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AIBU?

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Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
TwoMonthsOff · 31/12/2022 15:55

It’s New Year’s Eve
he should arrive with a decent bottle of wine or champagne without being asked

SKINFLINT

MissMaple82 · 31/12/2022 15:56

And really, when you think about it, he's probably pissed off that he's been asked to get anything. He probably felt quite confident you'd say no no no I've got everything, please don't worry. Then you'd come off the phone thinking 'oh what a thoughtful man he I've got', but instead, you scuppered his cunning plan! He's an absolute, Drip

FartWrangler · 31/12/2022 15:56

The £1.50 business would put me off him completely even before I'd got to the pudding-or-not stage. I'd also feel impatient with him for asking so many times whether I wanted him to bring anything when I'd already said it wasn't necessary.

RoseMadderAsHell · 31/12/2022 15:56

saraclara · 31/12/2022 15:22

Good grief. Why don't people actually speak to each other properly? A two minute phone call would have given you all the answers you needed, and you'd both have been able to communicate and pick up on any misunderstanding.

Seriously, I swear than texting is behind 99% of needless arguments and misunderstandings. Just actually use your voices!!!

Mumsnet would be redundant if people actually spoke to each other instead of texting.

Xmasbaby11 · 31/12/2022 15:57

it's a bit of a leap to go from nothing to dessert for 9 especially if you don't know people well and what they like. That's 2 decent sized puddings, plus possibly cream or custard. As pp says, there's not always a lot of choice at this time. As long as everyone is flexible about what it is and you will be happy whatever he brings.

BMW6 · 31/12/2022 15:57

Oh OP now I've read all your updates I think he's tight as fuck and sees ££££££££ when he looks at you. Sorry but not a keeper IMO.

(Unless he comes today with great desserts and a couple of good bottles of wine and spirits, but I'm not holding my breath. )

whattodo1975 · 31/12/2022 15:57

ADHD and he is finding the whole experience overwhelming ?

SheilaWilcox · 31/12/2022 15:58

MissMaple82 · 31/12/2022 15:52

What a drip of a man!

Yep. My dh is incapable of going to the shops without calling me. Drives me insane.
If I ever marry again, I'm going to chose an adult.

harrassedmumto3 · 31/12/2022 15:58

Why did he bother even asking? It was an empty gesture on his part, clearly.
Apart from anything else, I'd be pissed off at receiving such feckless messages when I was trying to cook and prepare. Just use your bloody initiative!
YANBU.

ilovesooty · 31/12/2022 15:58

gamerchick · 31/12/2022 15:42

That needs direction for completing a task. That is really irritating in someone.

Show quote history

It's not even clear that there is a "task" or what it is.

Sunnytwobridges · 31/12/2022 15:58

FartWrangler · 31/12/2022 15:56

The £1.50 business would put me off him completely even before I'd got to the pudding-or-not stage. I'd also feel impatient with him for asking so many times whether I wanted him to bring anything when I'd already said it wasn't necessary.

This. And the fact he actually took the 1.50 when she offered it to him…that would turn me right off.

Stravaig · 31/12/2022 15:59

Could we please have one Mumsnet thread where poor behaviour isn't explained away with a diagnosis. Just one.

AllyCatTown · 31/12/2022 15:59

I was beginning to think he wasn’t stingy as you retold the story as him just joking when a friend brought up the price of tickets but your last message about him actually taking the £1.50 from you is a bad sign. It does suggest although he sold it as a joke it was something that bothered him. Who would take the money like that? Urgh. Cringe. He is stingy.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2022 15:59

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

That is beyond stingy.

Petty. Don't like petty

Mirabai · 31/12/2022 16:00

I’m guessing the subtext is that you’re already questioning if he’s a bit tight and stingy?

If he’s only working part time he may be a bit short. Does he own his own place?

mathanxiety · 31/12/2022 16:00

He's looking for attention and behaving like a manchild.

I would cool this relationship a lot more if I were you. He doesn't like being a part of your life as it is, with your commitments and existing relationships, and wants you to put him front and centre.

harrassedmumto3 · 31/12/2022 16:00

boboshmobo · 31/12/2022 15:12

Maybe he is broke? £10 is a lot to some people .. if not then yanbu!

Even if this were true, it makes him a completely unattractive prospect.

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/12/2022 16:00

Surely after 9 months you'd have more evidence of skinflintery?

In my experience these types out themselves fairly quickly.

I nearly always have to call friends to ask them to pick something up on their way over and usually call if I'm on my way to theirs, but it's mostly an extra pot of cream, bottle of tonic or similar last minute bits

Blueblell · 31/12/2022 16:01

I would give him the benefit of the doubt this time but….

Thedaysthatremain · 31/12/2022 16:03

Keyansier · 31/12/2022 15:04

I'd be a bit annoyed if I had asked to bring something and was told no, or maybe a few drinks, and then decided to check again out of politeness and was asked to source dessert for 9 people. I mean personally I wouldn't have asked after the first time, so it's his own fault really, but I wouldn't be pleased at that being sprung on me last minute.

I've never understood this. Why ask a question if you are not prepared for an answer?

WinterFoxes · 31/12/2022 16:03

I'd just text back and say - just a cheesecake and some strawberries or a box of chocolates would be fine for 9 people.

mathanxiety · 31/12/2022 16:03

Lol, the £1.50 - this isn't a man who shares nicely.

Doingmybest12 · 31/12/2022 16:06

He wasn't asked to bring pudding for 9. Just to bring desert type things if he really wanted to contribute,which he contacted OP about 2x to offer. I am over invested in this.

HaggisBurger · 31/12/2022 16:06

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

That’s totally odd!! Defo stingey. Yes inc booking fee when you split at time but if you forget - to ask for £1.50 from anyone is insane.

without that I’d have given him benefit of the doubt. But defo get meanness vibes here. One thing I can’t abide particularly in a partner.

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/12/2022 16:06

mathanxiety · 31/12/2022 16:00

He's looking for attention and behaving like a manchild.

I would cool this relationship a lot more if I were you. He doesn't like being a part of your life as it is, with your commitments and existing relationships, and wants you to put him front and centre.

Whaaat? You've got him all sussed out, haven't you?

What are your credentials? Psychology and clairvoyance?

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