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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
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Blossomtoes · 31/12/2022 15:38

saraclara · 31/12/2022 15:22

Good grief. Why don't people actually speak to each other properly? A two minute phone call would have given you all the answers you needed, and you'd both have been able to communicate and pick up on any misunderstanding.

Seriously, I swear than texting is behind 99% of needless arguments and misunderstandings. Just actually use your voices!!!

This. Text is the scourge of communication.

Tlolljs · 31/12/2022 15:38

I’m dying to know what he turns up with. Hope it’s toffee and pecan roulade that’s my favourite 😍

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 15:38

After the theatre ticket thing I wouldn’t be inviting him to anything. Throw this one back in!

Greatly · 31/12/2022 15:38

I'd be horrified if I was asked to bring unspecified pudding items for 9 people that I didn't know!

Justmuddlingalong · 31/12/2022 15:38

If he's tight with money there could be a difference between asking if he should bring anything and do you need anything picking up. The 1st would be him paying, the 2nd could have a presumption that you'll square up with him when he arrives with dessert. It'll be interesting to see if he is buying dessert or collecting it on your behalf.

Newusername3kidss · 31/12/2022 15:40

AIBU to have made him sit on booster?

friend staying over for new year, has a 7 year old (I have 6 year old and 9 year old). 6 year old is still sitting in a car seat and 9 year old has booster as he’s not 135cm yet. My friend’s son was refusing to sit on booster seat and my friend said “oh he doesn’t use it”. He is way shorter than my 9 year old so I said “ in a laughing way” tough luck mate you have to go on it in my car as I’m driving as you’re my responsibility. It all kicked off . He’s quite hard work and my friend (by her own admission) gives in to his demands a lot. Please say I’m not unreasonable?? The law in UK is under 135cm (or under 12 year olds) have to have a booster (at the very least).

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:40

no he didn't bring up the booking fee but then mentioned it when the tickets came up in a convo and sort of said -
actually there was a 1.50 booking fee as well so you owe me hahahaha

so it's not cut and dry if he is stingey or not - he's also commented that my house 4 times the size of his (it's not) so i must earn 4 times what he does

OP posts:
toocold54 · 31/12/2022 15:42

On the other hand not sure i want to date someone who is panicking over buying a pudding or someone too tight to buy a few tesco cheesecakes

I think you’re being a bit mean.

This is the first time he’s coming over with all of your kids and their partners there - that’s a massive deal and a dessert is a pretty big deal.

It may be that he genuinely doesn’t have the money but I’d say it’s more nerves about wanting to make a good impression.

gamerchick · 31/12/2022 15:42

zurala · 31/12/2022 15:20

Whether he's stingy or not, he's coming across as an inept ditherer which would put me right off

That needs direction for completing a task. That is really irritating in someone.

Lovemusic33 · 31/12/2022 15:42

I think he’s just panicking and over thinking (I am dating a over thinker). He’s probably worried he will buy the wrong thing, he wants to make a good impression and not turn up with something no one likes. Either that or he is skint but then why is he stood in a supermarket asking you what he can bring?

VioletLemon · 31/12/2022 15:43

God, nooooooo! This isn't a 'hint' of stingy, I'd find that massive turn off. Sounds like the type to charge you for petrol if he runs you home. Run!!

toocold54 · 31/12/2022 15:43

I'd be horrified if I was asked to bring unspecified pudding items for 9 people that I didn't know!

Me too!!!

Asking someone to pick up a bottle of lemonade or something is ok but desserts for 9 people that you are trying to impress is a massive deal!

NegroniLover · 31/12/2022 15:43

It's v hard to tell from what his stinginess levels are like from the way you've told things. In the booking fee instance - did his friend say how much were the tickets & you said £30 and he added oh there was a £1.50 booking fee on top? So his friend would know exactly how much in case of booking? Or did he turn to you at that point & say to you oh there was a £1.50 booking fee too?
What happened then? Did you try to give him £1.50? Did he take it?
To be honest I would not like to be asked to bring dessert for 9 people en route to the meal.
Unless you have invited everyone to a pot luck style dinner & I knew in advance. Buy to spring a whole course on me at the 11th hour- nope!
We have a friend who has form for this kind of thing so I just don't text ask anymore

I will always have wine/ flowers / chocolates which is standard in our group but to have to organise dessert on top?
When i invite people over I provide the food.
I'm really curious to hear what he turns up with Grin

Ponderingwindow · 31/12/2022 15:45

I would feel really odd showing up with a store bought contribution. A day of dessert request would have me running to my pantry to figure out what I could make in the available time. I would want it to be worthy of bringing to a dinner and pretty annoyed I didn’t have more time.

but he put you on the spot so the timeframe is his fault, not yours.

growinggreyer · 31/12/2022 15:48

Ponderingwindow · 31/12/2022 15:45

I would feel really odd showing up with a store bought contribution. A day of dessert request would have me running to my pantry to figure out what I could make in the available time. I would want it to be worthy of bringing to a dinner and pretty annoyed I didn’t have more time.

but he put you on the spot so the timeframe is his fault, not yours.

You do know that men have different thought processes, don't you? Most men do not go running to their pantry to think about cooking a pavlova or something!

I8toys · 31/12/2022 15:48

I wouldn't like to be asked to get dessert for people I didn't know. What if they have allergies? Nuts, dairy, gluten - its a minefield.

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:48

NegroniLover · 31/12/2022 15:43

It's v hard to tell from what his stinginess levels are like from the way you've told things. In the booking fee instance - did his friend say how much were the tickets & you said £30 and he added oh there was a £1.50 booking fee on top? So his friend would know exactly how much in case of booking? Or did he turn to you at that point & say to you oh there was a £1.50 booking fee too?
What happened then? Did you try to give him £1.50? Did he take it?
To be honest I would not like to be asked to bring dessert for 9 people en route to the meal.
Unless you have invited everyone to a pot luck style dinner & I knew in advance. Buy to spring a whole course on me at the 11th hour- nope!
We have a friend who has form for this kind of thing so I just don't text ask anymore

I will always have wine/ flowers / chocolates which is standard in our group but to have to organise dessert on top?
When i invite people over I provide the food.
I'm really curious to hear what he turns up with Grin

Im trying to remember the exact conversation but i do know i felt abit awkward ...the friend was oh i'd love to see that we're the tickets pricey and i said they were X price each and he said - oh there was a booking fee as well so you owe me 1.50 and laughed - i was just buying coffees and had my purse out so offered him the 1.50 in another hahahahaha way and he took it.

i think cos friend was there i felt more awkward really

OP posts:
SaySomethingMan · 31/12/2022 15:48

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:40

no he didn't bring up the booking fee but then mentioned it when the tickets came up in a convo and sort of said -
actually there was a 1.50 booking fee as well so you owe me hahahaha

so it's not cut and dry if he is stingey or not - he's also commented that my house 4 times the size of his (it's not) so i must earn 4 times what he does

It’s unfair for you to misrepresent him like that. We don’t know you and you winning points here adds nothing

Blossomtoes · 31/12/2022 15:49

growinggreyer · 31/12/2022 15:48

You do know that men have different thought processes, don't you? Most men do not go running to their pantry to think about cooking a pavlova or something!

Show quote history

Nor do most of the women I know. It would be a trip to Waitrose or M&S for everyone I know.

Stravaig · 31/12/2022 15:51

Is it the money or is he generally unfamiliar with large social gatherings?

I would tell him that if he wants to get more seriously involved with someone who is surrounded by family and friends, he needs to stop whining and wrap his head around everything that involves!

thinkfast · 31/12/2022 15:51

If he's in the shops this afternoon, he might be stressing cause they have no deserts left.... there were virtually none in my (large) local M&S at 10am today. I asked the staff who said they'd sold out

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:52

am now Grin at the thought of the odd response being because he needs to rush home to whip up a fresh fruit pavlova in a panic to impress me and my kids ......shame though i love pavlova

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 31/12/2022 15:52

What a drip of a man!

OwwwMuuuum · 31/12/2022 15:53

Onnabugeisha · 31/12/2022 15:12

Same here. You went from no, no, honestly don’t bring anything unless you fancy a particular drink to actually I have no dessert, can you bring it for 9 people.

Why on Earth didn’t you just reassure him with your original response?

Show quote history

Me too. You say oh nothing much and then, when he’s literally in the shop, you tell him ok then pudding for 9??! No wonder you’ve got a bad response.

ArseMenagerie · 31/12/2022 15:53

I can’t bear stinginess and his lack of grace and generosity would be an absolute turn off. I’d bin him off.