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Original poster

Golf holiday after baby is born

196 replies

Scaryfuryanimal · 29/12/2022 23:42

We are expecting our second baby in 6 weeks time with our first is just over 18 months old. 6 weeks after our baby is due my husband has a planned golf week away abroad with his friends which was booked before we found out we were pregnant. Instead of cancelling he is still planning on going and avoids talking about it just saying I will be fine and will cope while he is away. I don’t have much family support and when he has been of numerous golf weekends, stag doos and long weekends with the lads in the last 18 months I have felt easily overwhelmed which is exasperated by the fact our toddler doesn’t sleep. I want to ask him not to go but at the same time feel bad stopping him but I know I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and toddler for such a long period just so he can have a jolly with the boys. He doesn’t see it from my perspective or part of me thinks he doesn’t care and worries more on missing out. My fiends are perplexed on why he is still going and can’t just wait for the next uk golf break away in the UK which would be a few months later I presume. I know it’s important for people to have there own time but I feel his looking at his needs before mine and the kids and the fact I could still be establishing feeding and recovering. Should I put my foot down which isn’t really me but if he goes I know I might loose the plot a bit.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 31/12/2022 14:49

"he has been of numerous golf weekends, stag doos and long weekends with the lads in the last 18 months"

You were unreasonable to put up with this, let alone get pregnant with another child. What made you think he would change? He's always been selfish and probably always will be.

My advice is to go away for a week, or for a long weekend at the very least - with a friend, your mum or sister, or by yourself. Go now before baby is here. Let him look after your toddler by himself throughout that time. Perhaps after that he'll feel differently about leaving you with the toddler and a newborn. If he doesn't, there is no hope and you should LTB.

Maireas · 31/12/2022 14:49

Mariposista · 30/12/2022 00:11

Was in the same position (although not golf). I didn’t kick up a fuss, it’s not like he planned the trip knowingly to spite me. My mum was a single mum and had to do it all for 18 years, so a few days was not going to be a deal breaker.
I had a couple of quiet days, batch cooked, caught up on tv, went for walks, met a friend for a coffee. It was fine. And we planned a few days that I would go away child free with a friend later in the year.

I'm impressed that you could do all that while looking after a toddler and a new born on your own!
(I've never managed to batch cook anyway...)

Hayliebells · 31/12/2022 14:53

YADNBU. Life after having a second baby can be so incredibly hard, but you know that because you're anxious that he's going away. I think you and your friends are right to be surprised that he's still going, I don't know any fathers who would do that. In fact I do, but they're arseholes, and they treat their partners badly in multiple ways. If you sat him down and explained how you feel, what do you think his response would be? Would be brush it off? Seems that way, as you have already tried to explain how hard you think it's will be, and he's still going. I'm guessing that you don't want to outright tell him not to go, but you shouldn't have to. I'm guessing he thinks he has to wait for that before seriously considering it, which is pretty shitty. I'm sorry OP, if he can't see how unfair this is, I think I'd be reassessing the relationship, which is awful when you're about to have a baby. If he does go, and you do stay together, at the very least you need to book a break for yourself, even if it's on your own.

Hayliebells · 31/12/2022 14:57

I've just re-read you post and the bit about him already having been away multiple times, but you haven't. LTB, he's a prick, he doesn't need another holiday on his own.

homeishere · 31/12/2022 15:02

Sadly you’re involved with one of those blokes. He is oblivious to your or your DCs’ needs and probably always will be. ‘It’s a woman’s job to look after the children’, ‘I work hard and deserve me time’ etc etc

Take the time he’s away to sort your finances out and see if you can survive on your own. I’m not saying you’ll leave him this time, but you will want to one day.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 15:02

homeishere · 31/12/2022 15:02

Sadly you’re involved with one of those blokes. He is oblivious to your or your DCs’ needs and probably always will be. ‘It’s a woman’s job to look after the children’, ‘I work hard and deserve me time’ etc etc

Take the time he’s away to sort your finances out and see if you can survive on your own. I’m not saying you’ll leave him this time, but you will want to one day.

He believes it’s a woman’s job so much so he has encouraged Op to go away herself multiple times?

weird take

RampantIvy · 31/12/2022 15:09

and when he has been of numerous golf weekends, stag doos and long weekends with the lads in the last 18 months

Why do some men plan two babies in two years and still behave like they are single with no responsibilities?

YANBU, and I would probably be pretty PA about it and make life very difficult for him striaght after the baby arrived and when he comes back from yet another jolly.

Hayliebells · 31/12/2022 15:09

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 14:40

Holidays usually aren’t on a need basis, but a wants basis.

People don’t have to give up on their wants when they become parents, thankfully. Maybe you didn’t get the memo

Show quote history

And what about what OP wants? DP may want to go on holiday for a week when he has a toddler and a newborn, but that doesn't mean it's reasonable. Most caring partners don't want to see their partner suffer, would recognise that child rearing is a shared endeavour, and they wouldn't be a prick by going away for a whole week when they've already had plenty of jollies away on their own. We don't get to behave however we want when we have children, because doing so impacts on others. If her DP can come up with a solution that doesn't involve leaving OP with a newborn and a toddler on her own for a week, he can crack on doing what he wants. But he hasn't, because he's a selfish prick, who just expects OP to facilitate his "wants", without question. You can't have what you want if the only way of getting what you want is to shit on your partner.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 15:11

Hayliebells · 31/12/2022 15:09

And what about what OP wants? DP may want to go on holiday for a week when he has a toddler and a newborn, but that doesn't mean it's reasonable. Most caring partners don't want to see their partner suffer, would recognise that child rearing is a shared endeavour, and they wouldn't be a prick by going away for a whole week when they've already had plenty of jollies away on their own. We don't get to behave however we want when we have children, because doing so impacts on others. If her DP can come up with a solution that doesn't involve leaving OP with a newborn and a toddler on her own for a week, he can crack on doing what he wants. But he hasn't, because he's a selfish prick, who just expects OP to facilitate his "wants", without question. You can't have what you want if the only way of getting what you want is to shit on your partner.

Show quote history

Never said it was reasonable, was replying to someone claiming him choosing to spend a week of annual leave not with the OP and her baby was selfish.

See it’s helpful to read the chain of comments before jumping in.

Alondra · 31/12/2022 15:14

You need to lose your plot, no a bit, but a lot.

You'll have a toddler and a newborn and your husband will disappear to play golf, leaving you coping with both without support. Why on earth are you allowing this? He's a father, he has commitments at home with you and his children - on what galaxy he thinks he can keep enjoying the life of a single man?

Pull up your "mom" pants and tell him you need him with you at home, and no, he can't go golfing. FFS

Hayliebells · 31/12/2022 15:15

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 15:02

He believes it’s a woman’s job so much so he has encouraged Op to go away herself multiple times?

weird take

Show quote history

I'm betting he wouldn't be so quick to encourage her if he thought OP would actually book those holidays and leave him on his own. Just a hunch I'm getting from his general vibe. OP should try that before the baby is born, even if it means going away on her own. If he facilitates that, if he puts zero obstacles in her way and looks after the toddler alone without complaint, then maybe she isn't in a relationship with a selfish prick. I'm guessing there'll be some reason why she can't go away though, and he won't try very hard to enable it to happen.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Verbena87 · 31/12/2022 15:23

I went 2 weeks overdue and had an awful birth, so by ‘6 weeks’ I was actually only 4 weeks out from giving birth, still had an open infected wound across my perineum which meant I couldn’t really lift/carry the baby for any distance or stand for too long so not much good trying to cook. Wasn’t reliably continent and still really weak from major blood loss. DH was pretty much still doing everything apart from making quick lunches while he was at work and breastfeeding. He’s being naive and thoughtless.

Hayliebells · 31/12/2022 15:23

Yes, his general vibe is that he's a selfish prick. He's already been away multiple times when they have an 18 month old, and he isn't listening to the OP when she's tried to explain how hard it will be for her when he goes away again. There's really very little in the OPs posts that suggest he isn't a selfish prick.

LongLostTeacher · 31/12/2022 15:32

I’m with Hayliebells. It’s very easy to encourage someone to do something you don’t really want them to do if you know they’ll never do it.

OP has said there have been “numerous” trips away over the past 18 months. The pressure of these numerous trips are coming to a head because there’s another baby on the way and OPs workload around the home is about to increase.

I think the H’s weekend away is doable, if he helped prep before hand and the OP had assurances that he would cancel last minute if there were any problems, e.g. illness of OP or either DC, birth injury issues, a period of horrendous sleep by the toddler etc.

But the fact is that it sounds like the H wants to enjoy frequent trips away from his family and does not consider the OPs feelings around this. There needs to be a discussion and boundaries set around this which likely involve compromise on both sides, ie OP accepts he goes away sometimes, he accepts it’s not as often as he wants and there needs to be correct conditions in place for him to go. The compromise should not be an offer of letting her go away too because that’s clearly not where she is at the moment.

Alondra · 31/12/2022 15:34

He’s being naive and thoughtless.

He's not naive, he's a selfish prick who doesn't give a damn about leaving his wife with a newborn and toddler without support, as long as he has his own fun.

DecafTeaPlease · 31/12/2022 15:34

If he wanted to cancel it would have happened in the months since you found out you were pregnant.

How do you think single parents cope every day? If everything goes to plan with due dates and labour then as far as looking after your children for a week goes, what is the worst that can happen?

rookiemere · 31/12/2022 15:50

But @DecafTeaPlease OP is not a single parent. She has a DH who is the DF of the toddler and the baby to be. Just because single parents have to manage on their own, doesn't mean OP should just shut up and get on with it because others do.

I do agree though, the time to put her foot down was months ago, bot now.

whynotwhatknot · 31/12/2022 17:00

why do posters always come out with but if yu were single

the op isnt single so its not relevant

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2022 17:30

DecafTeaPlease · 31/12/2022 15:34

If he wanted to cancel it would have happened in the months since you found out you were pregnant.

How do you think single parents cope every day? If everything goes to plan with due dates and labour then as far as looking after your children for a week goes, what is the worst that can happen?

PND, tongue tie, reflux, someone gets sick, everyone gets sick, the toddler acts out because there's a new baby, mastitis, That's off the top of my head.

DecafTeaPlease · 31/12/2022 17:59

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2022 17:30

PND, tongue tie, reflux, someone gets sick, everyone gets sick, the toddler acts out because there's a new baby, mastitis, That's off the top of my head.

Show quote history

With the exception of PND I see no reason for him not to go. Unpopular opinion apparently but that’s all it is, my opinion. OP will probably take comfort from those agreeing with her but whether her DH will listen to her point of view? Who knows but it doesn’t look promising.

cyclamenqueen · 31/12/2022 18:51

With the exception of being completely selfish I can see no reason for him to go .

Hayliebells · 31/12/2022 19:45

Yeah the OPs DP may well not listen to her. That doesn't mean the OP needs to just put up with the selfish prick.

LemonDrizzles · 31/12/2022 19:46

Or if he arranges a pre screened nanny for two whole days and a baby sitter for 3 nights, yes, it could be ok

hot2trotter · 31/12/2022 19:49

Well I was a single mother to a 2 year old boy already when I brought my newborn daughter home. No dad involvement whatsoever. I coped fine (first few nights were hard but we got into a routine). I did everything alone, everyday, but I knew I could do it. You will cope too if you have to. That being said, you shouldn't HAVE to, as you have a partner and father to the children. I think he is disgusting. And I'm afraid I would be laying down the law and saying if you go, despite me asking you not to, that's it for us. But my gut is telling me you won't say that, and you'll just back down. In which case, you'll have to dig deep and manage.