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Original poster

Golf holiday after baby is born

196 replies

Scaryfuryanimal · 29/12/2022 23:42

We are expecting our second baby in 6 weeks time with our first is just over 18 months old. 6 weeks after our baby is due my husband has a planned golf week away abroad with his friends which was booked before we found out we were pregnant. Instead of cancelling he is still planning on going and avoids talking about it just saying I will be fine and will cope while he is away. I don’t have much family support and when he has been of numerous golf weekends, stag doos and long weekends with the lads in the last 18 months I have felt easily overwhelmed which is exasperated by the fact our toddler doesn’t sleep. I want to ask him not to go but at the same time feel bad stopping him but I know I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and toddler for such a long period just so he can have a jolly with the boys. He doesn’t see it from my perspective or part of me thinks he doesn’t care and worries more on missing out. My fiends are perplexed on why he is still going and can’t just wait for the next uk golf break away in the UK which would be a few months later I presume. I know it’s important for people to have there own time but I feel his looking at his needs before mine and the kids and the fact I could still be establishing feeding and recovering. Should I put my foot down which isn’t really me but if he goes I know I might loose the plot a bit.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/12/2022 13:28

Scaryfuryanimal · 30/12/2022 00:01

Thank you for these responses I’ve never posted on here before. He does encourage me to go out and I do for meals but many of my friends have young kids so weekends away has yet to happen. I understand stags and important occasions and if this was the case I wouldn’t feel this way to the same degree. However the toddler wakes a few times a night and now doesn’t nap and can take 2 hours to go down so we work together at the moment but throw a baby in the mix seems daunting on my own for a week so early on. I am upset that this is still unresolved as I wouldn’t contemplate it so early on and wonder why he doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal and I feel a little lack of respect and disappointment in him as he is great most of the time. Just he hates missing out! But I think I just thought it was me being unreasonable.

I don't understand these men that want to be away from their newborns. My DH and SiLs hated going back to work when they were so tiny. Let alone go away for a week!

whynotwhatknot · 31/12/2022 13:29

another man that carries on like hes childless-why do women put up with this

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2022 13:35

trampoline123 · 30/12/2022 14:26

How long is the golf trip for? Is your 18 month old in childcare in the days?

If it was just a weekend it wouldn't bother me, mine have a 15 month age gap and it wasn't bad at all really. You forget newborns don't do much just eat and sleep.

If you read the OP you'd see it's for a week.

And who knows when the baby will actually arrive or what the birth will be like?

piesforever · 31/12/2022 13:39

Horrible selfish man. Will he carry on like this, putting himself above you and the kids. Do not tolerate this at all.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2022 13:40

olivehater · 30/12/2022 17:18

Trying for more women don’t tend to go in girls holidays in the first few years of their kids life. I am planning my first girls holiday next year when my youngest is five. Men seem to think they can’t possibly have a few years off from these sorts of things.

The only way my friend managed it was to bring the baby with her! (The rest of the group were quite happy with that and we were at Centre Parcs so it worked)

Otherwise, no, it just gets left and left till the father feels he can cope on his own (if ever)

SpangleSparkle · 31/12/2022 13:42

Is he joking? Nope sorry mate you need to stay and support the new family which you have helped to create, how selfish.

User359472111111 · 31/12/2022 13:45

FlirtyMelons · 29/12/2022 23:50

Its not ideal but we were in the same situation, DH had a stag do just after DS2 was born, TBH it was no big deal, having a 2nd baby was much easier than the 1st time round. I just made sure I was organised each day. He was gone Fri to Sun night so not too long. My mum was also only round the corner so if I had needed her then she could have come round.

However, it's just a random weekend away by the sounds of it so no reason he can't just go to the next one, it's not like it's a close friends stag or big birthday.

It’s a week, not a weekend, and she doesn’t have help round the corner.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 13:47

So many mummy martyrs on here!

absolutely baffled by @olivehater claiming women don’t go on girls holidays for the first few years of their childrens lives. That might be the case for you but i and every other mother I know has ample time away from their family and do so from quite early on, I myself was at a hen do for 4 nights when DD was 4 months and it was great, I go on at least 2-3 trips with friends a year, as does DH.

FlirtyMelons · 31/12/2022 13:48

User359472111111 · 31/12/2022 13:45

It’s a week, not a weekend, and she doesn’t have help round the corner.

Show quote history

I already addressed that in another post!

CatJumperTwat · 31/12/2022 13:50

I'm shocked these golf bores manage to breed. My vagina would clamp shut.

StrawBeretMoose · 31/12/2022 13:58

@CleoandRalf it's hardly being a mummy martyr to not have weekends away.
I couldn't have done so at 4 months as I was breastfeeding, but I also didn't want to and that's fine. In my NCT group we had a mix of when people were happy to go away for overnights without the baby but for more than half of the mums that didn't happen until after the baby's first birthday. All good as long as the parents are happy and working as a team.

Waspsnbees · 31/12/2022 14:06

you would cope, but you shouldn't have to. your dh sounds awful tbh. my youngest is 7 and my dh would never suggest a lads' holiday for a full week. a stag weekend, maybe, but not a random weekend jolly and definitely not a full week!

Serenitymummy · 31/12/2022 14:07

With all the love in the world, you can fk right off mate. If you go, do not expect to come back to this house on your return, you selfish pr!ck.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 14:10

StrawBeretMoose · 31/12/2022 13:58

@CleoandRalf it's hardly being a mummy martyr to not have weekends away.
I couldn't have done so at 4 months as I was breastfeeding, but I also didn't want to and that's fine. In my NCT group we had a mix of when people were happy to go away for overnights without the baby but for more than half of the mums that didn't happen until after the baby's first birthday. All good as long as the parents are happy and working as a team.

It’s being a martyr for resenting others having what you could also have but chose not to.

Such as the OP has done.

It’s very odd parents on here make blanket statements that mothers ‘don’t’ go away until their children are older, simply poppycock

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2022 14:14

Give him a baby-sized doll/teddy to hold as the baby and then tell him to bath DD & put her to bed without putting it down.

Bedtimes tend to be worse cos you’re tired, toddler is tired & baby is trying to cluster feed.

Celloma · 31/12/2022 14:15

Of course you put your foot down. He needs to be there for his family

Goldbar · 31/12/2022 14:18

BungleandGeorge · 30/12/2022 02:15

Can you get some help with the children? Is the eldest in nursery? Can he book a nanny or babysitter? If he’s paid already I’d try and look for solutions

This. He didn't book the holiday to spite you (if he's constantly going away and not participating in family life, that's a different issue). But I'd ask what he's going to do to make it work for you. At the very least, he needs to book a babysitter for a few hours each afternoon he's away to help you out.

PennyRa · 31/12/2022 14:29

Make him take the toddler

cyclamenqueen · 31/12/2022 14:30

Don’t mince your words or talk in riddles or expect him to just get it .

tell him you are happy for him to go but you will not cope ( not might , will) and need the same amount of money that the trip cost for a mothers help for the week . You will have effectively two babies, two in nappies, two up in the night . It would be different if the youngest was 6 months but they could be only a month old .

be cold and matter of fact. In my experience a lot of men don’t get it until they are actually confronted with the reality and so it is likely that once he gets to the point of going and he has been living with it for a month or so he will get it , he just can’t imagine it now .

TiddlesTheTiger · 31/12/2022 14:31

You forget newborns don't do much just eat and sleep.

Speak for yourself.
That wasn't my experience, certainly by 6 weeks.
Not trying to scare the OP, just being factual .

Can you go away for at least a few days now, leaving DH to look after toddler?
Then ask how fine he'd be looking after a baby as well.

Despairingof · 31/12/2022 14:36

Why have you chosen to have a second child with someone so selfish? Even if you weren’t due the second, choosing to spend a week of limited annual leave with friends rather than you and is existing child tells you where you rank. An evening/ a weekend fine - he doesn’t need a week.

cyclamenqueen · 31/12/2022 14:36

My second screamed constantly for 6 months it seemed, he had reflux and a tongue tie. My eldest stood in the hall crying and asking me to make ds2 be quiet 🤫. It was hard very hard. Ds3 was a dream in comparison.

all babies are different , the OP also doesn’t know how her toddler will take to the new arrival.

best to play safe and get help, after all he’s getting a break, a golf holiday is hardly a necessity he would cope without it

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 14:40

Despairingof · 31/12/2022 14:36

Why have you chosen to have a second child with someone so selfish? Even if you weren’t due the second, choosing to spend a week of limited annual leave with friends rather than you and is existing child tells you where you rank. An evening/ a weekend fine - he doesn’t need a week.

Holidays usually aren’t on a need basis, but a wants basis.

People don’t have to give up on their wants when they become parents, thankfully. Maybe you didn’t get the memo

cyclamenqueen · 31/12/2022 14:46

People don’t have to give up on their wants when they become parents, thankfully. Maybe you didn’t get the memo

no but sometimes they have to make choices . ‘Wanting is not always a good enough reason for having’ presumably they chose to make a baby so that means they have a duty to that baby. Six weeks is too early to assume that you can just desert that responsibility when the life partner that presumably he also chose and who he loves ( presumably) feels unable to cope with doing her own job and his . He can go but needs to put cover in place .

Pianofar · 31/12/2022 14:48

Thethingswedoforlove · 30/12/2022 06:53

It’s really really really not ok for him to even consider going. My dh went to a wedding many miles away when my dd2 was a few weeks old and dd1 was still 1. I still haven’t forgiven him and my dds are now 17 and 15. He now can’t believe he did it. It’s just unbelievably selfish and you need to stop him going.

15 years later and you haven't forgiven him? Cripes.