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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Golf holiday after baby is born

196 replies

Scaryfuryanimal · 29/12/2022 23:42

We are expecting our second baby in 6 weeks time with our first is just over 18 months old. 6 weeks after our baby is due my husband has a planned golf week away abroad with his friends which was booked before we found out we were pregnant. Instead of cancelling he is still planning on going and avoids talking about it just saying I will be fine and will cope while he is away. I don’t have much family support and when he has been of numerous golf weekends, stag doos and long weekends with the lads in the last 18 months I have felt easily overwhelmed which is exasperated by the fact our toddler doesn’t sleep. I want to ask him not to go but at the same time feel bad stopping him but I know I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and toddler for such a long period just so he can have a jolly with the boys. He doesn’t see it from my perspective or part of me thinks he doesn’t care and worries more on missing out. My fiends are perplexed on why he is still going and can’t just wait for the next uk golf break away in the UK which would be a few months later I presume. I know it’s important for people to have there own time but I feel his looking at his needs before mine and the kids and the fact I could still be establishing feeding and recovering. Should I put my foot down which isn’t really me but if he goes I know I might loose the plot a bit.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 29/12/2022 23:44

I'd put my foot down, but honestly the fact that he's even considering going would kill any love or respect I had for him.

Nepoyeah · 29/12/2022 23:44

Just say ‘you should totally go hon, after all it will be a long old stint for you the month after when I’m away in Ibiza for the week’.

if he tries to brazen it out, book the week in Ibiza.

Nepoyeah · 29/12/2022 23:45

MolliciousIntent · 29/12/2022 23:44

I'd put my foot down, but honestly the fact that he's even considering going would kill any love or respect I had for him.

But also this.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/12/2022 23:46

Does he encourage you to have weekends away? Is he fine with kids on his own?

I could understand more if the above statements are true but ultimately I think 6 weeks is too soon, babies can still be nocturnal then and if you have a toddler who doesn't sleep as well...I remember one memorable night when my husband was away, with a baby and a 2.5 year old, being woken up so often between the two of them who seemed to tag team, that I had two half an hour naps the whole night. And there is no lounging around recovering when you have a toddler. Plus you could still be physically recovering from birth.

But I think its shit that you've told him you're worried about it and he has just completely dismissed your concerns and said you'll be fine even though he has never been in that situation himself

Boringcookingquestion · 29/12/2022 23:49

Yeah, I’m sat feeding my newborn whilst my DH is settling our toddler who just woke up from a bad dream. No way would I be happy for him to piss off on holiday.

I think I’d lose a lot of respect if he even suggested going. Please stand up for yourself and tell him he is a selfish arse. You can’t disappear on a holiday when you have recently welcomed a new baby into the family.

FlirtyMelons · 29/12/2022 23:50

Its not ideal but we were in the same situation, DH had a stag do just after DS2 was born, TBH it was no big deal, having a 2nd baby was much easier than the 1st time round. I just made sure I was organised each day. He was gone Fri to Sun night so not too long. My mum was also only round the corner so if I had needed her then she could have come round.

However, it's just a random weekend away by the sounds of it so no reason he can't just go to the next one, it's not like it's a close friends stag or big birthday.

FlirtyMelons · 29/12/2022 23:52

Sorry that sounded really blasé, that was just how it worked out for us, I didn't know beforehand that it would be as ok as it was, DS2 was a very good sleeper and by 6 weeks was sleeping from 10/11pm to 5am so it wasn't awful.

I don't think in these circumstances anyone would think you are that unreasonable asking him not to go.

Tukmgru · 29/12/2022 23:52

Is he so dull he couldn’t think of anything more interesting for a week than golf?! Dear god.

Original poster
Scaryfuryanimal · 30/12/2022 00:01

Thank you for these responses I’ve never posted on here before. He does encourage me to go out and I do for meals but many of my friends have young kids so weekends away has yet to happen. I understand stags and important occasions and if this was the case I wouldn’t feel this way to the same degree. However the toddler wakes a few times a night and now doesn’t nap and can take 2 hours to go down so we work together at the moment but throw a baby in the mix seems daunting on my own for a week so early on. I am upset that this is still unresolved as I wouldn’t contemplate it so early on and wonder why he doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal and I feel a little lack of respect and disappointment in him as he is great most of the time. Just he hates missing out! But I think I just thought it was me being unreasonable.

OP posts:
StrawBeretMoose · 30/12/2022 00:03

I would be upset that he was so dismissive, does he even parent your existing child properly? My guess is no. Six weeks postpartum my DH and I would be having very serious words if he thought it were okay to leave me for a week with both children. Even for work I would not be thrilled but for golf he could absolutely do one. My DH is also a golfer and goes fairly regularly on golf trips abroad, but not with small DC.

EL8888 · 30/12/2022 00:03

No fucking chance. My husband jokingly suggested going to a 5 day festival 6 weeks after our twins are due. I told him to go for it and fill his boots but to not bother coming back!

Mariposista · 30/12/2022 00:11

Was in the same position (although not golf). I didn’t kick up a fuss, it’s not like he planned the trip knowingly to spite me. My mum was a single mum and had to do it all for 18 years, so a few days was not going to be a deal breaker.
I had a couple of quiet days, batch cooked, caught up on tv, went for walks, met a friend for a coffee. It was fine. And we planned a few days that I would go away child free with a friend later in the year.

Yousee · 30/12/2022 00:14

I've got an EBF 4 month old and a 3 year old with additional medical needs. When DH so much as goes out for a few hours at night, there is screaming. Alot of it. Two of them, one of me. Someone's having to wait to be fed or for cuddles or to be put to bed. Neither old enough to understand.
If he left me for a week I'd be tempted to do as PP did and tell him not to come back. I'd either cope fine without him and might as well continue coping without the shadow of knowing how low on his list of priorities I was, or it would be a disaster and the resentment would finish us off anyway.
You don't know what sort of birth you'll have or what sort of baby you will get. At some point he needs to realise that what his family needs is more important than what he wants or what's the point of him?

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/12/2022 00:18

He does know it's a big deal op, but if he doesn't discuss it then he can ignore it
He's put his fingers in his ears basically

BungleandGeorge · 30/12/2022 02:15

Can you get some help with the children? Is the eldest in nursery? Can he book a nanny or babysitter? If he’s paid already I’d try and look for solutions

FlairBand · 30/12/2022 02:31

It’s a bit inconvenient but you’ll cope, if you’re worried already you have a chance now to book some help for the week.

Bigger priority is setting expectations for future, what do you both need and what are you happy with. Eg how many weekends / weeks a year away is ok?? That’s the conversation I’d be having

Summer2424 · 30/12/2022 02:59

i would love it if my husband goes on a golf holiday with his friends, i say this because tbh i wouldn't get much help from him 😏

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2022 03:08

Summer2424 · 30/12/2022 02:59

i would love it if my husband goes on a golf holiday with his friends, i say this because tbh i wouldn't get much help from him 😏

Yes. Your horribly low standards and acceptance of an utter wanker, shouldn't really be the bar.

OP me and DH both go away, we both have time, we both holiday with friends. 6 weeks after the due date golfing holidays are the mark of an awful husband and father.

I could advise you to book a hotel (no friends, no excuse needed) 7 weeks after your due date for a week. But why? Once you're point scoring and playing games it's done. I'd have an actual conversation. "I need you, the baby and toddler need you. Do you actually want to be here during the hard times to support us? Do you actually want the work of being a good father? Do you care that I don't think I will be OK?"

I think you've probably glossed over the fact that he's a bit useless and sexist and self-absorbed. He probably won't change and you will need to decide if your decisions are something you can live with.

Ihadenough22 · 30/12/2022 03:09

You need to tell your husband that he needs to cop on and that he can't head off for a week's holiday when you have given birth 6 weeks before. As well as having a new born you also have a toddler to look after. You don't know what the next baby will be like and the toddler could be unhappy with the new arrival.
If you don't want to do the above you could do the following.
I would ring his mother, any of his aunt's and his sisters. Tell them what that he is planning to go off on a week's golf holiday 6 weeks after you give birth. Tell them as well that you also have toddler who is not sleeping. Tell them that since he refuses to listen to you about not going on this trip you hope they might be able to talk some sense into him.

The reality is that your going to have a toddler and a new born. It's a busy time for your family and it can be hard until the children get a bit older. I had friends who decided they were not going to weddings, social events and on holidays until child number 2 was a bit older.
It call bring an adult and a parent. I know if my male relatives told me this I tell them to cop on and they should not be going so soon after their wife gives birth especially when they have a toddler as well.

Alleycat1 · 30/12/2022 05:33

What if the baby is late or, heaven forfend, you have a difficult birth ? You would definitely need his support then. Would be still insist on going?

Christmasbaubleswithtinselon · 30/12/2022 06:08

Unless he’s willing to find the cost of a full time nanny for a week this is no way! My DH goes away for golf trips several times a year and I have my time too. He would never have done it with such a young baby. It’s in his power to change it, if he doesn’t do it without being asked, I’d have his bags packed when he gets back. What a d*ck.

PuttingDownRoots · 30/12/2022 06:10

DH works away a lot. (No complaints, I knew his job). He didn't even meet DD2 until she was 2 weeks old.

Its easy to say you'll cope... and you will, because we do out of necessity. But hes being disrespectful and ignorant. Its hard work. Babies and toddlers often have opposing needs. You can't catch up on sleep when one naps as the other is awake. At that stage toddler we still be adjusting to sharing mummy. You'll be mastering the feedi g with one hand while playing with the other, or cooking while rocking baby to sleep, or chasing after a bolting toddler while breastfeeding.

The only way I survived some weeks is cosleeping with both of them. (One each side)). Not ideal, but it meant I had some sleep.

If he insists on going... he will need to make sure the fridge is stocked with food that just needs heating quickly, laundry and cleaning up to date and taking on as much toddler care in the surrounding weeks because toddler will start missing him soon!

Sunset6 · 30/12/2022 06:22

If it was a weekend away that would be one thing, but a whole week away at that stage is totally taking the p, I think OP needs to put her foot down

girlmom21 · 30/12/2022 06:26

Just ask him.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 30/12/2022 06:39

He needs to grow up and be a responsible parent not an overgrown teenager who wants to hang with his mates.