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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to meet with children there.

267 replies

Ger1atricMillennial · 01/01/2023 01:10

AIBU to want to meet with my friend without her children there?

I live in a foreign country and have been very isolated since moving and during the pandemic I went on medication for depression and worked through it with therapy. I have been off it for 9 months and the therapy has helped me move forward and I feel so much better.

One of my closest friends from high school has family in the place that I live, and has come over during the rest of her maternity leave. We have been close in the past, but in the last few years the contact has got less frequent- no doubt due to the distance + life. However; over the last few years everytime we speak on the phone her toddler interrupts or throws a tantrum, and a few times I was on speakerphone and I didn't know and her husband and mum were in the room. This was when I wasn't very well, so I lost some trust there.

Since my friend has arrived I have met up with her twice; both times she had her toddler and breastfeeding baby. As you can imagine it has been very hard to have any meaningful converstation with her and after both times I have just felt so lonely and unimportant afterwards.

She offered to meet up for brunch, but when I asked if she was bringing her children (more specifically the toddler)- she said most likely. I then declined stating that I would be happy to meet up when she feels ready to without her children. That was 2 days ago and I haven't recieved a reply.

I really felt the loss yesterday and cried alot. I understand her bringing the baby and would be more supportive if she was a single mum, but her husband and his family are here and they love spending time with the children. I am also a little bit sensitive to the fact that if I was a man I wouldn't even have to think about this problem at all if I asked to meet with my friend.

At this stage I wouldn't feel comfortable disucssing the above with my friend directly. I think she may be struggling alot more that she is letting on and adding to it would make it worse or she just wouldn't be able to engage. But since I can't speak to her in any meanginful way; I don't know this for sure.

So as I dont have children; can you tell me if this is ones of those things that against the laws of nature and is outrageous for me to think about asking her; or is it her personal choice and has anyone actually navigated this situation successfully before?

I am over the emotional part of the loss, so be as honest and direct as you like with your feedback.

OP posts:
Timewilltell519 · 02/01/2023 21:01

I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I have two young children too and if I knew my friend was struggling with mental health issues, there’s no way I’d feel offended by her asking to meet without children. It’s so hard to concentrate on a conversation when children are constantly interrupting.

Firecat84 · 02/01/2023 21:23

I have a breastfeeding 5 month old and I literally can't leave her for 5 minutes. She screams even with her dad. When I go to the toilet I take her with me. The toddler is a different issue, but your friend probably has very limited child free time and really needs it for doing stuff you can't do with kids around. Going to brunch with a friend doesn't fall into that category. It's hard but I think you just cannot understand the lack of free time if you don't have kids.

Pumpkinspicemadre · 02/01/2023 22:16

TouchBlack · 01/01/2023 01:49

It can be exhausting meeting with friends who want to have deep discussions and have MH issues. Maybe she's already burnt out with two little ones and can't cope with a big deep and meaningful brunch?

The friends I see most are ones that bring me up, not down - putting the world to rights, having a laugh, talking about crap! Lots of positivity.

I don't have DC but I appreciate how my friend's children are their #1 priority and I always see them on their terms.

Could you be placing too much emotional burden on her? She must feel like shit after your message - she's trying to see you but it's not good enough.

This might be it my love

Isinglass20 · 02/01/2023 22:17

When you have children most relationships change because they take up so much.
But when child rearing days have passed is when you pick up on old threads.

saffy2 · 02/01/2023 22:38

If someone did this to me I wouldn’t see them again to be honest. I don’t like leaving my children really. I haven’t left either of mine until way above toddlerhood, especially not just for just a chat with a friend. It would have to be something like a wedding for me to leave my kids at that sort of age, and tbh, when my daughter was almost 2 I turned down a wedding invite so I didn’t have to leave her. My boyfriend was as going to go alone. The pandemic meant the wedding didn’t go ahead anyway, but the groom was fine with ne not attending anyway.
but yeah, I wouldn’t be friends with someone who wanted me all to them selves tbh. I have kids, we are a package deal really. I haven’t even ever come across anyone who doesn’t get this or has told me they want me and not my kids.

hubbs · 02/01/2023 23:30

I totally get your point !!! I have children and I can't stand it when my friends show up with kids in tow - !! I want to see my friend not their children but some people don't see it that way . X

Stewball01 · 02/01/2023 23:31

@converseandjeans
I agree with you. I'd also have liked to go out without DC whereas my son took his kids everywhere with them.

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 02/01/2023 23:40

OP I think the only way you're friendship will last through time is if you start enjoying the company of your friends children. They obviously mean the world to her and are here for ever. Maybe she prefers to meet you with them as she wants to be with them also.

Theseboobsweremadeforwalking · 03/01/2023 00:18

Hi OP I tried to PM you a story to give you hope but it said your username wasn't recognised. Anyway, I hope you're OK. PM me if you want!

fairywhale · 03/01/2023 02:43

People with young children and (particularly babies) are too tired for what you are suggesting.
Those with great support networks may be less so, still you don't place that sort of demand on someone with a young baby.
As for it's only 90 minutes - actually would take her most of the day to get organised and ready, leave alone travel time, to give you those 90 minutes. Plus all the mental load of it.
First few years with kids are only about survival and mothers need a lot of support.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 03/01/2023 03:23

Ger1atricMillennial · 01/01/2023 01:35

Yup I have tried to coax her out to an adult venue but she just looks at me at says I can't.

Like I said in the intial post I am a bit annoyned because her husband went away for a whole weekend with his friends, and I can't even get 90 mins.

Her husband isn't breastfeeding a baby. Of course he isn't stuck to the baby but she is her child's food source right now. She can't leave them with anyone else to be fed.

And also you aren't sure of the family dynamics, maybe they won't take the toddler so she can lunch with a friend etc etc. You've asked her to an adult event and she has told you she can't. Her reasons are valid to her whatever they are.

DifferenceEngines · 03/01/2023 03:35

Timewilltell519 · 02/01/2023 21:01

I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I have two young children too and if I knew my friend was struggling with mental health issues, there’s no way I’d feel offended by her asking to meet without children. It’s so hard to concentrate on a conversation when children are constantly interrupting.

Are they really friends though? They used to be close in high school, but are only now catching up after many years, partly just because they now live in the same area. I would support a friend yes, but not "somebody that I used to know".

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 04:30

Also a different perspective; I have a little boy, my friend (she was one of my bridesmaids) has 4 young kids. It’s almost impossible to get any kid free time with her; she gave up her job to be a SAHM and her kids are her job now.

I struggled throughout the pandemic with dreadful depression which almost broke my marriage at times. She was really nowhere to be seen; she has subsequently said she “knew something was wrong but didn’t know what to say”.

Her children are her priority now - she hasn’t time or bandwidth for anything else, really. She just can’t be the friend I need her to be and so we have just fallen out of touch. Very sad - it may change when her children get older, I don’t know.

MiddleParking · 03/01/2023 06:14

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 04:30

Also a different perspective; I have a little boy, my friend (she was one of my bridesmaids) has 4 young kids. It’s almost impossible to get any kid free time with her; she gave up her job to be a SAHM and her kids are her job now.

I struggled throughout the pandemic with dreadful depression which almost broke my marriage at times. She was really nowhere to be seen; she has subsequently said she “knew something was wrong but didn’t know what to say”.

Her children are her priority now - she hasn’t time or bandwidth for anything else, really. She just can’t be the friend I need her to be and so we have just fallen out of touch. Very sad - it may change when her children get older, I don’t know.

Your poor friend. Sounds awful for her.

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 06:59

@MiddleParking do you mean “my poor friend” because I have been harsh? Genuine question; depression has stopped me seeing things objectively and clearly plenty of times.

MiddleParking · 03/01/2023 07:09

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 06:59

@MiddleParking do you mean “my poor friend” because I have been harsh? Genuine question; depression has stopped me seeing things objectively and clearly plenty of times.

Multiple lockdowns with four kids must have been unimaginably hard. To simultaneously lose such a close friend because she wasn’t able to provide emotional support for them at the same time (!), I just feel gutted for her.

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 07:58

For all those saying their kids must take first priority to the exclusion of all else, take heed of this:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4711013-embarrassed-to-say-im-lonely

Relationships are a two way street. I have only one kid because that’s what I can cope with while also maintaining some semblance of balance in the other areas of my life (including maintaining relationships with friends).

SundaySundaySunday · 03/01/2023 08:16

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 04:30

Also a different perspective; I have a little boy, my friend (she was one of my bridesmaids) has 4 young kids. It’s almost impossible to get any kid free time with her; she gave up her job to be a SAHM and her kids are her job now.

I struggled throughout the pandemic with dreadful depression which almost broke my marriage at times. She was really nowhere to be seen; she has subsequently said she “knew something was wrong but didn’t know what to say”.

Her children are her priority now - she hasn’t time or bandwidth for anything else, really. She just can’t be the friend I need her to be and so we have just fallen out of touch. Very sad - it may change when her children get older, I don’t know.

If “relationships are a two way street”, you would be showing some empathy for your friend and how much she must be dealing with as well. Your post sounds like you expect her to be there for you and support you, but not the other way around really.

MichelleScarn · 03/01/2023 08:30

@Piglet89 everyone's different, but I think I'd find it strange if a parent said to me that they didn't put their child first.
Also are you judging all your friends as harshly for not putting you first re your needing attention and affect on your marriage? Where's your husband in all this?

Piglet89 · 03/01/2023 08:50

@SundaySundaySunday to be fair, you have no idea what kind of friend I have been to her in the past or how I have supported her. It definitely hasn’t been a one way street.

Pinkfluff76 · 03/01/2023 10:38

Most definitely not unreasonable of you to want to meet her without her kids. I’d jump at the chance to leave mine with my husband especially when he has family to help. Don’t know why she doesn’t want to do that!!

sue20 · 03/01/2023 13:27

Hankunamatata · 01/01/2023 01:15

I think you should have suggested perhaps that she could just bring the baby and the dad take care of toddler so you can have a proper catch up.

She did

sue20 · 03/01/2023 13:34

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 02/01/2023 23:40

OP I think the only way you're friendship will last through time is if you start enjoying the company of your friends children. They obviously mean the world to her and are here for ever. Maybe she prefers to meet you with them as she wants to be with them also.

Yes but if the friend equally values OP relationship then it’s negotiated. If friend doesn’t value relationship enough to negotiate then why would OP want further child invaded contact?

sue20 · 03/01/2023 13:36

azimuth299 · 01/01/2023 03:41

You might not be taking into account that the husband, however supportive, can't breastfeed the baby. Don't take it personally, it will get easier as they get older.

Show quote history

OP mentions that she is talking about the toddler being left not bf baby

sue20 · 03/01/2023 13:41

EatingWormsMichael · 01/01/2023 14:09

To be blunt, how would you feel if she asked you to not bring your depression when you meet?

Having 2 little kids occupies a lot of headspace and time/energy. Devoting 90 minutes to support a friends depression is harder than you realise, and unlikely to be enough for you. Sorry, I hope you can find a support network xx

So demanding toddler baby AND depression? Sounds fun. Depression not so easy to leave at home and also the post talks about the fact that the contact improves the depressed under valued feelings.

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