Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Golf holiday after baby is born

196 replies

Scaryfuryanimal · 29/12/2022 23:42

We are expecting our second baby in 6 weeks time with our first is just over 18 months old. 6 weeks after our baby is due my husband has a planned golf week away abroad with his friends which was booked before we found out we were pregnant. Instead of cancelling he is still planning on going and avoids talking about it just saying I will be fine and will cope while he is away. I don’t have much family support and when he has been of numerous golf weekends, stag doos and long weekends with the lads in the last 18 months I have felt easily overwhelmed which is exasperated by the fact our toddler doesn’t sleep. I want to ask him not to go but at the same time feel bad stopping him but I know I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and toddler for such a long period just so he can have a jolly with the boys. He doesn’t see it from my perspective or part of me thinks he doesn’t care and worries more on missing out. My fiends are perplexed on why he is still going and can’t just wait for the next uk golf break away in the UK which would be a few months later I presume. I know it’s important for people to have there own time but I feel his looking at his needs before mine and the kids and the fact I could still be establishing feeding and recovering. Should I put my foot down which isn’t really me but if he goes I know I might loose the plot a bit.

OP posts:
Tryingformore1 · 30/12/2022 14:23

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 14:21

Really?
You think that OPs Golfist DH can swan off for for years while she raises the kids?
NO
Joint kids = Joint responsibilities.

(Unless your name is Michelle and you used to get Granny to have your kids for a week twice a year while you fucked off on holiday)

Show quote history

Swan off? Enjoying a holiday?

The op has already made it clear her DH has said she should also go away leaving him with the kids, but she doesn’t.

You know many parents go for trips away with their friends and have a parent at home able to cope?

trampoline123 · 30/12/2022 14:26

How long is the golf trip for? Is your 18 month old in childcare in the days?

If it was just a weekend it wouldn't bother me, mine have a 15 month age gap and it wasn't bad at all really. You forget newborns don't do much just eat and sleep.

trampoline123 · 30/12/2022 14:27

Having said that though, if you don't feel comfortable with it then you need to say.

Jumbocoffee · 30/12/2022 14:41

What a peach! Has he asked you how you feel about him going?

Carlycat · 30/12/2022 14:44

He's behaving like a single bloke. Why the fuck did he get married?
Selfish twat

Tryingformore1 · 30/12/2022 14:51

Carlycat · 30/12/2022 14:44

He's behaving like a single bloke. Why the fuck did he get married?
Selfish twat

Do you say the same for the many women who go off on hen holidays or girls trips?

The OPs DH has said for her to go away herself before, he is hardly being unfair on that side

Aquarius1234 · 30/12/2022 15:59

Carlycat · 30/12/2022 14:44

He's behaving like a single bloke. Why the fuck did he get married?
Selfish twat

That's what I was thinking. I thought the priority was the child. Just like all these guys that can never miss a football match. Miss out on any family occasion just to watch football. And won't look after child if football is on..

Crunchymum · 30/12/2022 16:15

Another selfish man. Sigh!

It's a shame you have to "put your foot down" but I am afraid you are going to have to spell it out for the thicko.

Crunchymum · 30/12/2022 16:20

Tryingformore1 · 30/12/2022 14:51

Do you say the same for the many women who go off on hen holidays or girls trips?

The OPs DH has said for her to go away herself before, he is hardly being unfair on that side

Show quote history

He tells her to go away yes, knowing full bloody well she won't (she must have got pregnant with DC2 when he DC1 was less than 1 so has had very little chance to take any trips)

These men talk the talk, knowing that wifey at home isn't going to want to take them up on their very kind offer for a multitude of reasons. I know this is technically the DH fault BUT it often feels to me like men offer things to their partners knowing they won't be taken up.

FrancescaContini · 30/12/2022 16:20

I’d ram a golf club up his arse

Crunchymum · 30/12/2022 16:21

Typo in my post above, it should have read.

I know this isn't technically the DH fault

Cruisebabe1 · 30/12/2022 16:27

FrancescaContini · 30/12/2022 16:20

I’d ram a golf club up his arse

😂😂😂😂

Lcb123 · 30/12/2022 16:35

Wouldn’t bother me, as long as I have the equal amount of time for me to go away

GolfEchoRomeoTangoIndia · 30/12/2022 16:36

One baby with a bit of family support, maybe. Tiny baby and toddler with no family support: not a hope in hell. If you were proper-rich and could buy in a live-in temp nanny then maybe: still a bit of a dick move though.

Fireflygal · 30/12/2022 16:38

What is so depressing is that there is no peer pressure from his friends or family to correct his thinking on this. Such entitled thinking

Op might be ok but she doesn't know and he isn't suggesting he doesn't go IF new baby & toddler plus her own health isn't OK.

I suggest you say to him, it's currently planned but if after 4 weeks post birth you are not coping then he doesn't go. If he goes and you are struggling you will resent him. Resentment kills relationships.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2022 16:41

Lcb123 · 30/12/2022 16:35

Wouldn’t bother me, as long as I have the equal amount of time for me to go away

I always see this. So he goes away when baby is a few weeks. Do you really think a good mother would say, "OK he's had a week away, I will now have a week away from my tiny baby at 7 weeks"? I mean she can't if she's BFing anyway, which I did.

And would that be in the best interests of the children? Would if fuck. Only a shit parent does that.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/12/2022 16:46

Well the issue is that it is you who is pregnant and will be left holding the baby. There is clearly no "we" here.
I just wrote on another thread about how the mother was being seen as the default child care, and this is clearly happening to you too. If your H was being respectful, he would be acknowledging that the children are his responsibility too, and that if he wants to duck out of that responsibility for a a week he needs to at least ask if you are OK with taking on his share of the load, and coming up with ways to make it easier, eg arranging for paid help for the time he is away.
If he goes away for that week without covering his responsibilities then he is an arse who does not deserve you, OP. How does he think you will manage?
Meanwhile, I think you should take to your bed because you are pregnant and tired, and let him deal with the toddler, especially for the night wakes. If he finds that difficult, how can he expect you to be happy coping with 2 alone?

Perfect28 · 30/12/2022 16:49

18 month old doesn't nap? Moot point but that seems odd. Regarding the golf trip- absolutely not. He sounds like an arse

Bestcatmum · 30/12/2022 16:53

He isn't pregnant, you are. If he was pregnant he'd be far too knackered to go on a golfing weekend. Tell him he can't go to this one. It's much too soon after the baby is born and you,ll need help.
He's a right CF isn't he. I can tell you now I wouldn't stand for it.

olivehater · 30/12/2022 17:18

Trying for more women don’t tend to go in girls holidays in the first few years of their kids life. I am planning my first girls holiday next year when my youngest is five. Men seem to think they can’t possibly have a few years off from these sorts of things.

Jackiebrambles · 30/12/2022 17:22

This is unacceptable, what if you have to have a c section? you won't be able to lift your toddler at 6 weeks post op. But even if everything is straight forward you will still have a really young toddler, and a newborn. For him to leave for a week for golf is really not on. His friends must think he's a right twat, I wish they'd tell him!

amonsteronthehill · 30/12/2022 18:07

Pull out your calendar, sit down and write down all the days he has been off doing his activities/holidays/days out for the past 18 months.

The write down yours.

Point out the massive difference, because I imagine there is one. Ask him when you're going to get that kind of time/money to do it to yourself? Ask him if he's going to be happy alone with the DCs for an equal number of days while you're off having a lovely time weekend after weekend.

PercyPigInAWig · 31/12/2022 00:35

trampoline123 · 30/12/2022 14:26

How long is the golf trip for? Is your 18 month old in childcare in the days?

If it was just a weekend it wouldn't bother me, mine have a 15 month age gap and it wasn't bad at all really. You forget newborns don't do much just eat and sleep.

The golf trip is for a week.
At 6 weeks pp with DC1 I was on my knees with tiredness, not all newborns are easy. And to a PP who was surprised at an 18 month old not napping, I can assure you they do exist.

It's a bad combination, maybe DH can go on a future trip but I think he would be a massive twat to go on this one. In fact I already think he's a massive twat for considering it and pressuring OP.

londonmummy1966 · 31/12/2022 00:51

tell him that he needs to put his future golf budget to paying for an all singing all dancing maternity nurse to come and stay whilst he is away. I promise it will be a wonderful break for you too....

1983Louise · 31/12/2022 13:27

Just tell him you're happy for him to go as long as he takes your toddler with him as you can't manage both. Let's see how keen he is then. It's a shame he doesn't appreciate what he has, he sounds very selfish unfortunately for you.