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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Golf holiday after baby is born

196 replies

Scaryfuryanimal · 29/12/2022 23:42

We are expecting our second baby in 6 weeks time with our first is just over 18 months old. 6 weeks after our baby is due my husband has a planned golf week away abroad with his friends which was booked before we found out we were pregnant. Instead of cancelling he is still planning on going and avoids talking about it just saying I will be fine and will cope while he is away. I don’t have much family support and when he has been of numerous golf weekends, stag doos and long weekends with the lads in the last 18 months I have felt easily overwhelmed which is exasperated by the fact our toddler doesn’t sleep. I want to ask him not to go but at the same time feel bad stopping him but I know I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and toddler for such a long period just so he can have a jolly with the boys. He doesn’t see it from my perspective or part of me thinks he doesn’t care and worries more on missing out. My fiends are perplexed on why he is still going and can’t just wait for the next uk golf break away in the UK which would be a few months later I presume. I know it’s important for people to have there own time but I feel his looking at his needs before mine and the kids and the fact I could still be establishing feeding and recovering. Should I put my foot down which isn’t really me but if he goes I know I might loose the plot a bit.

OP posts:
vintagemom · 30/12/2022 09:15

He’s being really unreasonable by not even properly discussing it with you

BendingSpoons · 30/12/2022 09:23

There was another thread a few days ago with a poster asking about having children with a similar age gap. Many posters said they used as much nursery as they could afford because they found days with both of them very hard. He is expecting you to do a week. It's just not on.

Learningjapanese · 30/12/2022 09:25

MolliciousIntent · 30/12/2022 09:09

What a bizarre stance. Don't you think it's important for people in relationships to maintain their friendships?

Show quote history

I can see where you are both coming from.

My sibling goes on them and has a story or two to tell us about the strippers and strip clubs he went to at the stag dos, like it's in some way funny. Makes me want to be sick as he's married with kids. My DH doesn't go on them (he's too busy anyway and thinks they are seedy).

OP your partner has made a dick move by not cancelling and not listening to your concerns. Does he always brush you off? I was very ill after my second birth, hospital for first week and took me about another 4 weeks to feel ok with walking.

Make sure you get same amount of child free time. If it remains one sided. I'd be packing.

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 09:26

How much annual leave does he use up on these jollies? I would hope his mates might have a word with him and be surprised he is still going, unless they are all selfish idiots like him

Eilan50 · 30/12/2022 09:36

I would just tell him straight up you won't cope on your own for a week. Tell him if he really has to go then he'll need to organise help for you.
Put the ball firmly in his court to sort out.

SinnerBoy · 30/12/2022 09:57

He's a selfish tosser, who's had a good 9 months to try for a refund, or to sell it to someone else. You're quite right to be upset and angry.

3 weeks after my wife had our daughter, I went to work, 6 weeks on, 4 off, offshore in Angola. Neither of us was delighted, but I was on a 2 year contract and missing a rotation would have seen me lose the job.

A holiday with his pals is completely different. You can tell him from me that he needs to adjust his selfish attitude.

Bookworm20 · 30/12/2022 10:01

YANBU. he is being incredibly selfish. And he knows this because he is avoiding talking about it and just telling you that you'll cope.

The reality is he has no idea how you will cope. No idea how the birth will go, how easy or difficult the new baby will be, how your toddler will react, how tired you'll be.

But he is choosing to prioritise a week of bloody golf over all of that uncertainty.

You may well cope. But equally you may be exhausted and overwhelmed. He is willing to take that risk, all so he can go do his thing. And he'll be abroad, not even like its a few hours down the road where he can get back if you are really struggling.

The fact you even have to ask him to cancel the trip is shocking. It should have been automatic as soon as he realised when the baby was due.
He is prioritising himself and a week of golf over what should be his priority right now, which is his family. You. I'd be getting pretty pissy about that if I was you and I'd certainly be letting him know how hurtful that it, and how he is coming across.

SinnerBoy · 30/12/2022 10:05

Bookworm20

The fact you even have to ask him to cancel the trip is shocking. It should have been automatic as soon as he realised when the baby was due.

Exactly! Had it been me, I would have been trying to cancel and get a refund as soon as I found out.

FlirtyMelons · 30/12/2022 10:09

BoobsOnTheMoon · 30/12/2022 07:13

Oh WTF how did I misread the OP so badly? <Gets another coffee>

Ignore me @FlirtyMelons I can't read at this time in the morning!

haha, it's ok, I have just realised I thought it said a weekend trip, no way is a week away ok!

Rainbowqueeen · 30/12/2022 10:19

He is being completely selfish. A week is far too long.

He needs to cancel and the money he would have spent needs to be used for more support for you if he wants any other trips in the next year.

deeperthanallroses · 30/12/2022 10:25

No way would I be ok with this.
However the toddler wakes a few times a night and now doesn’t nap and can take 2 hours to go down so we work together at the moment but throw a baby in the mix seems daunting on my own for a week so early on.
Well, for the next week he does that solo I’d say. ‘If you think I can manage a weekend solo with toddler AND baby this will be a breeze, and I’m exhausted with the pregnancy so it will be a big help, I should have thought of this earlier. You will definitely be doing this when baby is born after all, good to practice! And then as soon as I can you will be doing both for a weekend at least while I go put my feet up somewhere, fair’s fair. ’ (you didn’t think of it because you are trying to be fair, and he is not so shift your mindset!)

Beaniebags · 30/12/2022 10:26

Was your firstborn relatively easy at that age?

Your second might not be and I would point that out.

Mine screamed from 3pm until 10pm from 2 weeks old. It lasted for weeks. Then months of having to stand up holding her to stop the fussing.

YANBU

rookiemere · 30/12/2022 10:34

It's utterly irrelevant how good a sleeper the baby might be, and the fact that some people are single parents.

The fact is any decent man would have had a discussion about this as soon as you were pregnant to decide- jointly- what you would do. In fact I'd go so far as to say it's already a bit of a liberty heading abroad for a week with one young DC, never mind adding a newborn to the mix.

DH and I do have independent breaks with our friends for our own hobbies, but when DS was young this was 2-3 nights max. A week is for a family holiday not a jolly with mates.

budgiegirl · 30/12/2022 10:51

Any halfway decent father would have canceled without being asked. It’s far too early for him to want to be leaving a newborn himself for non-essential reasons. It’s completely unreasonable to expect you to struggle through just so he can have a holiday

This.

It's incredibly selfish of him. Everyone needs hobbies, and time away, but not when you have a newborn. This shouldn't even be an issue, he should have just cancelled the holiday as soon as he knew about the pregnancy. It's not like you are saying he can never do this again, it's just that the timing is wrong.

There's no way in hell he'd accept this if it was the other way round - if you decided to go away for a week and leave him on his own with a toddler and a newborn (not that any new mum would do this).

I want to ask him not to go but at the same time feel bad stopping him but I know I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and toddler for such a long period just so he can have a jolly with the boys. He doesn’t see it from my perspective or part of me thinks he doesn’t care and worries more on missing out

Have you actually told him that you don't want him to go? It sounds from this that you haven't. Just tell it to him straight. He may be incredibly dense and thoughtless, and need it spelling out to him. If you asked have asked him not to go, and he still does, I would have a hard time getting over his selfishness.

CornflakeKerry · 30/12/2022 10:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MontyK · 30/12/2022 13:06

We missed a wedding a month after our son was born and I didn't want my husband to go on his own because I needed him! Post birth injuries, PND, issues with BF and feeling totally lost and overwhelmed, I just couldn't cope!

And that was only for 48 hours......

OP what if you don't have a straightforward birth? If you have injuries like I did, you'll need physical as well as emotional support. Essentially he will need to pick up all the slack and so he bloody well should!

Nobody is suggesting that he never has his 'me time' ever again - but really, 6 weeks post birth AND with a toddler. He shouldn't even be considering it. He's a selfish arse.

itsinsidelight · 30/12/2022 13:32

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I think it's a terrible idea if he goes. I get he doesn't want to miss out, but it will be hard for you to look after your toddler and your newborn alone.
A week is a long time in this situation.

You never know how you'll feel either.
When I had mine, my hormones were all over the place for weeks!
I know he will be gutted to miss the golf week but he will get another chance to go next year.

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 13:34

As long as he takes the 18mo with him, I'd be all for him going.

If not, he can forget it for about another 5 yrs.

Tryingformore1 · 30/12/2022 14:03

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 13:34

As long as he takes the 18mo with him, I'd be all for him going.

If not, he can forget it for about another 5 yrs.

Another 5 years?

did you never go away without the kids for that long?

Orangepolentacake · 30/12/2022 14:09

Completely not the point, I know, but golf is so fantastically boring, I really don’t understand what anyone see in it. Waste of good grass

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 14:11

Tryingformore1 · 30/12/2022 14:03

Another 5 years?

did you never go away without the kids for that long?

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No kids - not necessarily by choice.

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 14:13

Orangepolentacake · 30/12/2022 14:09

Completely not the point, I know, but golf is so fantastically boring, I really don’t understand what anyone see in it. Waste of good grass

I think the quote is "A good walk spoiled"

Tryingformore1 · 30/12/2022 14:16

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 14:11

No kids - not necessarily by choice.

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Then why comment on not going away for another 5 years when you have no basis for making such a statement?

weird

WinterFoxes · 30/12/2022 14:20

Tell him you will need support so either he stays or he funds a live in nanny who is prepared to do night duty as necessary for the week he is away. And for every stag do and weekend with the lads that he has, book soething for yourself, once the breastfeeding period is over, and leave him to cope. He will soon realise life's more fun with two adults looking after the kids.

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 14:21

Tryingformore1 · 30/12/2022 14:16

Then why comment on not going away for another 5 years when you have no basis for making such a statement?

weird

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Really?
You think that OPs Golfist DH can swan off for for years while she raises the kids?
NO
Joint kids = Joint responsibilities.

(Unless your name is Michelle and you used to get Granny to have your kids for a week twice a year while you fucked off on holiday)