For my arguing with my MIL on Christmas Day?

[MamaCathy73]

Hi everyone,

My DC came out as non-binary last year and now asks that they be referred to by they/them pronouns. I do not think this is a big deal, and so I happily oblige even if I do not fully understand. My MIL is a strong Christian, and despite knowing that DC does not want to be referred to as he/him, does it anyway. She often says things like "gender is what's in your pants, not your brain", amongst other clichés. On Christmas Day, she was particularly bad, and she was clearly going out of her way to invalidate DC's gender identity as much as possible. After I corrected her (because DC was visibly uncomfortable), she began to rant about how much he hates Stonewall and this "transing" business right in front of them. This did not sit right with me at all, so I got very angry with her (lots of expletives). Anyway, DH did not like how I reacted, saying that I ruined Christmas, and that I shouldn't have spoken to his mother like that. I see his point, but I am upset that he didn't want to defend our child from MIL.

Interested to know how others would have reacted in that situation.

I think you were in the wrong to get aggressive with your MIL. It's quite honestly ridiculous that you even thought of asking her to use different pronouns for your child. She wasn't being cruel in refusing to go along with it. Your child's interpretation of not using preferred pronouns as an attack is the problem here, and as a parent this needs addressing.
As others have said up thread, your child can think of themselves as they wish, but it is so mightily arrogant to think that they have the right to control how others view them, especially when it is expecting people to see black as white.
I might wish to consider myself a reincarnation of an Egyptian goddess, but it's hardly surprising if the rest of the world doesn't. If I feel aggrieved by this, then that's my own problem to deal with .

Oh I forgot:

DH siding with MIL ✅

She sounds like a nasty old bigot and she should have better manners when she's a guest in someone else's house. Swearing at her was less than ideal, but I can understand your anger at her refusal to respect your family and upsetting your DC.

An apology would need to be forthcoming before she'd be welcome over my threshold again. But then my SIL and her husband have never been invited here, because he's a goady, racist, sexist fucker, and I won't have that shit inflicted me in my home.

I agree that it’s right to stick up for dc but wrong to swear.
I would be really cross with MIL in this situation for deliberately provoking DC and not respecting their wishes, she could disagree with them but still stay respectful and loving. I wouldn’t swear or shout but I would response politely along the lines “shut up or leave”.

Well done for sticking up for your dc op.

I wouldn't have reacted this way. My in laws are of a different generation and just don't have the emotional literacy to talk about issues like this in a constructive way. It is unreasonable to expect others to do what you demand. It is not unreasonable to remind your child that people are entitled to their own view and they can choose to either ignore or absorb.

There are different views on gender and it is unreasonable to demand someone use pronouns. We would like to think family would respect us enough to do so, but in reality we can't demand this.
You might be better to spend time supporting your child than trying to force your MIL to support them.

Affirming what?
Gender critical? Logical. Kids are born male or female. Two gametes only I'm afraid and if that's transphobic or whatever that's fine but it's fact.

Yes, this most definitely happened and has not been made up to generate froth.

Love this. Absolutely spot on .

And today, another thing that never happened

For sure. This totally happened.

This is totally not a trans activist who thinks that bringing in a MIL argument fillls the mumsnet bingo card.

and all their trans activity comrades ready with their comments. (Use of their as in this case sex unknown)

OP you’ve TOTALLY convinced me. Children should get to decide what sex there are. I will let me ten year old daughter the good news that if she just says the magic word she can opt of puberty and getting her period.

I was just thinking that.

When my parents speak to my child they either use my child’s name or the pronoun YOU/YOUR which is gender neutral. The pronouns he/she are not usually used with the person present. I really don’t get it.

Your MIL is right and you were wrong to explode.

However saying that I would defend and protect my kids to high heavens, so I can totally see why you reacted like so.

Your MIL is correct of course. NB is the worst of the whole gender woo rubbish - it's not even trying to 'switch teams', just make believing that you can float around as some middle ground, sex-less being because you're oh so much more speshul and different than all the normies. It's total bollocks and we all know it.

However your MIL was rude if it was her that kept bringing it up - Christmas Day is not the time. You were equally rude and could have been a grown up and shut her down without shouting and swearing at her.

Both you and MIL were out of order.

This is a rehash of a person complaining on Reddit about their family misgendering them all holiday season isn't it? Just for the screenshots of what mumsnetters would do.

It's the new punk rock or whatever rebellious thing was in favour in the past.

I know not ONE person in my circle/work/friend group/in laws/outlaws/family who has professed to be non binary.

There is a herd mentality in all this. It is being promoted at every turn and there is no escape.

What I don't understand is why certain people have to say they are non binary? Who cares. I don't tell anyone I'm female. Somewhat attention seeking is my view anyway, but I can see it from mother's POV. However if child is old enough to feel/know they are non binary surely they can respond to comments like MIL's themselves.

I don't agree with all this binary bollox however I think Christmas Day is not the place / time for an argument. You were both in the wrong .

I absolutely do not blame you this is your child who has done a very brave thing of course you would defend them. Personally I would not have been able to stay there and listen to your MIL and her unkind observations. Yes she is entitled to her opinion but what was she thinking!! This is her grandchild and at Christmas which is such an emotive time anyway. I think you were very restrained and I totally agree with you for defending your child from abuse just for being themselves.

Sorry op you’re having a hard time in this forum. Many posters don’t like anything that is not men women and this unluckily think they’ve got the right to dictate what others should feel about themselves right. Your body your opinion isnt allowed when you feel trans / non binary etc.

you we’re not the one that ruined Xmas day. It was your mil talking about your child without respecting your child’s feelings.

Seriously mumsnet, I got a post deleted for “numpty”……

Family get-togethers are traditional times for inappropriately political arguments.
I agree with your Mother-in-law on the issue concerned, but I think the argument could have been avoided completely by agreeing not to discuss it there and then.
Are you sure you weren't just pitching in with your opinion too and getting annoyed that she wouldn't go along with it?

I think you did a pretty shit job of promoting freedom of opinion. It could have been a great teaching moment for your child about how to deal with someone challenging their beliefs and values…which is absolutely part of life! Instead they saw you shouting and swearing at those who disagree with how YOU see things.

I think you should always stick up for your dc (unless they’d actually doing something wrong). I don’t think your MIL should have being saying things deliberately to make them uncomfortable in their own home and spoiling for a fight on Christmas Day.

Same as if I went to someone’s house that was, say, a Tory, and I didn’t agree with that, I wouldn’t bang on about it all day.

Where did you go, OP?