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AIBU?

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Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
BettySwallocks · 01/01/2023 22:48

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

I was all for backing him until I read this?
FFS he chased you for £1.50?

HmmmmmmmmmmAngry

Donkeyotey · 01/01/2023 22:48

@OhMonDieu I hear what you are saying but he doesn’t really have a light touch to have brought up the £1.50 at all - whether or not he wanted it paid. And having mentioned it he really should have refused to take it and laughingly said, “No, don’t be ridiculous”. Instead, he took it - which in my book either makes him very stingy or very unsophisticated/awkward - neither of which are attractive qualities…

Anyway, having read all of OP’s updates (after I posted, as is my wont 😬), she is clearly switched on and will make a good judgment call!

ThreeLocusts · 01/01/2023 23:48

Hi OP, just to say that it sounds to me like you're massively overthinking, and like your bloke is perhaps occasionally awkward - especially in a big family crowd - but otherwise OK, except that awkward puts you off?

What I mean is that maybe the issue is not so much whether he is too stingy or too fussy or otherwise liable to cause ick, but rather that you are very protective of yourself - for good reason I'm sure - and unsure if you really want the emotional investment of a relationship, with all the niggling problems large and small that tend to come with it.

Put differently, someone responding nervously when asked to buy pudding for a crowd they haven't met before seems understandable and unremarkable to me - whereas for you it's a starting point for massive soul searching.

Relationships without hiccups are hard to find ime. Maybe you have to choose b/w running your life smoothly by yourself, which you seem very good at, or having a partner and a certain amount of 'fuss'. And if this man causes more fuss than you want, better give him the shove.

IsEveryDayReallyASchoolDay · 01/01/2023 23:54

Donkeyotey · 01/01/2023 22:17

Oh my goodness OP forget everything I just said - I just saw your update where he asked you for £1.50 for the theatre ticket booking fee!! Oof, I would not be able to get over that I’m afraid - how unbelievably penny-pinching!

Perhaps you need to read all her updates. He didn't ask for the money!

HotChoxs · 02/01/2023 00:04

BettySwallocks · 01/01/2023 22:48

I was all for backing him until I read this?
FFS he chased you for £1.50?

HmmmmmmmmmmAngry

Show quote history

Yes I believe he sent her a letter demanding payment.
Or, read the thread.

caringcarer · 02/01/2023 00:11

A cheesecake and a chocolate would only cost about £8.

BlueTick · 02/01/2023 00:17

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/01/2023 08:57

PMSL at the princess who reckons the OP should have already baked a selection of desserts. I don’t have people like you round.

Nothing wrong with a couple of vienettas. Can’t stand it myself as frozen chocolate sets my teeth on edge but that’s just me. The judgement and pearl clutching over a dinner contribution is baffling.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/01/2023 08:59

I think this thread shows why it was a ‘big ask’ for me (and probably the OP) it would be just grabbing a couple of boxes of chocolates.

Some dinner guests sound horrendously ungracious and hard work.

walkingismedicine · 02/01/2023 08:59

Sounds like he really likes you and was eager to make a good impression. A big gathering can be intimidating, especially if you really care and it is hard to buy even puddings when you don't know tastes of everyone and you're not used to these things! Bless him

Keepthecat · 02/01/2023 09:14

I think you should ring or message him to say something to drink would be great, and tell him to ignore the dessert thing. Just say you spoke on the spur of the moment and shouldn't have said it.
I don't think most people would be thrilled to be asked to bring dessert for 9 on short notice.
I certainly don't think it's worth risking a relationship over the head of shop bought dessert that nobody either needs of probably even wants. What you've organised sounds lovely as it is.

AbreathofFrenchair · 02/01/2023 09:17

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 01/01/2023 19:25

ok by casual i mean we're not planning g on moving in, getting engaged, 'seriously committed' - my expectation is we are exclusive but we haven't had that exact conversation. I suppose he's my boyfriend although i feel too old to use that term 😂- i've met his family, he's met mine. We usually see each other at least once a week but i think he would like this to be more often and to be more like a life partner

and i can accept perhaps the dessert request flummoxed him but if that was the case it's not the person for me I think as i need someone stoic and practical who doesn't fuss- i'm still not sure what the text was about but plan on bring it up when we next meet and having a how are we getting on chat

as for me being flakey - there was never an offer of dinner party type 3 course meal- we'd have been just fine food wise without vienettas! He asked me twice so i perhaps wrongly thought he really wanted to contribute something so suggested desserts.

My ideal scenario would be he asked once - i say nothing needed but bring drinks if there's anything particular you want, he then brings his beers and then something like a bottle of fizz/ flowers/ chocolates/ party game/....bombay mix I could live without!

Honestly, stop dragging it on. You've not got anything particularly nice to say about him so why bother?

You wasn't expecting him to bring anything, he checked twice and you then said puddings, even though you didn't want them and then criticised what he did buy because it wasn't actually what you wanted.

You want to keep the distance to protect your children, just end it or make it clear it's a casual relationship that won't ever get any serious and give him the choice too.

IamMaz · 02/01/2023 09:55

Hi OP.

I’ve really enjoyed this thread and all the different view points!

Your guy sounds like a good man - very hard to find! Why not see him more often than once a week and just see how it goes? I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. Good luck.

alwayscheery · 02/01/2023 10:34

Lots of great observations.
Dessert for 9 is a strange number, desserts tend to come in 4 portions or 6 portions and the smaller size can look stingy.
What would I take? Probably the larger lemon tart from Waitrose and an tray of raspberries plus an apricot and almond tart, that is 12 portions but they look and taste fabulous but would I need cream? And that's two desserts with pastry, maybe a Tiramisu would be a better option ...oh the dilemma.
I would probably suggest a cheeseboard contribution from a male guest, options might include water and hovis biscuits, butter with sea salt , grapes, apples nuts . Entirely up to the guest to decide what to bring but maybe less of a dilemma.
The £1.50 should never have happened.

BippityBopper · 02/01/2023 11:19

alwayscheery · 02/01/2023 10:34

Lots of great observations.
Dessert for 9 is a strange number, desserts tend to come in 4 portions or 6 portions and the smaller size can look stingy.
What would I take? Probably the larger lemon tart from Waitrose and an tray of raspberries plus an apricot and almond tart, that is 12 portions but they look and taste fabulous but would I need cream? And that's two desserts with pastry, maybe a Tiramisu would be a better option ...oh the dilemma.
I would probably suggest a cheeseboard contribution from a male guest, options might include water and hovis biscuits, butter with sea salt , grapes, apples nuts . Entirely up to the guest to decide what to bring but maybe less of a dilemma.
The £1.50 should never have happened.

Just because you need a dessert f6r 9 people, t doesn't mean you're obliged to find something that serves exactly 9 people. Just get something that serves 10, 12, 2x something that serves 6, 3x something that serves 4, etc. and there can be leftovers.

Definitely agree about the £1.50.

alwayscheery · 02/01/2023 11:47

@BippityBopper
I agree I would probably take 2x 6 portions.

sue20 · 02/01/2023 11:49

It sounds like he feels a bit stressed by the occasion which I would be too. A load of family have you also had one to one in the not to distant past?

Calphurnia88 · 02/01/2023 11:58

Not the point of the thread, but to the PP who was questioning the origins of The Ick (the phrase); it was repopularised by Love Island but apparently originated in the American publication Newsweek in 1979. In the 1990s the meaning was narrowed to apply specifically to romantic scenarios, and there is an episode of Friends called 'The One With the Ick Factor' where one Monica is repulsed after she finds out the age of her lover.

So there you go!

www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/magazine/the-etymological-roots-of-the-ick

Trudij123 · 02/01/2023 13:40

Loads of great observations other than this happened New Year’s Eve… 😁😁

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/01/2023 15:06

3luckystars · 01/01/2023 21:16

I just think that asking people over for dinner and not having a dessert (or several) sorted is very unusual.

i know everyone is different but dessert is extremely important, I only eat the dinner to get to dessert.

Also, Mince pies are not dessert.

I hope you are feeling more sure about it all now anyway.

@3luckystars

“i know everyone is different but dessert is extremely important, I only eat the dinner to get to dessert.”

are you ten years old??!

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/01/2023 15:11

Wombat100 · 01/01/2023 19:45

The request for you to pay the £1.50 booking fee would have been game over for me.

Major ick.

Me too

what a turn off

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/01/2023 15:15

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 18:03

This is the funniest thing I've read.
30 pages on a casual partner not spending enough on dessert
😂

@HotChoxs

why are you so concerned about the relationship being casual

some of the best relationships I’ve had have been casual

ridiculoso82 · 02/01/2023 15:20

If you’re starting a thread in NYE whinging about your “casual” partner and desserts and updating multiple times about him…. Then it’s got no legs whatsoever so do yourself (and him) a favour by ending it.

You will know you’re in a decent relationship when you don’t have a desire to start a thread bitching about him

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/01/2023 15:27

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 01/01/2023 17:37

It is flaky to invite people round without catering adequately for them.

@MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay

shes cooking her family a lamb roast dinner with all the trimmings, ffs

I think they are adequately provided for

Greatly · 02/01/2023 15:29

I think asking a casual guest to provide pudding on the day of a dinner party is very rude.

But you clearly don't like him much so maybe that isn't an issue!