I live in Scotland, I bought my house before I was married, my (ex) husbands name was never on the deeds or mortgage and we were only married 5 years… it was still considered the marital home when I divorced him and I had to pay him for his share.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 01/01/2023 10:34

I am confident I made the right decision on staying.

Well, what do you want people to tell you?

You're choosing this.

WaddleAway · 01/01/2023 10:34

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:27

They wouldn’t have had a nicer environment with me all the time. They would still have had this environment for half the week.

We are in Scotland and DH had bought this house plus some investments from money left to him before he met me. I am not on the deeds and in Scotland that means he would keep the house as it is not a marital asset.

So the same or worse environment for the DC half the week, limited rental property with me the other half. Plus the trauma of divorce. I am confident I made the right decision on staying.

Show quote history

Then you have to make peace with his behaviour, as it’s obvious he’s not going to change. And confiscating his commitment isn’t going to lead to a changed man who all of a sudden puts his family first.

Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:35

WaddleAway · 01/01/2023 10:20

I imagine your children would be happier not living in squalor.

It isn’t Kim and Aggie territory. I live here and clean. DH will fill the dishwasher and even empty it. He also does laundry. But will not engage with eg clearing tables of papers he has put there.

He is a natural hoarder but I have almost conquered that in the house. We do not have cardboard boxes everywhere. His two sheds are a different story and our basement is unuseable.

OP posts:
ExtraJalapenos · 01/01/2023 10:36

Trust me when I say your kids would be miles happier living somewhere they can bring their friends to!
You're a brilliant role model to them. They will see that. The moment they turn into adults they'll see he is a lazy arsehole who has ruined their childhood

IDontCareMatthew · 01/01/2023 10:37

So now the house is ok?

Your op says the house is awful and cleaners leave

Why do you employ cleaners if the house ( as you NOW say) is fine?

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2023 10:38

I am not on the deeds and in Scotland that means he would keep the house as it is not a marital asset.

I’d get legal advice on that OP, I’m in Scotland and currently separated. My understanding is that the family home is a marital asset regardless of it being bought before the marriage, how it was funded or whether your name is on the deeds.

BadShepherd · 01/01/2023 10:39

One of my best friends is married to a cocklodging fuckwit she won’t leave because “she’ll miss him” and “they’ve been through so much together”.

Aye, and 99% of the problems they’ve had have been caused by him being a total fucking waste of space.

OP, you’re in Scotland which means you’ve got a MUCH greater chance of council/HA than anyone in England. Do you and your children a favour and put the bloody forms in.

saltofcelery · 01/01/2023 10:39

This would be unliveable for me. If you know he won't change and you won't leave him, you'll just have to put up with it and keep putting your poor children through this. They are embarrassed at the state of your house - that would be it for me.

He is lazy, selfish and has zero respect for you if you are working full time and he sees pottering about in the garden and doing nothing else as a job. Absolutely ridiculous but you are continuing to enable his pathetic behaviour.

Hope you can see sense and get your children out of this and into a normal house where they can choose to visit him or not.

Youarethesun · 01/01/2023 10:40

So you aren’t going to leave. He won’t change.

You still can’t remove his belonging like he is a child. You need to accept this is what he is like and that you are actively choosing this. It’s a choice. Your choice.

You say this is down to his mental health and Neurodiversity. Do you really believe it’s ok to take the belongings of an adult, who has several disabilities, has no income of their own so you can inflict some punishment and control over them?

toocold54 · 01/01/2023 10:40

YABU

You can’t take a grown adults things off them because they’re not behaving how you want them to.

You cannot change someone and mould them into the person you want.

You can ask that they do something or act a certain way but if they don’t then it’s on you to decide whether you want to put up with it or leave.

I personally would have left a long time ago.

You say you love him but he obviously doesn’t love you back, which to me is a deal breaker.

FWIW I have ADHD and autism and find basic tasks very overwhelming.
I am a single parent with zero help and have been since a teen. I do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, gardening, life admin etc.
I also work FT and worked PT whilst at uni.

He is more than capable of working a few hours a day and doing some housework and cooking.
Stop allowing yourself to be treated like such a mug.

WaddleAway · 01/01/2023 10:40

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:35

It isn’t Kim and Aggie territory. I live here and clean. DH will fill the dishwasher and even empty it. He also does laundry. But will not engage with eg clearing tables of papers he has put there.

He is a natural hoarder but I have almost conquered that in the house. We do not have cardboard boxes everywhere. His two sheds are a different story and our basement is unuseable.

Show quote history

So why do cleaners leave and why are your children ashamed to bring friends home?

BloaterW1 · 01/01/2023 10:41

Sounds like you are staying, you won't change him so not sure what you want from the posts.

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