New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

[sleeplessinsouthhampton]

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

Funny how he’s a casual guest when it comes to asking him to bring a pudding but simultaneously you’re berating OP for not treating him as a potential life partner.

You can’t have it both ways, Greatly.

It's not casual.
The OP has said as much now
Why are you so concerned with someone pointing out that the relationship isn't casual?

@LuckySantangelo35

this “cas” relationships….

would you have invited them to a family only dinner and games on NYE with your children and their partners and then have him stay over and sticks around until late morning on NYD with your family and teen kids around?

Some of you feel so bitterly and intensely about this casual relationship, it makes me think you sorely long for either marriage officiant or thrupple status

@ridiculoso82

yeah probably would 🤷‍♀️
I would have no issue with my teenage kids knowing I was dating
no big deal

@HotChoxs

its casual in the sense that they are not living together and op is still sussing out whether she wants to commit to him further

They have now said that the person is their boyfriend, so there are no more discussions about casual to be had. No need to come on and be bitter just because some of us wanted the OP to clarify their thinking.

The OP has said that the person is their boyfriend. Why are people still trying to push their casual relationship agenda on here?

Eh? She says in the OP it has been fairly casual and she invited him last minute. You don't then ask that person to think of, shop for and bring the entire pudding. That's rude. But she doesn't seem to think much of him generally so the being rude thing doesn't matter maybe.

About this relationship status then 😃 vicarious congrats on the status update though

Knowing you’re dating? Sure

a casual fling sitting next to them at a family dinner on New Year’s Eve, and then having brekkie with them on NYD? Less so

She's hot and she's cold, she's in and she's out, shake it all about. Boyfriend, casual, casual boyfriend, come for dinner with meee (and bring dessert)

@HotChoxs

you’re so funny 😆

OP I think what you need to remember is men are not mind readers.

Many women (sorry for the generalisation) expect men to be mind readers.

They will say 1 thing and actually mean something else and expect their partner to know without being told.

Not only is bringing desserts quite a big deal (best part of the meal IMO) and it was the first family meal he’s ever been to - massive deal!
He may also be aware that you may want him to read your mind.

It would make sense that this could be why he asked you twice instead of just saying ok.
He may have had ex’s who were quite difficult and him bringing the wrong dessert could have resulted in an argument or something.

You also seem a bit unimpressed that he brought viennas when originally you said you didn’t mind what he bought.
PPs said they would love viennas so it’s a good option.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to commit to a serious relationship.

I think there’s no need to constantly move on or find out where the relationship is going.
If you’re both happy and you’re both having fun then just carry on as things are.

Clearly some of you could see writing on the cards .....it's over (sort of) He wanted more, I agreed to think about it but knew I wasn't in that space so decided fairer to end things. He's now claiming he's happy on my terms but I just don't think it work- power balance is off? I've been on the other side of an imbalance and it's not nice. He's meanwhile adamant is ok as things are .....but i can't give anymore - or it might be i don't want to give more. Headfuck!

Sounds like you're well rid. Onwards and upwards!!

Sounds like way too much hard work OP. I'd end it and be firm that it's over. It just sounds stressful when it shouldn't be!

I had one of these, always wanted more than I would give. Would back off periodically, only for the issue to re emerge.

He's meanwhile adamant is ok as things are .....but i can't give anymore - or it might be i don't want to give more. Headfuck!

It's not a headfuck when you separate his desire to tell you it's ok with your certain knowledge that it is not.

It makes no odds whether you "can't" or "don't want" - either is valid.
You don't need to play along with a half-hearted relationship just because a man tells you he's willing to settle for crumbs.

A clean kill is kinder than a death by 1000 cuts.

Excellently put @KettrickenSmiled

@Calphurnia88