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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Golf holiday after baby is born

196 replies

Scaryfuryanimal · 29/12/2022 23:42

We are expecting our second baby in 6 weeks time with our first is just over 18 months old. 6 weeks after our baby is due my husband has a planned golf week away abroad with his friends which was booked before we found out we were pregnant. Instead of cancelling he is still planning on going and avoids talking about it just saying I will be fine and will cope while he is away. I don’t have much family support and when he has been of numerous golf weekends, stag doos and long weekends with the lads in the last 18 months I have felt easily overwhelmed which is exasperated by the fact our toddler doesn’t sleep. I want to ask him not to go but at the same time feel bad stopping him but I know I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and toddler for such a long period just so he can have a jolly with the boys. He doesn’t see it from my perspective or part of me thinks he doesn’t care and worries more on missing out. My fiends are perplexed on why he is still going and can’t just wait for the next uk golf break away in the UK which would be a few months later I presume. I know it’s important for people to have there own time but I feel his looking at his needs before mine and the kids and the fact I could still be establishing feeding and recovering. Should I put my foot down which isn’t really me but if he goes I know I might loose the plot a bit.

OP posts:
Daydreamer22 · 30/12/2022 06:42

On one hand it was booked before baby was expected. But it sounds like regularly does this kind of thing and weekends away? Surely he can miss one.

Funny how the men get to go away regularly regardless but the women in your friendship group just go for meals as they can’t leave their young children…..such an imbalance

Ponderingwindow · 30/12/2022 06:47

Any halfway decent father would have canceled without being asked. It’s far too early for him to want to be leaving a newborn himself for non-essential reasons. It’s completely unreasonable to expect you to struggle through just so he can have a holiday.

Thethingswedoforlove · 30/12/2022 06:53

It’s really really really not ok for him to even consider going. My dh went to a wedding many miles away when my dd2 was a few weeks old and dd1 was still 1. I still haven’t forgiven him and my dds are now 17 and 15. He now can’t believe he did it. It’s just unbelievably selfish and you need to stop him going.

Ylvamoon · 30/12/2022 06:58

How does the financial side look? Can he easily back out?
How often does he go abroad for lads holidays?
But in the end, you need to talk to him about how you feel about it. And find out where his priorities are.

Nosleepforthismum · 30/12/2022 07:00

He’s being a twat. Don’t let him go with some open ended promise of “I’ll do it for you if you want to go away with the girls”. Or tell him he can go but he has to take the toddler. That’s the only fair compromise I can see.

Christmasbaubleswithtinselon · 30/12/2022 07:01

This situation is very different to a partner who is away for work. Not the same at all.

Checkcheck12 · 30/12/2022 07:04

A week is way too long at 6 weeks... I would also expect it to be completely overwhelming. My proposal would be that either he doesn't go or you get a night nurse and/or babysitter for toddler. Simple. If your toddler and baby are dreamy then that's lovely, you can have a relaxing week, like your husband, and enjoy the help.

BoobsOnTheMoon · 30/12/2022 07:11

FlirtyMelons · 29/12/2022 23:52

Sorry that sounded really blasé, that was just how it worked out for us, I didn't know beforehand that it would be as ok as it was, DS2 was a very good sleeper and by 6 weeks was sleeping from 10/11pm to 5am so it wasn't awful.

I don't think in these circumstances anyone would think you are that unreasonable asking him not to go.

Are you saying your baby was 6 weeks old though? That's very very different to 6 days old! My second baby wasn't even born at that point Grin

BoobsOnTheMoon · 30/12/2022 07:13

Oh WTF how did I misread the OP so badly? <Gets another coffee>

Ignore me @FlirtyMelons I can't read at this time in the morning!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 30/12/2022 07:18

Alleycat1 · 30/12/2022 05:33

What if the baby is late or, heaven forfend, you have a difficult birth ? You would definitely need his support then. Would be still insist on going?

Yes, this. My second baby was nearly two weeks late. My first was very ill, and we were in hospital for three weeks after his life-saving surgery. And you will need to recover from the birth! He's fucking selfish, OP, he can postpone his trip for six months 🤷‍♀️

MusicstillonMTV · 30/12/2022 07:19

Scaryfuryanimal · 30/12/2022 00:01

Thank you for these responses I’ve never posted on here before. He does encourage me to go out and I do for meals but many of my friends have young kids so weekends away has yet to happen. I understand stags and important occasions and if this was the case I wouldn’t feel this way to the same degree. However the toddler wakes a few times a night and now doesn’t nap and can take 2 hours to go down so we work together at the moment but throw a baby in the mix seems daunting on my own for a week so early on. I am upset that this is still unresolved as I wouldn’t contemplate it so early on and wonder why he doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal and I feel a little lack of respect and disappointment in him as he is great most of the time. Just he hates missing out! But I think I just thought it was me being unreasonable.

You could still go away - I don't have many friends who want to do weekends away for different reasons (children, cost etc) but I go away sometimes on my own and more often I go and visit friends who live somewhere else - have a nice meal with them, stay in a nice hotel, enjoy a full night's sleep and lie in.

Try and get one in before the baby comes!

gogohmm · 30/12/2022 07:32

My exh went on a "business" trip 9 days after dd2 was born leaving me with an autistic toddler and newborn a continent away from my family! I coped to be honest, he worked 12 hour days anyway 6 days a week so in way I was used to it (no paternity leave in that country). What really annoyed me was that the trip turned out to be 50% conference and 50% skiing!

If it was booked prior fair enough but say no more

Roselilly36 · 30/12/2022 07:41

YANBU, we had a similar gap with our two boys, our second was the complete opposite of our first, there is no way I would have coped if DH went away. Tell him to cancel. Can’t believe he is even considering going, very selfish.

Simonjt · 30/12/2022 07:46

Who will be looking after you and the toddler for the week?

A night, day out etc is generally fine if everything is going okay, a week isn’t, not only is it a shitty thing to choose, why would any parent want to spend an entire week away from their six week old baby if they didn’t have to?

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 30/12/2022 07:49

It wouldn’t bother me personally but perhaps that’s because I’ve had a 14 month old and newborn when DH ha had to go away for weeks with his job. I am used to him going away so perhaps it clouds my judgment. What I would say is, ultimately you’ll be fine (unless of course God forbid baby is unwell or you have PND for example).

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 30/12/2022 07:51

And as PP said, get a weekend booked in at a hotel just for you before the baby comes. You deserve it! X

LolaSmiles · 30/12/2022 07:55

He's out of order, being selfish and is trying to set the pattern that even though you'll have two children he plans on going off on his jollies with his mates.

I'd struggle to respect a man who thinks it's fine to do this.

ImBlueDab · 30/12/2022 08:01

So because he's got a case of FOMO, he's happy leave his wife with a newborn and toddler. Tell him exactly what you've said in your op. It's not a special occasion, and it's likely you'll struggle to cope. It's ok to say you need help. This is his problem but yours

tenbob · 30/12/2022 08:07

I presume being able to do regular week-long golf holidays means you have a healthy income?

If he insists on going, I would point out that you will have to hire a night nanny to help you out while he is away, as well as get extra sessions from a cleaner for the day.

Night nannies are around £200 per night, which I’m guessing is less than the daily/nightly cost of green fees and hotels for his trip, so he doesn’t have a leg to stand on

Milkand2sugarsplease · 30/12/2022 08:52

He's not looking at it as an adult from your point of view because the child in him is desperate to go and be one of the boys.

I think you need to talk it out with him before baby arrives because after will just be a blur of feeding/changing and napping and you'll both be more tired too.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're unreasonable asking him not to go but then I don't think you should be in the position of having to ask him.

Either he's a selfish bugger and only thinks about himself or he's just not thought about how the dynamics will change when new one arrives and has forgotten the relentlessness of the newborn bit.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 30/12/2022 08:53

Oh, and book yourself a weekend break at a spa or something. Even if it's on your own, just go and recharge and leave him to parent for a night or two.

Aquarius1234 · 30/12/2022 09:07

I could never be with someone that goes on stag holidays for a start.

Grumpybutfunny · 30/12/2022 09:09

How about he sleeps trains the toddler before he goes. In all honesty I would let him go but book a spa weekend for myself for when he comes back. Could any family come and stay to help? What about insisting he buys a perfect prep for the bedroom before he goes to make life easier.

MolliciousIntent · 30/12/2022 09:09

Aquarius1234 · 30/12/2022 09:07

I could never be with someone that goes on stag holidays for a start.

What a bizarre stance. Don't you think it's important for people in relationships to maintain their friendships?

Jimboscott0115 · 30/12/2022 09:12

I think the issue may be slightly more than just this one weekend OP, you've suggested he has lots of golf weekends and stag does etc and let's be honest - we all probably have similar opinions on the types of blokes who do these breaks regularly - they haven't really grown up.

He's got two children, has he done anything to arrange support or similar for you during this break? Does he realise that their care is his responsibility as well as yours? I know the answer to that... He's living a lifestyle that means he gets to be one of the lads without accepting his responsibility fully. I've known load of blokes like that over the years - they don't change.

I'm a very typical man in many ways, and saying no was hard but I missed no end of stags and lads holidays when I had kids... Because I'd have rather gone away with them then get drunk with friends for a week (which is essentially what a golf holiday is, it's not much different from a stag).