To think my husband needs to contribute more?

[BorisJohnsonsBarbershop]

I work between 40-50hrs a week doing shifts, occasionally more if work are really short staffed, in a very stressful job as an A&E doctor. I have to work these hours as I earn quite a lot more than my husband and pay most of the bills, but I also do the majority of housework.

He works roughly 37.5hrs a week flexitime in an office job, does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights. He empties bins when they're overflowing, puts a load of laundry on when he runs out of clothes, and puts a load of dishes on when there's no clean ones left. He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning, and he doesn't mind if it's done or not anyway because it's "not important". If we argue, which is frequently at the moment, he calls me lazy and complains that I'm always grumpy. I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

AIBU to expect household jobs to be shared more equally? Or is he right and I'm just a moany cow?

Why is it automatically shocking that the cleaning is a woman's job? The cleaning is my job (I'm also the higher earner) his jobs include the dirty jobs such as cleaning out the bins, dog muck and skip runs. The Op partner is doing a lot of the childcare.

I do think a lot of it stems from the pressure NHS staff are under right now coming home to a filthy house after cleaning up vomit and slogging through the backlog isn't pleasant. When things were calmer coming home to jobs to do was a lot more tolerable.

OP don't clean before the cleaner comes we just put stuff away the night before (including putting/chucking stuff in the walk in cupboard of doom). What's your overtime situation? I worked out if I claim for the hours I do that I would normally just suck up the cleaner is paid for by the end of the month.

This is so depressing. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to live like this

Yanbu.

But regardless of this, in a situation where one parent is doing way over full time hours and the other is doing a full time job and the childcare, a cleaner is an obvious and good option.

I would get a cleaner to make your life easier, but I couldn't be with a man who thinks cleaning and any other menial job around the house is my responsibility simply because I am a woman. What a lazy, entitled, ignorant misogynistic your dh is. And to add insult to injury you are the main earner working longer hours! What an absolute dickhead he is !!!

Does your partner have any redeeming qualities? They sound horrid!

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

I would think on your combined salaries, you could afford a cleaner. As both of you are working full time there's not much time left for housework.

Seriously in your position I would be considering the divorce before the cleaner! A once a week cleaner doesn't mean the toilet doesn't need sorting once a week.

So if I'm out of the house working for 16hrs, and he's at home not working on a Saturday with three school aged children, it's reasonable for him to leave dried yoghurt smeared on the table, crumbs all over the floor and worktops, dishes in the sink, etc? And be playing video games when I get home? I wouldn't think it was reasonable if our roles were reversed. I'm just so frustrated at having to clean up after another adult.

@Onnabugeisha

I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

Not sure if you saw this.

Anyone who expects a 'partner' to literally clean up their shit and wee, rather than cleaning it up themselves if they make a mess of the loo, holds them in contempt.

It's a disgusting thing to expect of a partner if you're physically capable of cleaning up after yourself, and I cannot imagine holding someone in such contempt it would even cross my mind to do so.

Complete entitlement, whether a man or woman. Indicative of someone who fundamentally doesn't respect their 'partner'.

Have you asked him to articulate why it's specifically YOUR job to clean HIS OWN shit off the toilet?

Well if he wants the traditional setup with you doing housework, he can't expect you to pay most of the bills as well. I'd get rid and consider a gigolo who can cook and a cleaner. Presumably he knew about your hours before you got married and had children.

Yes, he said that cleaning bathrooms is my job, and that it doesn't matter if it has shit on it, it's a toilet.

Agree you should have a cleaner if you’re both working full time and can afford it. My mum always had a cleaner if they were both full time! Not at all unreasonable. His remarks however, are totally unreasonable. Make sure you split bills ‘equally’ and he financially contributes. He sounds like a bit of a lazy pig to be honest! Can you live with it long term? That’s the Q in my opinion.. X

Well if he wants to go all 1950s, that cleaning is for women, I'd be reminding him that surely then he should be the breadwinner & highest earner, can't be misogynist in one way & not in another eh.

Can you afford to have a cleaner? That would help, wouldn't it?

I'm pretty certain I've never heard that the tablet Moses brought down from the mount had enscribed upon it, 'and the woman willeth clean unto the shit upon the toilet, for that is, and evermore shall be, the woman's job'.

He's not just shitting out his arse, he's talking out it too.

The general consensus seems to be that I need to hire a cleaner. Off to investigate this!

I agree on the respect issue, but it sounds like both of them don’t respect each other tbh. I can well imagine with two adults working FT and 3 young DC that there are not enough hours in the day. I would be upset if I worked all day, did the school runs, the homework, the dinners, the bedtimes, and did household chores inbetween to then be asked why didn’t you Hoover, why haven’t you cleaned the bathrooms why haven’t you put away the laundry by my also working FT partner, I’d probably snap too and say “that’s your job” simply because my plate is already full. It would have nothing to do with the sex of my partner tbf.

theyre both stretched thin and a cleaner is something an A&E doctor can well afford.

Mmmm, and I'm pretty certain finding and organising the cleaner will be 'your job' too. Of course.

Have you asked him to lay out what are his jobs, and on what basis they are his jobs?
And for you to lay out what he is stating are your jobs, and on what basis?

Could be a conversation worth having. If nothing else, to determine whether the relationship is worth having. . .

I think with your updates, I would be thinking of divorce not cleaner.

Have a peek at some SAHM threads. If you haven’t been home alone caring for three young DC all day you will have no idea the amount of chaos they can create and a bit of smeared yogurt & crumbs plus dishes in the sink is actually quite mild.

Ye god's!

The thing with chucking a cleaner at this to sort it out is that it will create more work. What's going to happen if the house is in a state when you're on a run of long shifts? Your plank of a husband isn't going to tidy up for the cleaner so they won't be able to clean. You can't leave shit everywhere and expect a cleaner to deal with it.

He has shown you how he values you. Cleaner or not, I would ever be able to see past it. You're an ED doctor fgs seeing unimaginable things yet he sees you a shit cleaning nobody who doesn't even warrant putting the dishwasher on for. What a twat.

Have a peek at some SAHM threads. If you haven’t been home alone caring for three young DC all day you will have no idea the amount of chaos they can create and a bit of smeared yogurt & crumbs plus dishes in the sink is actually quite mild.

Aren't they all school age? Some must be at the top end of primary. Not sure why yoghurt smearing is still occurring. Pretty sure they could help stacking the dishwasher and tidying up if he could be arsed to see it as needed.

My DH and I both work full time and occasionally long hours and we often fought about cleaning and housework (I felt he wasn't doing enough and didn't care enough) until we decided that life was too short to argue about cleaning so we hired a cleaner who comes twice a week and deals with whatever annoying jobs need doing. It costs money yes, but it bought us a more peaceful household...