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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
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9
Sparkletastic · 31/12/2022 16:07

He sounds tight. I wouldn't want to be seeing the NY in with him.

AutumnCrow · 31/12/2022 16:07

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/12/2022 16:06

Whaaat? You've got him all sussed out, haven't you?

What are your credentials? Psychology and clairvoyance?

Show quote history

I've got my tarot cards out

BakersYeast · 31/12/2022 16:07

Adviceneeded200 · 31/12/2022 15:07

He might not mean cost but bad phrasing of how to choose for 9.

A fair few men would probably be unconfident with such "choices" and worry about getting quantity or choice wrong. And then keeping it cold..all the sort of things you just do daily!

He was probably expecting a list of standard stuff 6 beers, 2 white wine!

Be irritated but let it go..what people really mean when texting can be so difficult to call

This is my thought. Men can be pretty useless and maybe he was unsure of what you would like etc . i think I would have been too at the last minute. Bottles would have been an easier ask.

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/12/2022 16:09

AutumnCrow · 31/12/2022 16:07

I've got my tarot cards out

Show quote history

😂

Onnabugeisha · 31/12/2022 16:09

BakersYeast · 31/12/2022 16:07

This is my thought. Men can be pretty useless and maybe he was unsure of what you would like etc . i think I would have been too at the last minute. Bottles would have been an easier ask.

Show quote history

I’d be panicking too. 9 people! What if one has a food allergy? Or is vegan? Id have no idea what to get.

bangragal · 31/12/2022 16:12

Agree with previous posters that he only offered again to make himself look good, but never expected you to come up with anything

Bringing up (and taking) 1.50 from a partner is beyond miserly.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 31/12/2022 16:13

I admire OP for having standards about what she will accept in a partner. My STBexH would also go to pieces at the thought of being allowed to choose a dessert for 9 people - he can't take the slightest responsibility. One reason why he's a STBexH. OP wants a grown up and certainly one who doesn't mention her "big house" and a £1.50 booking fee.

LimeTwists · 31/12/2022 16:14

How is it ‘a big ask’? Firstly, he’s literally already in a shop with desserts - no travel involved. Secondly, he asked you, twice. Finally, desserts for 9 people would be 2-3 cheesecakes at the most. We’re looking at £10-£15 tops. Really not difficult to purchase a shop made one, is it?

I would read this as him thinking him being asked to buy desserts for 8 other people is the ‘big ask’. Yet he’s happy to drink your booze and eat the main course you’ve paid for and prepared. I’m even more convinced of it now that you’ve said he actually accepted £1.50 in coins from you to cover a ticket booking fee. Unless he’s on the breadline / in debt this is absolute tight-arse behaviour when he’s been seeing you for nine months.

I’d ask him, ‘why was it a big ask? You did ask me twice.’ Let him explain what he meant.

WilsonMilson · 31/12/2022 16:14

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

I was with him until this update. This is beyond the pale stingy. I cannot believe he asked you for the £1.50 booking fee. I’d dump him for that alone.

melj1213 · 31/12/2022 16:14

harrassedmumto3 · 31/12/2022 15:58

Why did he bother even asking? It was an empty gesture on his part, clearly.
Apart from anything else, I'd be pissed off at receiving such feckless messages when I was trying to cook and prepare. Just use your bloody initiative!
YANBU.

I think that the OP has seen it as the same thing both times whereas the guy has seen it as two different questions:

  1. he asked initially in case the Op wanted him to bring a dish or something specific, she said no.

  2. he's in the shop and messaged to see if she wanted anything picking up, as in a forgotten ingredient/an extra tub of cream/more wine etc, and was told to bring dessert for 9 people.

Dessert for 9 is a big ask when the buyer doesn't know what anyone likes/dislikes, if there are any allergies or intolerances, what kind of portion sizes people eat (a "feeds 6-8" cheesecake for example will feed my dad and 2 brothers with nothing left for anyone else or it will feed me, my sis, mum and all of the kids (6 under 13s) as the kids only have a little slice each ... No way one cake would feed 6, never mind 8, adults in our house), whether to buy cream/custard/ice-cream; whether it's better to overbuy or under buy etc etc especially if it's his first time meeting everyone and he wants to make a good impression

My parents often invite me and my siblings for dinner, we always ask if there's anything they need us to bring and they always say no. We always double check on the day that they don't want anything picking up and it's a 50/50 toss up between "No we're good" and "Actually could you get some extra cheese for the cauliflower cheese/we've run out of bread, can you pick some up please?" Each time.

amonsteronthehill · 31/12/2022 16:16

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

Holy shit! He came back to you about a £1.50 booking fee some time after you'd paid for your ticket? That would have been the end for me.

I think you have your own answer here: he's stingy and didn't expect you to ask him to actually contribute in any meaningful way.

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2022 16:16

He took £1.50 from you for the booking fee?!

Hmm, I'd be thinking about this!

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/12/2022 16:18

Has he ever declined your 50% and said "no, this is my treat today"?

toocold54 · 31/12/2022 16:18

Finally, desserts for 9 people would be 2-3 cheesecakes at the most. We’re looking at £10-£15 tops. Really not difficult to purchase a shop made one, is it?

Why would you buy 3 cheesecakes?

Surely you’d buy 1 cheesecake and then 2 other things.

Out of 9 people there’s bound to be some that don’t like cheesecake.

PhilomenaPringle · 31/12/2022 16:18

I'd be horrified if I was asked to bring unspecified pudding items for 9 people that I didn't know!

Likewise. I'm a perfectly confident cook, and host, but to be put on the spot last minute like that would be - a big ask!

Doingmybest12 · 31/12/2022 16:19

And again... she didn't ask for desert for 9 just a contribution of a desert type thing if he wanted to contribute.

BreatheAndFocus · 31/12/2022 16:19

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt about the dessert thing, but I wouldn’t want to be with someone so mean and stingy that he asks for £1.50 back. I’d also have told him to get lost after the comment about your house and your earnings. He sounds stingy, jealous and immature from what you’ve written.

LivelyBlake · 31/12/2022 16:20

He might have been stumped at the idea if getting dessert for 9 but he could have asked the OP. Something like "Any suggestions? I'm at Waitrose/M&S wherever.

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 16:20

“Men can be pretty useless and maybe he was unsure of what you would like etc .”

Maybe the men you know! Why is it women who have to be default ‘useful’. Funny how men are never ‘useless’ when it comes to their own interests… stop enabling the ‘useless’ men in your life and making excuses for them. Expect them to step up like women have to.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:21

Keyansier · 31/12/2022 15:04

I'd be a bit annoyed if I had asked to bring something and was told no, or maybe a few drinks, and then decided to check again out of politeness and was asked to source dessert for 9 people. I mean personally I wouldn't have asked after the first time, so it's his own fault really, but I wouldn't be pleased at that being sprung on me last minute.

Source dessert! 😂

He's not being sent down the sugar mines.
He can nip into Spar & get a few tubs of ice cream ffs.

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 16:23

PhilomenaPringle · 31/12/2022 16:18

I'd be horrified if I was asked to bring unspecified pudding items for 9 people that I didn't know!

Likewise. I'm a perfectly confident cook, and host, but to be put on the spot last minute like that would be - a big ask!

“Will a couple of frozen cheesecakes do?”
”yes.”

Its really big rocket science! 🙄 can we all stop falling over ourselves to let men off the hook…

Headabovetheparakeet · 31/12/2022 16:23

I can't believe how many posters are saying they would be panicking or stumped if they were asked to buy some desserts.

If someone asked me to do this on the way to their house, it'd be clear to me they weren't expecting something homemade or spectacular.

Zanatdy · 31/12/2022 16:23

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

Oh gosh would you really ask someone for another £1.50? I’d imagine then that he’s concerned about the cost of the dessert, but as others have said 1-2 cheesecakes and job done. After all you’re going to someone’s for dinner, spending a tenner isn’t asking much

misslucy92 · 31/12/2022 16:24

Do you even like him, OP?

It doesn’t seem like it. I understand being busy but normally when you’re in love being together is a treat not a chore.

You‘ve known him for nine months which isn’t that short yet you aren’t even giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Asking Someone to bring desserts for nine people on such short notice is sort of rude. You could’ve told him the first time he asked. The second time he was likely just checking in because he thought that you may have forgotten some butter or something random and he could’ve picked it up.

You‘re in the wrong here and if you feel so upset towards him because of such a minor issue maybe let him go and break up so that he can find someone a bit kinder.

He was probably stressed because many things are sold out now.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:24

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:40

no he didn't bring up the booking fee but then mentioned it when the tickets came up in a convo and sort of said -
actually there was a 1.50 booking fee as well so you owe me hahahaha

so it's not cut and dry if he is stingey or not - he's also commented that my house 4 times the size of his (it's not) so i must earn 4 times what he does

Ugh. He's given me Proxy Ick.