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AIBU?

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Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Redcrayons · 31/12/2022 15:14

boboshmobo · 31/12/2022 15:12

Maybe he is broke? £10 is a lot to some people .. if not then yanbu!

Why offer twice then? He didn’t have to begin anything.

imalreadygone · 31/12/2022 15:15

CantFindTheBeat · 31/12/2022 15:09

I thought the same as @Proteinpudding - coming to a big family dinner for the first time is quite daunting. He was probably thinking 'should i bring chocolates' or something,

The desserts is your job really if you wanted them!

Yes he's probably trying to work out if you want after eights or something not a whole course!

hopeishere · 31/12/2022 15:16

Adviceneeded200 · 31/12/2022 15:13

Also!

When we went shopping last night the shelves were really light and so much gone.

Pudding options were down to things like sponge puddings, yoghurt and short dated brandy sauce. Even the frozen section was just yukky rubbish (think triple double chokky chocolate chunk caramel cheesecake) left over. Personally if you asked me, I'd have grabbed cream and lots of fruit, but I'm pretty used to adapting.

See he might be worried that "triple double chokky" would be sniffed at...

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 15:16

No he’s definitely stingy. That would be a red flag for me.

CantFindTheBeat · 31/12/2022 15:16

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:10

thanks - i'm
not fussed at all about desserts but why ask twice and then be weird about the answer? Can't work out if he's worried about picking the right sort of dessert or if it's the money - he has shown a few hints of being abit stingey before and also comparing my house to his etc. so this has out me on edge again

i've responded along the lines of really doesn't matter if you don't see any desserts you fancy as i have a few bits and bobs in - he's not yet replied

Well that is brand new information, OP!!

If you have a feeling he's stingy then he probably IS stingy.

I'm sure previous posters would have commented differently if you'd have shared that first.

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:17

oh gosh conflicting responses - on the one hand I don't want to make home feel awkward ....hadn't crossed my mind as he's quite confident and self assured. On the other hand not sure i want to date someone who is panicking over buying a pudding or someone too tight to buy a few tesco cheesecakes ....

he can afford a tenner i'm quite sure of that

OP posts:
m00rfarm · 31/12/2022 15:17

I would have interpreted it as not having a clue what to buy rather than not wanting to spend any money.

hobbledyhoy · 31/12/2022 15:18

YABU. He probably wants to make the best impression possible and is likely worried he'll make the wrong choice

upfucked · 31/12/2022 15:18

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 15:14

“A fair few men would probably be unconfident with such "choices" and worry about getting quantity or choice wrong. And then keeping it cold..all the sort of things you just do daily!”

Oh god - always the apologists for crap men. Funny how they can’t make domestic choices like that but can rule the world and have all the top jobs…

Poor men - oh the horror of having to choose desserts! 🙄

My thinking too. There are plenty of things I’m not used to but I just get on with it. It’s dessert not nuclear fussion.

Bestcatmum · 31/12/2022 15:18

That would do it for me, I don't date stingy or cocklodgers.

Athenen0ctua · 31/12/2022 15:19

It's easy to see how many a cheesecake serves on the package, usually 6 so two cakes would be plenty. If you didn't specify I'd assume I was free to pick what I liked.

imalreadygone · 31/12/2022 15:19

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:17

oh gosh conflicting responses - on the one hand I don't want to make home feel awkward ....hadn't crossed my mind as he's quite confident and self assured. On the other hand not sure i want to date someone who is panicking over buying a pudding or someone too tight to buy a few tesco cheesecakes ....

he can afford a tenner i'm quite sure of that

Because he might think you're expecting more than that. He might be thinking he's got to really impress. And he probably just meant shall I get some chocolates or are you sure you don't want more drinks etc? Not providing the whole dessert course.

Hankunamatata · 31/12/2022 15:20

Perhaps it's not about price but choosing what to get and mild panic about it not being right

zurala · 31/12/2022 15:20

Whether he's stingy or not, he's coming across as an inept ditherer which would put me right off

Adviceneeded200 · 31/12/2022 15:20

I would have expected it to be based on not knowing what to buy (for 9).or not being able to buy anything sensible due to stock levels.

Stingey is far worse - but, really, three puddings are cheaper than a few bottles of wine?

PinkyU · 31/12/2022 15:20

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:10

thanks - i'm
not fussed at all about desserts but why ask twice and then be weird about the answer? Can't work out if he's worried about picking the right sort of dessert or if it's the money - he has shown a few hints of being abit stingey before and also comparing my house to his etc. so this has out me on edge again

i've responded along the lines of really doesn't matter if you don't see any desserts you fancy as i have a few bits and bobs in - he's not yet replied

He didn’t ask twice.

He asked once if he could bring anything for the meal. You said “no”.

He then asked, in a shop, whilst on the way if you needed anything picked up.

It’s two different asks.

onmywayamarillo · 31/12/2022 15:20

If he wants one answer to a question then he stop asking 🤣

But seeing as he was in the shop I assume he was buying things.. so yes probably put out that you e asked for pudding too?

Just call him and say it was a misunderstanding and it's because he kept asking

imalreadygone · 31/12/2022 15:20

Or his standard dessert might make 3 hours to prepare and he's not used to shop bought?

DDivaStar · 31/12/2022 15:21

I'm sure he expected a reply of drinks, treats or something you'd genuinely forgotten, not a whole course for 9.

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

OP posts:
saraclara · 31/12/2022 15:22

Good grief. Why don't people actually speak to each other properly? A two minute phone call would have given you all the answers you needed, and you'd both have been able to communicate and pick up on any misunderstanding.

Seriously, I swear than texting is behind 99% of needless arguments and misunderstandings. Just actually use your voices!!!

OdeToBarney · 31/12/2022 15:22

Proteinpudding · 31/12/2022 15:06

I would speak to him, it may not be about the price but if he's not used to large family gatherings he might be anxious about getting it wrong. If I (wrongly) assumed I was being asked to provide desert for 9 and I was already in the supermarket id probably be a bit worried about portion sizes and preferences and end up over buying to make sure everyone was covered!

This!

CantFindTheBeat · 31/12/2022 15:22

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

Erm - no, that is VERY stingy, OP.

You wouldn't expect a friend to do that, let alone a romantic partner.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 15:23

Dh once offered to cook for my family.
10 of us. He bought some veg including 3 small carrots.
Maybe he can't imagine how much cake for 9?? Suggest cheesecake. Surely he passes a shop en route?

AmayaBuzzbee · 31/12/2022 15:23

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

Wow, I’d ditch him for this -stingy for sure!! How unattractive!