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AIBU?

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Original poster

For my arguing with my MIL on Christmas Day?

259 replies

MamaCathy73 · 30/12/2022 19:40

Hi everyone,

My DC came out as non-binary last year and now asks that they be referred to by they/them pronouns. I do not think this is a big deal, and so I happily oblige even if I do not fully understand. My MIL is a strong Christian, and despite knowing that DC does not want to be referred to as he/him, does it anyway. She often says things like "gender is what's in your pants, not your brain", amongst other clichés. On Christmas Day, she was particularly bad, and she was clearly going out of her way to invalidate DC's gender identity as much as possible. After I corrected her (because DC was visibly uncomfortable), she began to rant about how much he hates Stonewall and this "transing" business right in front of them. This did not sit right with me at all, so I got very angry with her (lots of expletives). Anyway, DH did not like how I reacted, saying that I ruined Christmas, and that I shouldn't have spoken to his mother like that. I see his point, but I am upset that he didn't want to defend our child from MIL.

Interested to know how others would have reacted in that situation.

OP posts:
yummymummyismyname · 30/12/2022 19:42

Divorce now :( your poor dc

sending love x

NoelleSnowman · 30/12/2022 19:42

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LoveCillian · 30/12/2022 19:42

I would have tried my hardest to stick up for my child without swearing at my MIL

ememem84 · 30/12/2022 19:42

I think I’d have reacted the same. If mil was deliberately poking and stirring.

yummymummyismyname · 30/12/2022 19:43

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this is so wrong ... my eldest dc is also non binary and all you can do is love and support them ... people like you are what's wrong with our world

Stationsofthecross · 30/12/2022 19:44

I mean I wouldn’t have cursed at her - I probably would have taken her aside to speak to her but you did what you felt was right so 🫤

crimbocountdown · 30/12/2022 19:45

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Have to agree with this. You might be ok with it. I wouldn't be

NoelleSnowman · 30/12/2022 19:45

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yummymummyismyname · 30/12/2022 19:45

@crimbocountdown

keep your nasty opinions to yourself

TinaYouFatLard · 30/12/2022 19:45

You should not be enforcing compelled speech on another person.

WarmWinterSun · 30/12/2022 19:46

Of course your MIL was right, and you should not have sworn at her on Christmas day. But she was incredibly rude to you and your child. Both unreasonable here.

yummymummyismyname · 30/12/2022 19:46

@NoelleSnowman

why are you so invested in something that doesn't affect you ... why does a child being non binary have anything to do with your life

AppleKatie · 30/12/2022 19:46

Whether or not you agree with MIL is a red herring here.

I would have politely but firmly asked her to stop being rude to your DC, ‘come on MIL we can all have our own opinions on this issue but it’s not kind to make X feel uncomfortable in their own home on Christmas day’

’no I’m afraid I really must insist the conversation is changed now this is neither the time nor the place’.

I understand your desire to protect your DCs feelings (I also understand your mil’s point)- however she was being deliberately provocative and your expletives were rude and made the situation worse.

SSDDagain88 · 30/12/2022 19:47

Surely she is allowed her opinion on things like this as much as you and you DC and just because you don’t agree doesn’t make her opinion any less wrong

AllotmentTime · 30/12/2022 19:47

I’m as GC as they come, but Christmas Day was not the moment for your MIL to start a debate, and deliberately using pronouns etc that your DC has asked not to be used makes it personal, rather than a general issue. She was in the wrong. I’d like to think I wouldn’t have sworn at her, but you do not turn your DGC into a battleground on Christmas Day, no matter how wrong you might think they are.

yummymummyismyname · 30/12/2022 19:47

SSDDagain88 · 30/12/2022 19:47

Surely she is allowed her opinion on things like this as much as you and you DC and just because you don’t agree doesn’t make her opinion any less wrong

She doesn't have to voice her opinion to her grandchild on christmas day of all days does she ...

FuntCase · 30/12/2022 19:48

Your MiL will fit right in on here.

In reality people don’t deliberately do something to cause offence especially to the people they love. Whatever your stance on trans rights / women’s rights, if you set out to do this you’re a bellend.

RewildingAmbridge · 30/12/2022 19:48

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TidyDancer · 30/12/2022 19:48

Yeah your MIL was absolutely right but could've chosen a better way of expressing herself perhaps. Your reaction didn't help matters at all but you can't compel your MIL to pander to this. It shouldn't be indulged.

yummymummyismyname · 30/12/2022 19:49

FuntCase · 30/12/2022 19:48

Your MiL will fit right in on here.

In reality people don’t deliberately do something to cause offence especially to the people they love. Whatever your stance on trans rights / women’s rights, if you set out to do this you’re a bellend.

👏👏👏👏

NoelleSnowman · 30/12/2022 19:49

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yummymummyismyname · 30/12/2022 19:50

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FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 30/12/2022 19:50

I lean more towards agreeing with your MILs views but she lost the high road on this one when she chose to berate your child on Xmas day and knowingly hurt their feelings. She could have avoided the use of any pronouns, using your child's name instead and saved her views for a more polite and considered conversation at a more suitable time.

I can understand that your protective instincts came out and you just wanted to stand up for your child but you probably could have been more restrained in your response to keep the peace while still letting MIL know that she needed to stop.

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 30/12/2022 19:50

What is non binary op? Do you mean your child doesn't conform to gender stereotypes?

You do realise that it's not progressive to insist girls only like pink and being dainty and boys only like farting and football. And insisting your child is non binary because they don't fit into a narrow box is reinforcing those stereotypes.

Your way is a safeguarding nightmare. Leads to the erosion of same sex attraction and children making themselves infertile. Look up Keira Bell. Read the Cass report. Read the newspapers about how Mermaids and Stonewall champions have been implicated in legal and safeguarding scandals.

Your mil is right. You are so wrong.

IrisCosyCottage · 30/12/2022 19:50

I'd have reacted without shouting and swearing. But I'd also have explained to my DC that their pronouns weren't the most important part of Christmas and thankfully my DC have both empathy and a sense of perspective.
It doesn't help your DC if you make their pronoun choice the main topic of Christmas dinner and the cause of a giant argument.
But since precisely no-one has discussions about Stonewall over Christmas dinner this seems contrived for screenshots.