Golf holiday after baby is born

[Scaryfuryanimal]

We are expecting our second baby in 6 weeks time with our first is just over 18 months old. 6 weeks after our baby is due my husband has a planned golf week away abroad with his friends which was booked before we found out we were pregnant. Instead of cancelling he is still planning on going and avoids talking about it just saying I will be fine and will cope while he is away. I don’t have much family support and when he has been of numerous golf weekends, stag doos and long weekends with the lads in the last 18 months I have felt easily overwhelmed which is exasperated by the fact our toddler doesn’t sleep. I want to ask him not to go but at the same time feel bad stopping him but I know I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and toddler for such a long period just so he can have a jolly with the boys. He doesn’t see it from my perspective or part of me thinks he doesn’t care and worries more on missing out. My fiends are perplexed on why he is still going and can’t just wait for the next uk golf break away in the UK which would be a few months later I presume. I know it’s important for people to have there own time but I feel his looking at his needs before mine and the kids and the fact I could still be establishing feeding and recovering. Should I put my foot down which isn’t really me but if he goes I know I might loose the plot a bit.

This personally wouldn't bother me, I'd hope he has a nice break and I'd look forward to a time that I'd be having a nice break too doing something else.

I don't think YABU but I don't think you should be angry at him or expect him to cancel either unless you have a difficult birth. It was prebooked so not done to spite you. Perhaps try and get him to help you prep the week before that way you can batch cook and get any jobs/errands for the week done in advance where you can. If your toddler is in nursery, maybe you could ask them for an extra day or two to help makes things a little easier too xx

So are you suggesting she ends her marriage over a golf trip? Well she’ll be responsible for the children by herself a lot more than one week.

Yep, If she's married to a selfish arsehole who doesn't consider her feelings, indeed I am. Reminds me of a friend who was married to a similarly selfish arsehole. She told me gleefully, just after they split, that she'd never had so much free time! When she actually had regular breaks without the kids, because her exDH was then forced to look after them on his own to actually see them, she was like a new woman. If you're married a prick who takes multiple holidays without his wife and children, regardless of his wife's feeling about that, you'd probably end up with more time to yourself after divorce. The OP can finally take those breaks her DH keeps encouraging (but likely does nothing to facilitate) her to take! Maybe not when her baby is a newborn, but when they're a bit older and the OP is stronger. When she's "got her ducks in a row" as MN is so fond of describing it, she can get rid of the prick.

But are you suggesting she remain married to someone who doesn't listen to her? Why would she want to do that?

Is the basis of all of your relationships your way or the highway? We have one side to this scenario, the OP has commented once and not returned, the trip was booked prior to conception. She doesn’t want him to go, does his opinion count for nothing in every aspect of their relationship or just this trip.

With a 6 week old and an 18 month old? Are you on glue?

oh you mean at some point in the future....yes of course, because any man who would think it's OK to leave his partner with a 6 month old and an 18 month old while he plays golf, overseas, (I love playing golf btw) is only going to get better as the years go on. Definitely going to make sure she gets time away while he looks after the kids in future. My glue coment is still relevant.

My mum had newborn twins and a two 1/2 year old and dad was away with the parachute regiment. She got on with it.
My sister in law had a newborn and a two year old when the 1st gulf war was happening and my brother was in the navy. Again she just got on with it. Neither were on glue.

Psychologically it must be different "getting on with it" when the father of your children has no choice and is away fighting for your country and not just a selfish little fucker who likes to wave a big stick around instead of be there for you and your children.

military families where I'm guessing there is a tradition of women just "getting on with it" while the men folk are off fighting and where no doubt there is a massive amount of support from the other wives all just getting on with it, where as the OP states she has little or no support.
And yes, there's a difference between being away doing your job and being away doing your hobby, in the sun then getting shit faced the rest of the day.

there's a difference between being away doing your job and being away doing your hobby

It's like me saying, "yeah DH I want to be a SAHM but I will be out of the house 8 hours a day pleasing myself because that's like work". Work and hobbies are in different places on the hierarchy of time.

Another example of a man who is willing to let his partner do the absolute leg work for a full week in order for him to have a good time.

A six WEEK old and a toddler?

You'll be on your knees op and he's willing to let you do it.

Because bluntly, him having a holiday is more important. That's the bottom line

A fucking holiday

He is a selfish prick.

He wouldn't be going. Or he would stay gone

I'd give him the silent treatment if he goes. It's incredibly selfish of him. I don't think it's something I could overlook.

Things have dramatically changed since he booked it. If ever there's a reason not to go, this is it. A 6 week old baby and an 18 month old. You'll have felt like you haven't stopped for breath at 6 weeks. He should be there to parent his newborn, his 18 month old and support you. It's disgraceful of him to leave you all to it.

Yes with a 6 week old and an 18 month old, just because I'd be fine with it and be ok coping for 1 week out of my life doesn't mean I'm on glue you nugget 🤣

talk about missing the bigger picture, you nugget 😂

What picture am I missing? I'd be ok with it, you wouldn't be. No need to suggest people are sniffing glue is there? Or are you 12 making daft comments? I understand in that case.

you would be OK with it. Have you ever done it? Looked after an infant and an under 2 when your partner is out of the country for a week?

I have, but not for a golf holiday. Point is doesn't matter, OP doesn't feel she can do it and that's all that matters. She has no other support and should feel like she can call upon the support of the other person who created their children , instead of just getting on with it.

Could a friend or family member come over to stay with you, even if it’s only for 3-4 nights? Could you go and stay with family?

Oh sorry I thought I was replying on a Mumsnet post in the AIBU section where the poster asked for advice on whether she should put her foot down or not, therefore looking for opinions on what other people think. I didnt spot the part where she said please only agree with theonlygirl.

And yes I have done this before, which is why I commented to say I'd be ok with it, because I was ok with it and would be again. At no point did I say the OP should be OK with it, did I? I said I'd be ok with it.

Does your husband even realise he's married with children?
He's acting like a single man.
So what else does he do on these "holidays"?
Are you sure he's not cheating on you?
Why are you such a doormat?
Get a backbone and tell him to shape up or ship out.
Good luck Girl xx

So what? The OP isn't them.

You know perfectly well what the issue is and are refusing to see it @DecafTeaPlease. Stop making these goady comments.

Your family knew perfectly well what they were getting into when they had babies with people in the forces. This is entirely different. The OP's husband is choosing to absolve his responsibilities by behaving like a single man. And also, everyone is different. Not everyone can "just get on with it". I bet you tell people with mental health issues to pull themselves together.

Just bog off with your unhelpful and unsupportive comments

Lots of women in relationships with men in the military end up looking after their young children on their own. They don’t all cope and marriages in the military breakdown at significantly higher rate than the average. Which suggests it’s not a great model even if many women do cope.

But the bigger point here is that these were men who, while their wives were bringing up their children singlehanded much of time, were off working, sometimes in awful situations. Whereas OP’s DH wants to leave his wife in a situation that will be hard for her that she isn’t at all confident about in order to go on a jolly. And not a once in a lifetime/special occasion jolly but a regular happening that there will be opportunity to do again when OP does feel better able to cope.

I’m not looking to goad anyone. I’m just saying that although the OP doubts her ability to cope with the trip she most likely will be able to. Her DH booked this trip before conception so it’s not like he’s just booked it up. They’ve had over six months to sort it out and he hasn’t changed his mind. I’m not denying he’s a knob just giving my opinion which happens to differ to the majority. I never realised responding to AIBU posts meant agree with everyone or bog off. And no, I have never told someone to pull themselves together but I am someone that looks for solutions rather than problems.