Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

To not want to meet with children there.

267 replies

Ger1atricMillennial · 01/01/2023 01:10

AIBU to want to meet with my friend without her children there?

I live in a foreign country and have been very isolated since moving and during the pandemic I went on medication for depression and worked through it with therapy. I have been off it for 9 months and the therapy has helped me move forward and I feel so much better.

One of my closest friends from high school has family in the place that I live, and has come over during the rest of her maternity leave. We have been close in the past, but in the last few years the contact has got less frequent- no doubt due to the distance + life. However; over the last few years everytime we speak on the phone her toddler interrupts or throws a tantrum, and a few times I was on speakerphone and I didn't know and her husband and mum were in the room. This was when I wasn't very well, so I lost some trust there.

Since my friend has arrived I have met up with her twice; both times she had her toddler and breastfeeding baby. As you can imagine it has been very hard to have any meaningful converstation with her and after both times I have just felt so lonely and unimportant afterwards.

She offered to meet up for brunch, but when I asked if she was bringing her children (more specifically the toddler)- she said most likely. I then declined stating that I would be happy to meet up when she feels ready to without her children. That was 2 days ago and I haven't recieved a reply.

I really felt the loss yesterday and cried alot. I understand her bringing the baby and would be more supportive if she was a single mum, but her husband and his family are here and they love spending time with the children. I am also a little bit sensitive to the fact that if I was a man I wouldn't even have to think about this problem at all if I asked to meet with my friend.

At this stage I wouldn't feel comfortable disucssing the above with my friend directly. I think she may be struggling alot more that she is letting on and adding to it would make it worse or she just wouldn't be able to engage. But since I can't speak to her in any meanginful way; I don't know this for sure.

So as I dont have children; can you tell me if this is ones of those things that against the laws of nature and is outrageous for me to think about asking her; or is it her personal choice and has anyone actually navigated this situation successfully before?

I am over the emotional part of the loss, so be as honest and direct as you like with your feedback.

OP posts:

sue20 · 03/01/2023 13:51

Murdoch1949 · 01/01/2023 03:31

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to plan a meet up without children, even the breastfeeding baby, who can be left for a couple of hours, longer with an expressed bottle of milk. I'm surprised that your friend does not relish a small amount of time away from her children. Obviously it should be her choice, I hope it's not because she has a partner who feels childcare is her domain.

Absolutely this.

sue20 · 03/01/2023 14:01

Bigbadfish · 01/01/2023 03:02

What does she gain from that hour?
On the nicest way I can do through text you seem to want to use her to unload. Isn't she in a foreign country away from home?

Would that hour be relaxing for her? Because the odds are getting to it wouldn't be relaxing. It would be hard. So it would have to be a really brilliant hour to make that worth it.

Show quote history

What the friend gets from that hour is contact with an old friend they haven’t seen for ages and probably won’t again very soon. Without a toddler round your neck all the time. I used to love those moments of child free friend catch up.

Dizzywizz · 03/01/2023 14:20

@Ger1atricMillennial did your friend reply to you? Don’t think I’ve seen it on an update

zingally · 03/01/2023 15:01

I think you just need to accept that you're in the phase of life where young children are going to be around. It's just the way it is, and it doesn't last forever.

Coyoacan · 03/01/2023 15:18

I have only one kid because that’s what I can cope with while also maintaining some semblance of balance in the other areas of my life (including maintaining relationships with friends)

What a weird perspective. It's not as if you can rent children to see how many you can cope with before embarking on a larger family.

Children are a pig in a poke. People don't plan to have a disabled child or a particularly disruptive child or to be laid off when they have a large family to feed.

CousinKrispy · 03/01/2023 15:24

Being an expat is really hard!

Maybe your friend just doesn't have the bandwidth right now to have a childfree meet-up with you, and there may be all kinds of reasons why that you aren't aware of.

Fortunately children grow quickly so hopefully next time she visits it will be different.

Keep in touch with her and focus on what brought you together as friends in the first place ... but understand that her priorities are different now.

In the meantime, keep trying to find ways to make connections in your new country. Building up a high expectation around your old friends may lead to a lot of disappointment if you don't have other positive things in your life and new friends.

Goldbar · 03/01/2023 16:07

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 07:58

For all those saying their kids must take first priority to the exclusion of all else, take heed of this:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4711013-embarrassed-to-say-im-lonely

Relationships are a two way street. I have only one kid because that’s what I can cope with while also maintaining some semblance of balance in the other areas of my life (including maintaining relationships with friends).

Why not tell your friend to return or give away 3 of her children so she too has more balance in her life?

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 16:09

@Goldbar right yeah I’ll do that, shall I.

🙄

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 16:17

@Coyoacan it’s really not a weird perspective at all; plenty of women and couples feel the same and have only one child for just those reasons (among others).

Coyoacan · 03/01/2023 16:23

it’s really not a weird perspective at all; plenty of women and couples feel the same and have only one child for just those reasons (among others)

Except that most people cannot predict how further children will affect their ability to cope. And some people cannot cope with even one child.

Goldbar · 03/01/2023 16:50

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 16:09

@Goldbar right yeah I’ll do that, shall I.

🙄

How else do you expect her to gain more time to devote to your friendship? Meeting the basic needs of 4 children of different ages must take up almost all her time and energy (and make it much harder for her to get a break from them... very few people will look after 4). Telling her that she should have stopped at one so she has more time for you feels a bit self-oriented.

Luxembourgmama · 03/01/2023 19:50

You're not being unreasonable i was always able to meet a friend for coffee despite having 2 kids.

Confusion101 · 03/01/2023 20:17

I think the mothers on here saying "well I could do it" doesn't really mean anything. I also meet my friends without my kid but I've mothers in my friend group who aren't comfortable doing that, and that's fine for them. The worst thing would be to force them away when they don't want to leave them and sit there an anxious mess dying to get back home to them. It's not always as simple as leaving them at home!

fUNNYfACE36 · 03/01/2023 21:56

Ger1atricMillennial · 01/01/2023 01:30

Thanks for the support- though I don't think she was nasty just maybe a bit inconsiderate.

Have you managed to navigate this situation sucessfully before?

Woah!!! SHE is not the one being inconsiderate!! Her babies are part of the package now!

cantbfucked · 04/01/2023 20:35

Opine · 02/01/2023 19:43

@cantbfucked I think the issue is that she shouldn’t be asking her to leave them at all. It’s up to a a mother if she wants to leave her children. I like to meet friends without my children or theirs but none of us request this of each other.

There is nothing wrong at all in asking or suggesting for a meet up just the two of them.

BarkAscending · 04/01/2023 20:40

It is a pain meeting up with people with small kids as you can’t talk properly, but I recognized that was a stage I would have to suck up for that period of their life to maintain the friendship. I’m glad I did.

All you have done is gift her with an obstacle to meeting with you. She probably has plenty of other mum friends that are easy for her to meet up with and accept her kids being there.

Opine · 04/01/2023 21:27

@cantbfucked shes suggested it and the friend has said it’s not doable so OP has effectively told her she won’t see her until it is then. That’s not a suggestion but a demand.

I absolutely cannot stand socialising with kids of any age so I personally wait until I can leave them behind but I wouldn’t have someone tell me what to do nor would I tell anyone else.

Child free time is a luxury. I wouldn’t waste it on a demanding friend. I think OP’s friend has gone out of her way to see OP and it’s
still not good enough.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread