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AIBU?

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Original poster

For my arguing with my MIL on Christmas Day?

259 replies

MamaCathy73 · 30/12/2022 19:40

Hi everyone,

My DC came out as non-binary last year and now asks that they be referred to by they/them pronouns. I do not think this is a big deal, and so I happily oblige even if I do not fully understand. My MIL is a strong Christian, and despite knowing that DC does not want to be referred to as he/him, does it anyway. She often says things like "gender is what's in your pants, not your brain", amongst other clichés. On Christmas Day, she was particularly bad, and she was clearly going out of her way to invalidate DC's gender identity as much as possible. After I corrected her (because DC was visibly uncomfortable), she began to rant about how much he hates Stonewall and this "transing" business right in front of them. This did not sit right with me at all, so I got very angry with her (lots of expletives). Anyway, DH did not like how I reacted, saying that I ruined Christmas, and that I shouldn't have spoken to his mother like that. I see his point, but I am upset that he didn't want to defend our child from MIL.

Interested to know how others would have reacted in that situation.

OP posts:
Burgoo · 30/12/2022 19:51

It sounds like both of you were acting childishly here. The moment you start using expletives you are onto a loser. I'd have politely asked her to either respect your house/views or leave. Or if you were at hers, said you would leave if it continued.

I am curious what your child made of the whole thing? They are going to have to come to terms with the fact a HUGE percentage of the population think non-binary is ludicrous (I don't, I have a NB family member and it doesn't impact me either way). They are going to have to get a tough skin to survive in this world of rather unpleasant people. At the same time, your in-law's behaviour wasn't ok and I'd be having a very assertive conversation with her in the future.

My number 1 rule is not to tolerate being degraded, disrespected or badly treated by any other person. Always put in a consequence for poor behaviour, regardless of the person's age.

Ilikewinter · 30/12/2022 19:51

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Wow.

NoelleSnowman · 30/12/2022 19:51

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Anti-feminist too, then?

TidyDancer · 30/12/2022 19:52

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Well aren't you the little charmer.

Reported.

Womencanlift · 30/12/2022 19:53

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And in one post you have completely lost your argument

post reported

Looneytune253 · 30/12/2022 19:53

Your poor DC YANBU at all. All those on here who are telling the op she is being unreasonable is shocking. I understand people have their own opinions but if OP wants to completely accept their dc for who they are (and be a supportive parent) it's no one else's business. Poor child that their own grandparent can't support them. OP well done for standing up for your child, they will remember your support.

AChristmasCaro · 30/12/2022 19:53

FuntCase · 30/12/2022 19:48

Your MiL will fit right in on here.

In reality people don’t deliberately do something to cause offence especially to the people they love. Whatever your stance on trans rights / women’s rights, if you set out to do this you’re a bellend.

Exactly right.

Rinatinabina · 30/12/2022 19:53

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You are definitely a bloke

frylite · 30/12/2022 19:54

What age is your child?

MagentaRocks · 30/12/2022 19:55

I don’t ‘get’ the non binary thing but I won’t as never felt that way. Doesn’t mean people shouldn’t have the right to feel how they do about who they are. Your MIL was wrong to goad your DC, and I don’t blame you for being a bit over the top to protect your child.

Chickenwing2 · 30/12/2022 19:55

You did the right thing, you're human and it must have been difficult to hear your MIL be so rude & horrible to your child. Sorry your DH isn't being supportive. Stand by your guns and don't apologise!

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 30/12/2022 19:55

Your MiL is right, but Christmas Day was not the place or time to talk about it.

she was wrong to start the discussion.
you were wrong to swear at her.

Notimeforaname · 30/12/2022 19:56

You cant force people to use words youd prefer.

Bananarama21 · 30/12/2022 19:57

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Flapjack637 · 30/12/2022 19:57

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Beamur · 30/12/2022 19:57

Regardless of where you stand on pronouns, etc, your MIL was rude and combative in a way I wouldn't tolerate in my home or towards my children either.

Hotsweatymomspagetti · 30/12/2022 19:57

SSDDagain88 · 30/12/2022 19:47

Surely she is allowed her opinion on things like this as much as you and you DC and just because you don’t agree doesn’t make her opinion any less wrong

@SSDDagain88 what if he was gay and the MIL was saying she didn’t believe in people being gay? Is she also allowed that opinion and to voice it?

imalreadygone · 30/12/2022 19:57

Who's house was it. If it was theirs I would have just taken my child and walked out. Christmas day is not the time or place for such discussions

Couldyounot · 30/12/2022 19:57

The MIL can have whatever opinions she likes but also needs to remember that she is in someone else's fucking house. Plus, isn't it funny how strong Christians so often conveniently ignore the bits about tolerance and not judging other people 🤔

Travis1 · 30/12/2022 19:58

Oh do fuck off.

Yanbu @MamaCathy73 and if your husband is not taking issue with his mothers behaviour then you have bigger problems

cadburyegg · 30/12/2022 19:58

YANBU op but you won't get a reasonable range of replies on mumsnet.

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 30/12/2022 19:58

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Nasty.
Really nasty.
Crawl back into your hole until you have learned some compassion

yummymummyreturns · 30/12/2022 19:58

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This.

Legallypinkish · 30/12/2022 19:58

Well she’s right but maybe her timing was wrong.

thunderstruckk · 30/12/2022 19:59

I'm way more on your MILs side with this one - in my eyes, your DC can think whatever they want about their non-binary-ness but I don't need to conform to any sort of validating terminology. It's wrong for her to try and make a huge point of it on Christmas Day, but it's also wrong for you to start getting very angry and swearing and escalating a situation.

I think your DC should be of the mindset that they can believe what they want about themselves and what they view themselves as (a they not a she or whatever they want) but they can't force others to comply with their way of thinking, and shouldn't expect them too imo. That way, if someone like your MIL uses the wrong pronouns for what they think they want to have people use, they'll not be bothered and realise that it's a non issue rather than getting distressed.