For my arguing with my MIL on Christmas Day?

[MamaCathy73]

Hi everyone,

My DC came out as non-binary last year and now asks that they be referred to by they/them pronouns. I do not think this is a big deal, and so I happily oblige even if I do not fully understand. My MIL is a strong Christian, and despite knowing that DC does not want to be referred to as he/him, does it anyway. She often says things like "gender is what's in your pants, not your brain", amongst other clichés. On Christmas Day, she was particularly bad, and she was clearly going out of her way to invalidate DC's gender identity as much as possible. After I corrected her (because DC was visibly uncomfortable), she began to rant about how much he hates Stonewall and this "transing" business right in front of them. This did not sit right with me at all, so I got very angry with her (lots of expletives). Anyway, DH did not like how I reacted, saying that I ruined Christmas, and that I shouldn't have spoken to his mother like that. I see his point, but I am upset that he didn't want to defend our child from MIL.

Interested to know how others would have reacted in that situation.

I’d have left with my child. With or without my husband

Gender identity is a load of navel-gazing tosh. Your MIL is right. Stop pandering. Your son is male and always will be.

Indeed. Mmmhmm.

Gender identity is a belief. You and your child are believers, your mil is not.

You all should respect each others beliefs, but I do think compelling mil to use pronouns that do not fit with her belief system is similar to asking her to say grace when she is not religious. Some people would do this to be polite, others would not.

For clarity, may I ask what she did to misgender your child. Surely no one calls your child 'him/he/they/them' when speaking to them? Surely you both use 'you' or their name? Is it really that she misgendered the child to you rather than in front of them? So not really affecting them unless you tell them?

Non binary doesn’t mean transitioning ffs

My eldest is also non-binary. It isn't something I fully understand but I respect their wishes because I love them and want them to be happy. I would go NC with anyone who made nasty comments in front of them like your MIL did in front of your child.

Well this is fun 😎

Your mil is out of line & I probably would have reacted in the same way to be honest - I'd like to have been nice & calm & just spoke as others have rightly suggested but Xmas is stressful & if this mil is behaving like a petulant child it would have made me want to tip the table up.
It's a shame that your DH didn't step in & talk to his DM, calm things down a bit, why didn't he?

I this now I would try to speak with mil apologise if you feel you have over reacted a bit, explain why & don't let her off the hook just because you might have an apology to make, but used this as an opportunity to draw boundaries, make it known that this kind of talk in front of your DD isn't acceptable & she needs to understand this.

I'd have told her to shut up or leave.

I think my hair is cool. Other people might not. They can fuck off and be quiet, or they can go. If your opinion isn't asked for and isn't needed keep it to yourself.

Well firstly you are wrong. Plenty of nb girls have their breasts removed.

And secondly it's the ideology that leads to those things.
FFS.

Nope.

Most people offline think gender identity is bollocks.

You were right to stick up for dc, but wrong to swear.

I’d apologise for swearing but state that you don’t apologise for sticking up for dc.

Wow. Quitting a marriage over that. Wow. Not everyone divorces over something their mother in law says or does.

You should be asking who brainwashed your child…

I don't understand this either.

Perhaps in the circles you mix in. Not in mine. And I doubt even in your circles that people would be so rude as to specifically refer to someone in a way they asked not to be referred to.

Not all opinions need voicing. Especially if they’re going to insult and invalidate a young person.

I don’t see why the MIL would voice her opinions when she probably knew damn right it was cause upset.

I agree about the credibility.

Christian ✅
Christmas Day drama ✅

Wind them up and watch them go.

Anyway, DH did not like how I reacted, saying that I ruined Christmas, and that I shouldn't have spoken to his mother like that. I see his point, but I am upset that he didn't want to defend our child from MIL.

You didn't ruin Christmas, your MIL did.

Perhaps apologise for the swearing, but that's it. MIL needs to apologise to your DS for the hurtful comments she made.

Your DH needs to pull his head from his mother's arse and see the damage she is doing to your child before it's too late. Because by making out it's you in the wrong, he's implying his mother is correct.

Bravo. Could you imagine the consequences if you were to have gone along and encouraged this?

I know it is a difficult situation and hard to work out what is the right thing to do but I just cannot understand parents who just accept without giving it time, research, conversations etc. So, so damaging.

Anyway, well done you and your family.

Not sure why you quoted me. I didn’t mention ‘be kind’ in my post. I don’t need to look anything up thanks. I have my own views on this topic which I don’t think are relevant but they probably aren’t that different to yours. However, the MIL should not be goading a child and not letting it go. People are people and no matter what I think about non binary, trans etc I think a mother is not wrong to defend her child.

@MamaCathy73
I’m with Helen Mirren, I wished I’d started telling people to Fuck off at a much younger age.
I would be considered gc but nobody would get away with being unkind to my dc over something that is frankly none of their business.
And if mil was in your home she should mind her manners.
And your dh needs to support his wife and dc first.

'She often says things like "gender is what's in your pants, not your brain", amongst other clichés'
If you think the above is a cliché then you are part of the bigger problem.