To think my husband needs to contribute more?

[BorisJohnsonsBarbershop]

I work between 40-50hrs a week doing shifts, occasionally more if work are really short staffed, in a very stressful job as an A&E doctor. I have to work these hours as I earn quite a lot more than my husband and pay most of the bills, but I also do the majority of housework.

He works roughly 37.5hrs a week flexitime in an office job, does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights. He empties bins when they're overflowing, puts a load of laundry on when he runs out of clothes, and puts a load of dishes on when there's no clean ones left. He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning, and he doesn't mind if it's done or not anyway because it's "not important". If we argue, which is frequently at the moment, he calls me lazy and complains that I'm always grumpy. I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

AIBU to expect household jobs to be shared more equally? Or is he right and I'm just a moany cow?

You're not unreasonable at all.
It's not like you're wanting the house a certain way and then they getting annoyed DH won't do things your way/getting annoyed that he doesn't Hinch every week with right seasonal Zoflora.
You're just expecting him to pull his weight like an adult in the household.

“It’s your job”??!?!? Is he always a 1950’s misogynist?

I hope he treats you better in other areas of your life? Or are you expected to do all the child rearing as well as maid duties and a massively intense career?

Get a cleaner in. He's not going to change and if he's otherwise a good man then get a cleaner and save the fight.

Before I even opened your thread, I knew the answer would be of course YNBU.

That's doubly confirmed by what you've written.

Why does your dh think it's your job to do the cleaning?

Getting a cleaner in is a good idea, if he moans about that then tell him you will stop the cleaner after he starts cleaning.

Get a cleaner, you can afford it.
And weigh up whether or not your husband contributes enough to be worth keeping.

YAN at all U.
I’d lose my sh*t if he said to me the things he saying to you.
not to enable his behaviour but to lessen your load, hire a cleaner.
then consider whether what he’s actually communicating is that he doesn’t respect you, your time, your stressful job and basic hygiene standards.
It’s highly unattractive to have to clean a toilet after a disgusting grown man.

@SeenAndNot it's housework that is my job apparently, specifically jobs that he can't be bothered or doesn't enjoy doing. He can't No justify why it should be my job. No one looks forward to cleaning the loo but it's just something you have to do.

Your job to clean, do the housework is it?

Then, using the same tired old stereotypes, it is his job to be the main breadwinner.

He needs to think that through.

Then he needs to grow up and get off his arse and do some housework.

I’d get a divorce. That way you’re not having to clean up for him, and you’ll get a couple of nights off a week. And he doesn’t respect you, so really not worth staying married to. They get worse with age, not better.

Christ, what’s he got a solid gold cock? You pay for him and clean after him?

what caused you to enter into this agreement.

He is an arse. Cleaning and laundry should be 50:50

Obviously it's not your job to do the cleaning, but neither is it his. He doesn't care. Believe it. Get a cleaner. Outsource anything you can. Maybe he will care more when he sees family money going on cleaning. Or not, but you win either way and get a cleaner house and more time.

When you both work full time, everything is 50% equally whether that’s buying the school shoes, sorting out presents for parties, shopping, cooking, laundry and cleaning. Get a cleaner a day a week to tackle the cleaning and ironing. We have one a couple of days a week who is there for when the online food shop arrives, batch cooks for us and basically stops us from sinking.

If you love him in every other way just a get a cleaner. We are both also in the NHS and it has saved our sanity.

My DH always says, I clean so you could perform a PM on the kitchen table but don't even see the pile of washing until I run out of underwear. If it doesn't bother him then I don't see how you can force him (tho next time remind him it's his job to provide for the family and chuck your scrubs at him) to do it I'm afraid as it just doesn't bother some people......I say that as I'm shopping victoria secret sale for more underwear!

Remember to take time for yourself, I stopped saying yes to overtime when the house got on top of us. I see it as I would rather come home to a tidy house after a rubbish shift than work extra shifts so work is more tolerable but the house is a tip.

Wow. That's pretty shocking to read, OP. He's not even trying to hide how little he respects you. Have you asked him why he doesn't make more money? Not that it matters, you need to leave him.anyway!

Yuck. I don’t know how you could tolerate being with a man who refuses to do any normal cleaning and says it’s ‘your job.’ Even if he started cleaning up from tomorrow I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same knowing he sees you like that.

And the sooner the better. You want to reduce how much of your pension he’s entitled to…

How can he possibly justify saying it’s your job? You work all the hours and bring in the majority of the money. Clearly an ingrained misogyny going on there. I don’t suppose he’ll change his ways.

Divorce, cleaner or ideally both.

Sounds pretty fair to me. He’s doing all the childcare from pick-up through dinner to bedtime. He does some household chores while caring for them. His 37.5hrs/week job is likely because he’s picking up the child care which is enabling you to be an A&E doctor.

Youve not said what you do at all. You seem to be thinking he should do everything because you work a few hours more a week and make more money.

The "it's your job" thing is ridiculous of him.

But....I am reading this thinking it does sound like he does a fair bit no? And he also works full time. If he was to do all of those things above that you want him to.....what would you be doing apart from working? Do you want him to do all of it? That's no life for him. Surely 50/50 would be better?

Did you read the whole post?

You think a man who is 'good' would think, let alone say, that cleaning is always a woman's work? Because that's what this guy has said directly to OP...

I hope you just missed this bit rather than having such a low bar for men.

He empties bins when they're overflowing, puts a load of laundry on when he runs out of clothes, and puts a load of dishes on when there's no clean ones left. He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning.

Be prepared for him to argue he’s the primary carer for the kids though. That would be my concern here.

He sounds as though he doesn’t respect you or care about your feelings. Not sure if that can be fixed

I've considered the cleaner option, but I'm one of those people who would feel like they have to clean before the cleaner comes. Might be time to consider it again. Have also considered the divorce option, but we have three school age children and I don't want to upset their lives. I have a feeling this is a losing battle.

@Floweryflora that made me laugh, thank you!

@Grumpybutfunny it's a difficult balance.