To think my husband needs to contribute more?

[BorisJohnsonsBarbershop]

I work between 40-50hrs a week doing shifts, occasionally more if work are really short staffed, in a very stressful job as an A&E doctor. I have to work these hours as I earn quite a lot more than my husband and pay most of the bills, but I also do the majority of housework.

He works roughly 37.5hrs a week flexitime in an office job, does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights. He empties bins when they're overflowing, puts a load of laundry on when he runs out of clothes, and puts a load of dishes on when there's no clean ones left. He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning, and he doesn't mind if it's done or not anyway because it's "not important". If we argue, which is frequently at the moment, he calls me lazy and complains that I'm always grumpy. I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

AIBU to expect household jobs to be shared more equally? Or is he right and I'm just a moany cow?

So you are doing anywhere from 2.5 hours to 12.5 extra hours than him in a more stressful job. He does sound like he has more responsibility for the kids. Given that he’s on flexitime I’m guessing he works around the kids pick ups and drops offs so does he make up work hours once the kids are in bed?

Does he take care of feeding/cleaning/homework bedtime/wakeups/getting ready for school? I assume he has them by himself on weekends you are working? I know you said you were on maternity but that’s different from working full time and being primary carer.

I’m finding it hard to get past the “its your job” comment but if you look at the overall tasks that you have as a family including things that need to be done with/for the kids how much downtime are you each getting? just thinking of the logistics of 3 kids coming in from school, having to get dinner on, going through homework with them getting whatever laundry has to be done catching up on your own work etc.

He’s not a complete neanderthal he is clearly doing his fair share with the kids so I don’t think this is someone who is a complete misogynist. I think you guys are struggling to stay ontop of a busy household. Get a cleaner in.

I’m the first to think “god what a useless twat” but tbh I think you both sound at the end of your tethers a bit.

This dinosaur is not acceptable as a husband or father....it will never get better, only worse. He believes that women are put on this earth to clean up after men... he is a lazy bastard. He will instill in your kids his beliefs, which will just ensure a continuation of this outdated beliefs. You know it wont ever work....

Post a picture of the dirty loo on his family's whatsapp with a note to say that your DH thinks its OK to leave the loo like that because cleaning it is "wimmin's work"

That’s because the ‘sexist pig’ bit is an assumption.

Well obviously it’s unreasonable - but you choose to have three children with hiM and you’re choosing to stay with him (noting you’re the main earner). So you are being unreasonable becaue it’s your choice to stay.

This is one of those threads that I hope is started by a troll. No one should put up with this.

OP if you are genuine then you are worth a whole lot more than this and your DC are having a VERY bad example of family life.

There are only so many hours in the day and you are both entitled to some downtime. He is not entitled to less downtime because you choose a profession that has hugely long hours no matter what you earn.

He does not have the right to just parcel off some jobs as "your jobs". He can and should clean his own fucking crap off the toilet. He does have the right to negotiate with you about what standard stuff is done to and to say "that's too much" (you also have this right).

A cleaner x3 per week who also does laundry would make both your lives much more manageable but make sure she benefits both of you (not that she picks up one half and you do the other).

Why did you marry this CF? Even with three kids, I'd be expecting him to up his game or it would be divorce.

What about the shit encrusted toilet though? No cleaner worth her salt will be prepared to deal with such blatant disregard for common courtesy.

Cleaners can handle a few skid marks, let’s not get into a must clean for the cleaner rabbit hole.

If OP goes the cleaner route (which seems most sensible) then it would need to go hand in hand with a lengthy conversation about what is and isn't a cleaners job. Also can the kids be trained up? And at the same time train him? Again needs a sit down chat with him about how to do this and the expectations.

Both parties sound knackered

What is even the point of men like that? Want to live like it's the 1950s and that housework is beneath them but equally rely on their wife to be the breadwinner.

Wtf?! That’s a lot of effort for op to go to when she is already at the end of her tether.

Christ, it's one thing to train your kids (it's a parents' job), but I really don't know if I could be bothered cleaning up someone else's lazy arsed child rearing, training a fellow adult and parent, not just how to run a household, but how not to be a passive agressive and/or lazy and/or sexist misogynist and/or slovenly pig.

You both sound burned out. What you are trying to do is not possible. It’s not his fault, it’s not your fault, it’s just not possible. You need to get a cleaner in asap, but one of you clearly has to go part time to take on the other life admin and jobs otherwise this is going to end in divorce. 37.5 hours is longer than the standard working week of 35, and he’s taking on a lot of the other life admin too. He’s not getting a break and neither are you.

@Onnabugeisha he says it’s her job to clean? In what possible universe is that not a sexist statement? Even if you assume for the sake of argument that he’s just got the hump because he thinks he’s doing all the work, it still beggars belief that he could feel that the work of cleaning a toilet is one persons job only.

@BorisJohnsonsBarbershop regardless of the sexes involved DH worked far longer hours than my 37.5 when the dc were small. He was the main breadwinner.

I picked up far more stuff at home because that made our individual input equal and we worked as a team. He was always happy to pay for a cleaner a couple of times a week. Very early in the relationship he was clear that he wouldn't be cleaning or ironing but was always happy to pay someone else. Equally, he appreciated that I was not brought up to clean.

When I went back to work full-time, I had an au-pair because he was simply not available. Think pilot/surgeon genre.

His career benefitted from my commitment, his earnings benefitted us all. 32 years on it worked for us.

Your DH sounds as though he needs a kick up the backside. It's rarely that I suggest an op should ltb but would you not be better off on your own to give an intelligent, hard working, professional woman the opportunity to find a partner who deserves her.

If he befouls the toilet again , put some of those hazardous stickers on the door!

Good idea though to get a cleaner.

The op doesnt need a divorce for crying out loud! She just needs some advise on how to deal with a husband who isn't very keen on his share of the housework! I do wonder where all these perfect Mumsnet relationships are!!!

Your husband despises you.

As the child of two parents who grew to detest each other, it would have been far preferable if they had separated well before I was 12.

Well, a divorce is one option for a husband who isn't 'keen' on his share of the housework.

Or there's communication, negotiation, and compromise. Difficult if one party is adamant that anything they feel they shouldn't have to do (like cleaning their shit after laying one down, or wiping the table and putting the dishes in the dishwasher after doing the kids tea) is the other person's job.

Or there's hiring a cleaner. Who is going to make sure the house is in a fit state for the cleaner to do the job required/wanted, hire the cleaner, organise the cleaner?

It’s only sexist if he thinks it is her job because she is a woman. Nothing in the OPs posts indicate he thinks this. It is more likely that the division of household chores isn’t working and he is saying it’s her job because he thinks OP should contribute more. If OP were a man and they were gay, he’d likely have said the same thing given the overall situation of two parents working FT, one in a stressful job with long shifts and overtime plus 3 young DC. Most families find there are not enough hours in the day to keep up and usually standards are lowered or fights happen (like here) or outsourcing is done (cleaner).

It is sexist to assume he said that these were her household jobs because she is a woman.

And in some houses, cleaning the toilet is one persons job only..it all depends on what division of household chores have been agreed on. It is in my house…I do laundry and DH does the bathrooms. Always. I haven’t cleaned a toilet in 28yrs.

It’s simple …either get a cleaner or LTB as he won’t change !!

It's not easy to find a cleaner who will do the bulk of the childcare for three children.