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Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
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9
TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2022 15:24

He asked you to pay him back £1.50? Did he want cash or bank transfer? This is the problem with insisting on paying 50/50 for everything, you attract men like this.

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 31/12/2022 15:24

@upfucked tbf I overthink things. If I was going to a family meal (not my family) and had been suddenly asked to pick up 'pudding', I would be eager to get it right and end up picking up a huge selection to cater for all dietary needs! My friend would just bring along ice cream 🙂(and everyone would be happy)

@sleeplessinsouthhampton Interesting comment re the stingy thing. I think you have a few niggles and this has triggered them. It's never really about the pudding 😁
Your meal sounds lovely by the way, can I come...happy to bring a cheesecake!

Blueborage · 31/12/2022 15:24

Judge people by their actions. Chasing you up for 1.50 a week later would have been the absolute end for me.

PurpleBurglarAlarm · 31/12/2022 15:24

“That’s fine don’t bring anything. Sorry, I assumed that when you asked if you could bring anything you meant could you bring anything”

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 31/12/2022 15:25

@sleeplessinsouthhampton Just seen the booking fee update. Okay, now I understand.

Thriwit · 31/12/2022 15:25

In his shoes, I would be a bit annoyed at you. If I was at the shops and asked if you were sure there wasn’t anything I could bring, I would be thinking a missing ingredient or something you’d run out of etc - some milk or custard or something. I’d be very taken aback if that turned into dessert for 9 people! Especially as not knowing the people well, I wouldn’t know what they liked or not. And wouldn’t know the general expected standard of dessert that you have at family gatherings - are we talking packs of doughnuts, or some kind of huge gateaux with berries, coulis, cream etc etc

iamthesparrow · 31/12/2022 15:25

Sounds like a stingy twat from your updates. £1.50 booking fee?!

He could easily pick up a chocolate cake and a cheesecake for £10 from a supermarket.

He doesn't want to spend that but is happy to eat your roast and drink your booze.

Persephoned · 31/12/2022 15:25

I’m a confident cook and host and confident guest (!) but would be feeling a bit nervous about attending a big family do where I’m the newbie - he obviously wants to contribute as he’s asked twice but my thinking to your responses would be ‘okay, she doesn’t need any drink it would be weird to being a drink just because I like it when she has so much in that everyone enjoys. I’d better check again’ ‘ah, okay…dessert for 9…I was just popping into the shops and don’t know what everyone likes or what the ‘done thing’ is at these gatherings - two massive chocolate cakes, a box of quality chocs, after dinner mints or two cheesecakes??!’ I empathise with him and think you either need to say ‘honestly don’t worry, you don’t need to bring anything’ or give him some more direction as to what would be helpful and people would appreciate.

Doingmybest12 · 31/12/2022 15:26

Hopefully, something has got lost in translation and a phone call will clear it up. But there is a certain type of person who want to look generous, make vague offerings , and when you eventually suggest something they make it clear that's not they meant at all and they had something else in their mind all along. It can be unconscious I think but it can be hard to navigate. But hopefully he has just panicked a bit or misunderstood what you meant.

Oldraver · 31/12/2022 15:26

He asked for £1.50 a week later ? would be instant dismissal for me

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2022 15:27

I would have blocked him once his asked for the £1.50 back. Send him an invoice for the meal you're cooking him.

Jellycats4life · 31/12/2022 15:28

Like you say, it’s a bit weird to ask twice and then be peeved when you assume he WANTS to contribute.

I can’t be doing with tight people or people who play games, wanting to show willingness when they’re not actually willing.

You already said he didn’t need to bring anything so he shot himself in the foot by messaging you to say he was standing in a shop 🙄

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:28

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 15:23

Dh once offered to cook for my family.
10 of us. He bought some veg including 3 small carrots.
Maybe he can't imagine how much cake for 9?? Suggest cheesecake. Surely he passes a shop en route?

am
😂 at 3 small carrots for 10 - maybe he'll turn up with a pack of 6 petit filous

but- back to convo- if he had said to me they only have cheesecake or ice cream i'd have been able to advise i suppose

gah don't even want dessert - oh well he'll be here soon (hopefully) so we shall see what he brings or doesn't bring

OP posts:
Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:30

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2022 15:24

He asked you to pay him back £1.50? Did he want cash or bank transfer? This is the problem with insisting on paying 50/50 for everything, you attract men like this.

it came up in a convo about the tickets with his friend- he didn't specifically ask
me...friend was asking how much the tickets were and i said and then he said oh actually there was a 1.50 booking fee as well

OP posts:
Ladyofthelake53 · 31/12/2022 15:30

Ask him why bothered to you ask again if its such a "big ask" for him

ilovesooty · 31/12/2022 15:31

saraclara · 31/12/2022 15:22

Good grief. Why don't people actually speak to each other properly? A two minute phone call would have given you all the answers you needed, and you'd both have been able to communicate and pick up on any misunderstanding.

Seriously, I swear than texting is behind 99% of needless arguments and misunderstandings. Just actually use your voices!!!

Exactly

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 15:32

YANBU unless he's completely skint (in which case why keep offering to bring stuff after the first time) he can easily bring deserts for under a tenner. Probably under a fiver. If someone's cooking you a huge meal and providing drinks etc it shouldn't be a big deal at all.

Blossomandbee · 31/12/2022 15:32

I think it's a bit of mixed communication. You've told him it's all under control and you don't need anything, then after a polite double check whilst popping to the shop you've told him actually you can bring dessert for 9 people.
I think a lot of men people might be caught on the back foot by this.

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 15:34

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50

That is stingy as fuck. If he can afford theatre tickets he can afford not to chase up £1.50 a week later! That would massively put me off.

Onnabugeisha · 31/12/2022 15:35

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:30

it came up in a convo about the tickets with his friend- he didn't specifically ask
me...friend was asking how much the tickets were and i said and then he said oh actually there was a 1.50 booking fee as well

Show quote history

So he didnt ask you for £1.50 then, he was just making sure your friend knew there was a booking fee…

ilovesooty · 31/12/2022 15:35

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:30

it came up in a convo about the tickets with his friend- he didn't specifically ask
me...friend was asking how much the tickets were and i said and then he said oh actually there was a 1.50 booking fee as well

Show quote history

So he didn't initiate a conversation about the booking fee or ask you for it?

VioletLemon · 31/12/2022 15:36

Possibly anxious he might need to choose various different things, not knowing what anybody likes, worried he might need to prep it and put it out?! He might turn up with 9 different things!!

IsEveryDayReallyASchoolDay · 31/12/2022 15:36

What makes you think it's about the money?

If he was so mean with money then surely he wouldn't have offered once, let alone twice!

I would imagine that it's a bit daunting to have to think of what to buy for nine people he doesn't know well.

teezletangler · 31/12/2022 15:37

^it came up in a convo about the tickets with his friend- he didn't specifically ask
me...friend was asking how much the tickets were and i said and then he said oh actually there was a 1.50 booking fee as well^

This isn't at all the same thing as asking for the money. If you're discussing ticket prices, you might just mention that to someone so they know there's a fee?

2023istheyearigetmyacttogether · 31/12/2022 15:37

If I messaged in that scenario, I would be expecting the answer to be "lemons" or "loo roll" or something where, when you're prepping, you suddenly realise you've run out of something. I wouldn't expect to be bringing a core part of the meal. I would also feel embarrassed as, whilst picking up cheesecakes or ice creams was an option, if it was the first time I was meeting people, I would have at least found out dietary requirements and gone a bit more effort than grabbing what was on supermarket shelves at 3pm on NYE.