For my arguing with my MIL on Christmas Day?

[MamaCathy73]

Hi everyone,

My DC came out as non-binary last year and now asks that they be referred to by they/them pronouns. I do not think this is a big deal, and so I happily oblige even if I do not fully understand. My MIL is a strong Christian, and despite knowing that DC does not want to be referred to as he/him, does it anyway. She often says things like "gender is what's in your pants, not your brain", amongst other clichés. On Christmas Day, she was particularly bad, and she was clearly going out of her way to invalidate DC's gender identity as much as possible. After I corrected her (because DC was visibly uncomfortable), she began to rant about how much he hates Stonewall and this "transing" business right in front of them. This did not sit right with me at all, so I got very angry with her (lots of expletives). Anyway, DH did not like how I reacted, saying that I ruined Christmas, and that I shouldn't have spoken to his mother like that. I see his point, but I am upset that he didn't want to defend our child from MIL.

Interested to know how others would have reacted in that situation.

Do enlighten me as why it's wrong. Do you go along with everything a child wants? Do you believe everything a child says? Is there no chaos when you are around children because of this?

With regards to this particular topic and sexuality. Not in general. Stop picking holes.

Respecting your child’s preferences and / or choices is important and if you don’t you will damage your relationship with them forever - as has happened with my dds trans friends and their parents.

People here are so small minded and ignorant about this topic. It is not hurting anyone to use someone’s preferred pronouns. Or to accept a change in sexuality (as per the previous comment). Why can’t everyone just let people be who they want to be?

Wow what a bingo card!

MIL
‘Ranting’
Christian
invalidating someone’s ‘gender identity’
Making grandchild sad

FFS. Why don’t you and all the other pitchfork village idiots just burn her at the stake and be done? 🙄

Shhhhhhhhhh!

We don’t talk about any of the negatives behind this distorted ideology. Only think of the warm fuzzy feelings and glow of being ‘right’.

Don’t ask why some non-binary girls are feeling the need to change their sex characteristics (though we are told it has nothing to do with biological sex) by removing healthy breast tissue. Or taking puberty blockers/cross sex hormones which cause permanent and sometimes horrific health issues. Or why doctors whistleblowing on this were silenced.

And definitely do not question why so much of this ideology requires a quasi-religious belief in stereotypes we thought we’d destroyed in the 90’s.

Just shut up. Be nice. It won’t hurt. Look elsewhere.

“People here are so small minded and ignorant about this topic. It is not hurting anyone to use someone’s preferred pronouns. Or to accept a change in sexuality (as per the previous comment). Why can’t everyone just let people be who they want to be?”

Jeez I think until you educate yourself even a teeny wee bit on why it might be problematic then it’s a bit rich to call anyone else ‘ignorant and small minded’…

Regardless of my own views on the subject, if anyone was rude to my DC and made them feel uncomfortable in their own home, they would get it both barrels. If your own mum doesn't have your back then who does. YANBU.

Most parents won't let their kids 'just be who they want to be' if that means harm. Gender ideology is a belief system that not everyone shares. If my child believed they hated their perfectly healthy body, there is NO WAY IN HELL I would accept this for them, nor would I agree with them.

As to sexual orientation, I have a bisexual DD and she didn't even need to 'come out' to her family as she was fully aware that we didn't care who she dated as long as that person was good to her. Oh, and despite her being young and rather progressive (BLM, anti-capitalist, feminist), she thinks gender ideology is a regressive notion. So do many of her friends, including her girlfriend. The younger generation is getting fed up. Dylan Mulvaney and all that.

Yes let’s assume everyone that doesn’t have the typical Mumsnet anti trans stance is ignorant and must need educating. 🙄

So tedious.

Just because someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t make them stupid. Or mean that they’re unaware of the various counter arguments.

Exactly this.

My mother voted for Brexit. We don’t bring it up over Christmas diner because sometimes with family you need to not deliberately instigate a row. I don’t do compelled speech though so if she did bring it up, well, “I’d rather be rude than a fucking liar”.

Part of parenting is teaching your dc how to deal with other people being of a different faith or no faith at all. Not everyone is a believer and they need to understand that evangelicalism is oft not well received. When you say to someone, particularly an older women with several decades of misogyny under her belt, “well, akkshully, I’m non binary, akshully”. What you are really saying is “I’m not a walking stereotype like you, you boring old housfrau who knows nothing about anything”. What you are saying is “you identify with your oppression in a patriarchal society, I don’t because I’m am better and smarter and will never be boring like you”. It’s what Victoria Smith describes as “waves of feminism” - we distance ourselves from our mothers in the hope that we won’t be crushed by the same misogyny. It fails, and our daughters and our daughters daughters repeat it, thinking it’s something new. What you are asking doesn’t “cost nothing” so sit down and expect some pushback. Nobody is going to pave the jungle for you.

Light touchpaper and retire back to Reddit.

Right, and that’s why hundreds adults are now wishing they had been encouraged not to have gender transition surgery they were young.

Parents shouldn’t ‘just accept’ anything,

Mil shouldn't have pushed her point maybe but shouting and swearing isn't a good look. Your dh is right to be miffed with you but he should be with his mum too for being argumentative with your dc.

It seems to me that she tackled an emotive subject, where she knew there were irreconcilable differences on Christmas Day. She can't be surprised at the outcome.

I'm with your MIL
Her timing wasn't brilliant though
fairplayforwomen.com/pronouns/

Could there not be a middle way? If your child under 18 says they wish to undergo surgery you make it clear you do not support such a move, but use the pronouns they request?

Afterfire

Unfortunately this was the absolute rage just as DD hit secondary school and all her friends started to be called bob and Pete and declared they were going to transition.

I'm more than happy for my DC to do whatever they want when they get to 18 with a teeny bit of life experience under their belt.

What I don't like is this ideological forced on vulnerable youngesters by people with sinister motives, when they are too young to know anything.

In my day it was take that or bross and dying your hair too blonde with sun in.

It's the latest social contagion for insecure, naval gazing individuals desperately in need of being ' special '

@Carlycat .
That article is so incredibly important and not just for this issue but so many things like it.

It should be taught in schools.

If everyone just accepted their child and went along with what they wanted there would be no chaos. The chaos and hurt is caused by people being narrow minded and pushing back against their child - ie the MIL in this situation.

Why should everyone just accept it? WTAF are you on about??

If your child stated that they were Royalty and you had to call them 'Your Majesty' would you insist that everyone goes along with it? Would you avoid their 'hurt' and curtsy to them 'cos you kind and not narrow-minded?

Or is this somehow 'different' according to The Magical Thinking Rules?

Absolutely this

I think the best thing you can do for you child is use the pronouns he wants to use yourself but manage his expectations that others around him won’t always do so.

If your MiL wasn’t using them you shouldn’t have drawn attention to it directly, merely answered by using the preferred one. You can’t impose language changes on anyone else. Many languages are built around having masculine/feminine forms. Christmas Day over the dinner table is not the place to be starting arguments about it.

OMG I can't believe the number of posts by bigots!

It was not opinion that OPs MIL spouted but discrimination and it's not acceptable in front of someone who is NB or in any polite society.

OP if this type of bigotry happens around me, I am very firm about it and if it continues, I too would make the air blue.

It always makes me laugh when people get upset about swearing - you do all realise tge only reason it's classed as swearing is because the French who had invaded wanted to force brits to stop using Anglo Saxon words.

Well done for telling her in no uncertain terms she is OOO. If her son doesn't have the balls to do it, that's his problem.

Your DC knows you're a warrior now ;)

.

I feel your post is a disproportionate reaction, in view of what MagentaRocks actually said!