Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
FlowerArranger · 31/12/2022 15:01

Why don't you call him...

MakeMineALarge1 · 31/12/2022 15:02

It isn't a big ask, you could easily get some nice dessert type things from asda for under a £5 for 9, cheese cake, apple crumble, victoria sandwich and some cream!

MakeMineALarge1 · 31/12/2022 15:03

Yes i'd be pissed off too, he wants to bring something but not really anything thats going to cost him

Keyansier · 31/12/2022 15:04

I'd be a bit annoyed if I had asked to bring something and was told no, or maybe a few drinks, and then decided to check again out of politeness and was asked to source dessert for 9 people. I mean personally I wouldn't have asked after the first time, so it's his own fault really, but I wouldn't be pleased at that being sprung on me last minute.

PaterPower · 31/12/2022 15:04

That’s two cheesecakes and a tub of ice cream - a tenner or £15 if he really splashes out!

IglesiasPiggl · 31/12/2022 15:05

That's a bit odd of him. I wonder what he wanted/was expecting you to say. Most people know that if the host says nothing specific, all in hand etc, then turn up with something like a bottle of wine, nibbles or flowers.

ABigSalad123 · 31/12/2022 15:05

I don’t think you’re being U at all. Maybe you could reply with what you’ve written here - ie that you’ve got some small dessert/sweet options planned, but haven’t got anything big as the meal itself is so big. Perhaps reiterate to him that he can bring anything he likes the look of, and maybe reiterate the idea it’s a casual family meal where people are bringing bits and bobs, just so he knows roughly what to expect.

I think it all sounds lovely and the meal sounds delicious - well done for doing an amazing job of organising! Never an easy feat cooking for so many people.

loveyouradvice · 31/12/2022 15:05

Ring him.... he may find it stressful choosing stuff like this and been taken back... be nice and dont assume the worst! More likely to be gauche than intentional.....

IglesiasPiggl · 31/12/2022 15:06

Also, dessert for nine people isn't really "a big ask". It's a couple of cheesecakes or similar.

growgrowinggrown · 31/12/2022 15:06

I would have thought you already had dessert organised, bit different if you had asked a few days ago or for a tub of cream.
I wouldn't read too much into it, i think miscommunication rather than anything untoward.

Proteinpudding · 31/12/2022 15:06

I would speak to him, it may not be about the price but if he's not used to large family gatherings he might be anxious about getting it wrong. If I (wrongly) assumed I was being asked to provide desert for 9 and I was already in the supermarket id probably be a bit worried about portion sizes and preferences and end up over buying to make sure everyone was covered!

Adviceneeded200 · 31/12/2022 15:07

He might not mean cost but bad phrasing of how to choose for 9.

A fair few men would probably be unconfident with such "choices" and worry about getting quantity or choice wrong. And then keeping it cold..all the sort of things you just do daily!

He was probably expecting a list of standard stuff 6 beers, 2 white wine!

Be irritated but let it go..what people really mean when texting can be so difficult to call

Anotheryear23 · 31/12/2022 15:08

He might not know what dessert to choose especially for nine people! I’d tell him exactly eg get a trifle and two cheesecakes. Or whatever.

hopeishere · 31/12/2022 15:09

For someone who isn't used to catering for large numbers pudding for nine could be a big ask. He might not think a ready made cheesecake was acceptable. It's maybe not the cost but the quantity he can't work out.

Just tell him to get a bottle of wine.

CantFindTheBeat · 31/12/2022 15:09

I thought the same as @Proteinpudding - coming to a big family dinner for the first time is quite daunting. He was probably thinking 'should i bring chocolates' or something,

The desserts is your job really if you wanted them!

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 31/12/2022 15:09

My DP did something similar. I asked him to pick up some cake and he came back with a really niche flavour stollen-type thing. He comes from a bit of an odd family set up and just didn't quite understand the assignment!

Now I am specific when it is something new. 'Yes please, a chocolate cake for 8 please. Fresh or frozen is fine'. (And no he isn't an idiot, and is now very capable of getting groceries for the fam without me being specific)

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:10

thanks - i'm
not fussed at all about desserts but why ask twice and then be weird about the answer? Can't work out if he's worried about picking the right sort of dessert or if it's the money - he has shown a few hints of being abit stingey before and also comparing my house to his etc. so this has out me on edge again

i've responded along the lines of really doesn't matter if you don't see any desserts you fancy as i have a few bits and bobs in - he's not yet replied

OP posts:
boboshmobo · 31/12/2022 15:12

Maybe he is broke? £10 is a lot to some people .. if not then yanbu!

Onnabugeisha · 31/12/2022 15:12

Keyansier · 31/12/2022 15:04

I'd be a bit annoyed if I had asked to bring something and was told no, or maybe a few drinks, and then decided to check again out of politeness and was asked to source dessert for 9 people. I mean personally I wouldn't have asked after the first time, so it's his own fault really, but I wouldn't be pleased at that being sprung on me last minute.

Same here. You went from no, no, honestly don’t bring anything unless you fancy a particular drink to actually I have no dessert, can you bring it for 9 people.

Why on Earth didn’t you just reassure him with your original response?

imalreadygone · 31/12/2022 15:12

Keyansier · 31/12/2022 15:04

I'd be a bit annoyed if I had asked to bring something and was told no, or maybe a few drinks, and then decided to check again out of politeness and was asked to source dessert for 9 people. I mean personally I wouldn't have asked after the first time, so it's his own fault really, but I wouldn't be pleased at that being sprung on me last minute.

I agree with this actually. It's one thing being asked to bring drinks but asking him to get dessert for the meal is a bit off. Presumably you'd already have sorted it? And how is he supposed to know what you'd like?

BMW6 · 31/12/2022 15:12

What! Not "a big ask" in the slightest since you are providing everything else!

Bloody cheek! Tight git.

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:13

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 31/12/2022 15:09

My DP did something similar. I asked him to pick up some cake and he came back with a really niche flavour stollen-type thing. He comes from a bit of an odd family set up and just didn't quite understand the assignment!

Now I am specific when it is something new. 'Yes please, a chocolate cake for 8 please. Fresh or frozen is fine'. (And no he isn't an idiot, and is now very capable of getting groceries for the fam without me being specific)

yes perhaps this makes sense if he's eager to please and get it right...maybe not about the money! I wonder if it's to late to text back and say we all
like cheesecake .....

OP posts:
Adviceneeded200 · 31/12/2022 15:13

Also!

When we went shopping last night the shelves were really light and so much gone.

Pudding options were down to things like sponge puddings, yoghurt and short dated brandy sauce. Even the frozen section was just yukky rubbish (think triple double chokky chocolate chunk caramel cheesecake) left over. Personally if you asked me, I'd have grabbed cream and lots of fruit, but I'm pretty used to adapting.

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 15:14

“A fair few men would probably be unconfident with such "choices" and worry about getting quantity or choice wrong. And then keeping it cold..all the sort of things you just do daily!”

Oh god - always the apologists for crap men. Funny how they can’t make domestic choices like that but can rule the world and have all the top jobs…

Poor men - oh the horror of having to choose desserts! 🙄

ilovesooty · 31/12/2022 15:14

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:13

yes perhaps this makes sense if he's eager to please and get it right...maybe not about the money! I wonder if it's to late to text back and say we all
like cheesecake .....

Show quote history

Why didn't you just call him?