DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

Have you ever asked your children if they are happy and how does it feel to them to live in a house like that and your current family dynamics?

Sorting out the state of MIL’s house is a work in progress. She’s too old to sort it out herself and won’t accept any help from outside of the family, so DH and his siblings are working on it. Big family.
The house is too big for her, but it is full of memories and she refuses to move.

Get him the help now, before your DH gets much older and is no longer physically able to do much around your home. Living like this in your old age won’t be good for your physical health either. Don’t depend on your DC to help you when they’re adults, as there’s no guarantee that will happen, especially if they recall having an unhealthy childhood because their parents failed to put them first.

If he did get a diagnosis of PDA then he might be entitled to some PiP and possibly other benefits which might help matters.

PDA is generally part of an ASD profile. So PDA diagnosis would be go hand in hand with ASD assessment/diagnosis.

I think we can count on DH’s pathological avoidance of the “demand” of an ASD assessment.

Isn't it amazing how ND women still manage to just get on with it.

Teens will all be at university within 5/6 yrs. I expect they’d like a home-from-Uni for a while after that.

You could provide them with a clean, well-maintained, albeit probably smaller home by yourself, OP. They don’t need to come home to the dump your DH is currently providing.

Home isn’t a particular building, it’s the place where people feel loved and accepted by their family.

That’s so true @HamBone - until I had my own house I never realised how much not having a safe home as a child affected me.

I haven't fully caught up with the messages but thought I would message whilst I had a few seconds.

I think if he hasn't worked all this time, it's a case of you are going to have to put up with it or push the issue and risk upsetting him. I am a SAHP but have set up a pension and will return to work once I can as I do not expect my hubby to keep me, and neither should your husband expect the same. Personally I would put my foot down as what is this teaching your children.

To help with money I have started to grow and sell some seeds/plants. This has brought in a small amount and if he likes gardening, this could be an easy and fun thing for him. Maybe seeing some money come in will make him want to do more (but sadly not likely from what I have read now)

Good luck OP... it's a case of do or do not now.

This thread is absolutely futile - You don’t believe you and your children have a problem that is 100% clear to the rest of us and nothing can change that.

I’m hiding this thread now.

@MMenomenon What are your in-laws like? Do they recognise that your husband has serious issues that are impacting negatively on you and your kids.

Brilliant post 👏

I think it's unfair to ask children these kinds of questions because they'll want to make mum happy by answering the 'right' way. It puts a lot of pressure on them.

They're ashamed of their own home, surely that's enough of an answer.

And what is this teaching people. It’s okay if someone gaslights you, controls you, abuses you. Of course it’s a choice. He refuses to sell, improve or allow others to repair a home that his kids live in, a choice. Refers to OP as “evil” a choice
Im so sick of being told we need to show empathy to these men. Yes it must be awful for anyone to struggle with ND or MH issues but why can they never be held accountable for their behaviour.

As a PP said, ND women seem to just get on with it.

I’ve only read half of the thread and forgive me if I’m wrong but I’d never let my child live like this or witness this big useless excuse of man as a role model. He is absolutely deplorable. Sometimes I gets depressed but I get up and go to work and provide a lovely home for my daughter. Fuck the excuses he’s a lazy cocklodger end of story. Sticking by this is just shameful. Get some self respect and find a new life. Don’t care if you’ve been together 49 years and you LOVE him. There’s absolutely nothing to love. No way could a man like this make me want to go to bed with with him. I’d prefer to walk on shattered glass or Stan myself through the eh. Get a fucking grip

Op,

Would you be willing to pm me or one of the other posters here who are telling you the legal advice you received, on the face of it, seems incorrect.

I am no longer practicing, for personal family reasons, but have strong referral connections across Scotland.

Omg you’re like a Stockholm survivor. Sorry but there’s not much point in your posting all of these week meaning people telling you from an outsiders view that your situation is absolutely dire and you are in complete denial. You are managing your kids. I’d hate my child to ashamed to bring anyone home it’s horrible it’s disgusting you create the best living environment for your children but you are hell bent on sticking with this complete loser. Sorry don’t think anyone can help
you. The gardening tools are the least of of you worries but it seems way over your head. Just wow!

Neither DH nor I have ever done any Personal Develpvelopment/Personal Growth stuff, yet we manage to collaborate with each other just fine. I suspect that most people on this thread could say the same.

Your suggestion that your husband's problems are down to lack of Personal Growth training are essentially just making further excuses for him. Of course his real ,problem is his neuro-diversity which is not his fault. However, he has shown he can change for the better, but the reality is that he won't do anything to improve things further notably by seeking diagnosis and help. If you're prepared to accept that, even despite the fact that you acknowledge that the situation with the house is potentially disastrous, so be it, but please at least try to make provision for your own future so that you don't go down with the sinking ship.

You're trying to make excuses for him by trying to find a diagnosis for ND. You're not happy OP, you're very frustrated and fed up. He won't change. He sounds very stubborn and selfish. He's not pulling his weight. He's not listening to you. He dismisses your point of view. He has loads of time to make a positive change for the family but won't because it suits him and he's happy with the status quo. There's no reason in his mind why he should change. So you accept it as it is "for the sake of the children ", or you make a big positive change - moving out. I know what I would do.

I do think there is an element of ND there @sorcerersapprentice, but agree that the husband is lazy and selfish because he knows perfectly well that the OP will pick everything up that he won't do.

ND may be a reason, but it’s not an excuse for continuing to inflict harm on others. As others have said ND women, many underdiagnosed, manage to adapt but we must just accept men being ND means they can be assholes? No thanks.

He must have been like this When the OP met and married him and had children with him. Surely he can't have changed that much?

Cant you from now on behave as if its just yourself and the kids living there, and you sort out what needs doing as a single parent would have to? Hes useless and you either accept that or get your own place. He wont meet you halfway and trying to work out why is a waste of your energy.

Please don't delude yourself that it won't affect your kids. I grew up in a house that was really messy, dirty, hasn't been maintained in 30 years. I was too embarrassed to bring friends around, and left home as soon as I was able at 17. I was too embarrassed to bring partners around to the house once I'd left home, so my parents did not get to meet them. I now have ocd when it comes to cleanliness in my own home, as does my sister. My 2 brothers on the other hand live in the same complete and utter messes in their homes, similar to our childhood home.
I still hate going home and do it very very rarely.
I feel like it has very definitely negatively affected my relationship with my parents, more so as I've grown up even than in my childhood. I can't help feeling resentful of the way they live.

As you can see, I worked with vulnerable children and don’t share those concerns.

The shoemaker's child goes barefoot.

It's not normal for children to not want to bring friends home because their home is so awful. In your adult judgment they're not just being fussy or snobbish, you share their embarrassment. Sure, it's not bad enough for social services to intervene because of your own hard work and struggle to keep a safe home. But there's a big gap between "bad enough for social services" and what's acceptable to most normal parents. And you have reached the limits of what you can achieve with your husband. You have to do more and more running just to stay in one place. It's not getting better and it's likely to get worse as your husband ages.

So it would be better if you and your children got out of it. Cut your losses. The longer you stay the less you will have, finacially and emotionally, if you do leave. Already you are seriously considered treating your own husband like a naughty child, taking away the tools for the jobs he wants to do in the hope of forcing him to do the jobs you know need to be done. Staying with him is making you into a worse person.