To think my husband needs to contribute more?

[BorisJohnsonsBarbershop]

I work between 40-50hrs a week doing shifts, occasionally more if work are really short staffed, in a very stressful job as an A&E doctor. I have to work these hours as I earn quite a lot more than my husband and pay most of the bills, but I also do the majority of housework.

He works roughly 37.5hrs a week flexitime in an office job, does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights. He empties bins when they're overflowing, puts a load of laundry on when he runs out of clothes, and puts a load of dishes on when there's no clean ones left. He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning, and he doesn't mind if it's done or not anyway because it's "not important". If we argue, which is frequently at the moment, he calls me lazy and complains that I'm always grumpy. I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

AIBU to expect household jobs to be shared more equally? Or is he right and I'm just a moany cow?

@Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace mine does. The au-pair used to.

I hope you don’t have sex with him OP, my fanny would clamp shut at that. What a selfish disgusting twat he is. I would struggle to stay married to someone that respected me that little tbh. Sorry OP.

He's hardly a 1950s housewife if he works full time

yanbu, this would do my nut in and to some extent it happens in my house too (but not because dh thinks it’s my job) I was a sahm for 11 years until I finally was able to go back to work earlier this year so I naturally did most of the household tasks and it’s been a learning curve for dh that actually a fairy doesn’t appear and clean the house up while you go out to work 😆. He’s getting better at getting things done without me saying it needs doing however, there’s nothing more infuriating or exhausting than having jobs just left with the expectation that I will do it or having the added burden of delegating them to dh or one of the children.

A very definite and serious conversation needs to be had with your husband as this is clearly an issue with you now which is slowly going to spiral into contempt for him unless something changes, and him solely delegating all the other tasks you didn’t mention to you is not an option because that list is vast and way more time consuming than washing the dishes periodically or popping a load in the wash. Houses need cleaning and tidying regardless of his viewpoint on cleanliness especially with children around the house and he needs to realise that. If it’s affordable, I’d totally look into the cleaner option and then between you both you just have the day to day household things to keep on top of such as the dishes, general tidying etc where he can take up the bigger share on your working days where you’re not physically home long enough to do them and you on your days off. If you’re both pulling your weight it shouldn’t feel like a huge chore for either of you.

communication is needed badly here, it’s not about who works longer or who does most of the childcare or who is most stressed but how to create a home situation that works for you both without adding more strain on one of you or the other. If he continues with his view of ‘it’s your job’ I can’t see it, it doesn’t matter then I would be seriously considering how well you are working as a couple but then that’s another conversation altogether.

hope you sort something out x

Literally not what I said though? He wants to live like a man in the 1950s who works full time and does fuck all housework.

I'm pretty sure men in the 50s didn't fetch the kids from school/nursery, feed them and put them to bed whilst their wives worked, plus do bits of the housework. Sorry but I just think that's a valid analogy for this marriage, or this husband based on what the OP has told us.

Ffs! just don't think

Obviously YANBU. What concerns me is that the kids are seeing that it's ok to leave yogurt smeared on the table and shit on the toilet. It's very hard to get kids to learn to be tidy in this set of circumstances AND to not grow up convinced that it's someone else's job. The latter is exactly the magical thinking my DH has been known to do.

I could write your post 15 years ago (except we were childless then). Very similar situation (is your DH an only child by any chance, OP?). Saying that, he's never dared to tell me it's my job, just sulked. I don't think I could stay married to him if he had expressed that.

Before DC1 we tried a cleaner when I was working an ICU run at one point. (It didn't work for us as I found them doing stuff like emptying out the dishwasher after coming in from the street and not washing their hands. Also it was always a different person coming in with that company). He lifted his game afterwards considerably. He looked after DC1 from 6/52 as I had to go back to work . Then between DC1 and DC2 standards slipped again. There were other issues and I was ready to walk out. I told him as much, we ended up having couples counselling. He got better but he was WILLING to see that there is a problem and fix it. DH is not perfect but we have 2 DS now and he's seeing DS1 occasionally copy the slob behaviour and I think he finally "gets" it why seeing same done by an adult partner made me angry before.

Get a cleaner for now, use the breather to have a chat with DH about changing behaviour, see a couples psychologist to work through the differences. If he doesn't even want to see that there is a problem, I'd be divorcing, sorry.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning, and he doesn't mind if it's done or not anyway because it's "not important". If we argue, which is frequently at the moment, he calls me lazy and complains that I'm always grumpy. I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

He's gaslighting you in a VERY unpleasant way. I'd find it difficult to live with. Can you stop doing anything for him?

Can you bring in a cleaner, and make sure it comes from his salary?

He's a sexist arse, and I'd find it difficult to look at him, let alone sleep with him.

I do think you need to go down the couples counselling route or do something else in addition. A cleaner only works if you're not living in an absolute pig sty, or they come every other day. If you have a cleaner coming once a week, they are not going to be able to clear up dishes and leftover dinner detritus from 3 meals a day from the rest of the time.

If he thinks cleaning and tidying is 'your job' then I'd be sitting down with him and saying the only way you can keep up with your 'work' is by dropping your hours, and where does he want to cut down in the family spending and how will he support changing your lifestyle

Fully agree

@Onnabugeisha How would you feel and react if your husband left his shit on the toilet after taking a dump and told you it was your job to clean it?

@iamanicicle what does being an only child have to do with it or are you being stereotypical? My SILs come from a family of three and it hasn't stopped them from being lazy, entitled, and even rather grubby. Fortunately my DH isn't like them.

Why are such clever, capable professional women prepared to put up with such crap from their partners? They wouldn't accept it at work, but it's ok in the home! You're ruining your family life and probably impinging on your professional life too. Your home life is out of kilter because your partner is lazy, doesn't care, is a misogynist and a rubbish dad. If you are desperate to stay with him - maybe he realises this so knows he can get away with murder - then you need an agreement about household chores. It's a boring conversation but you need a list of jobs and then divvy them up. If he refuses that tells you he is not a real partner and you need to think of breaking up, no matter that your youngest is just 5. You definitely need a cleaner, one to whom you can talk about you requirements, explain that your house will not be tidy, but where her jobs are it will be clear. You've got to sort this.

If you can afford it, just get a cleaner. You're already working 50 hours, don't spend more cleaning. He's unlikely to change, or he'll clean but be bitter about it

If you're contributing more he should do more and should pay for a cleaner. You job isn't a job one switches off from upon closing so he really should be supporting you to relax and take your mind of your work after work not causing additional stress.

Don't get a cleaner, or do, but get rid of your husband.

Nobody who loves or values you would treat you with such disrespect. You only get one life OP and it goes so fast. Have you told him you have thought about divorce?

Plus you don't want this behaviour rubbing off on your kids or them thinking this is an ok way for a husband to treat his wife.

Think strategically.

Eventually you will divorce. Quite possibly he will divorce you, surprisingly, when the kids are older and you are better paid.

At that point you will lose a lot of your pension and assets as you will be a high earner and presumably he won't be.

The answer for now is to just get a cleaner, but start thinking about your future, op. You will be better off financially divorcing now rather than later.

YABU to not have a cleaner under those circumstances.

That was more of a joking generalisation but my DH had literally everything done for him growing up as he's an only child and an only grandchild. He honestly did not know how to cook or clean or do the laundry because everything was done for him growing up. Magically apparently.

The upside is that he understood, however reluctantly, that it was not right and was willing to change. Apart from him, I only know one other person who grew up as an only child, with similar "perks". All my friends and family otherwise have siblings and are, generally speaking, house-proud.
I am sure there are exceptions on both sides

This!!!

Get a cleaner in. I don't think you have a choice. My dh is the same he says he doesn't care about how clean the house is. And he literally doesn't. I can't force his standards even if they're disgusting so we have a cleaner. Yes I still clean but the starting point is much easier and tbh maybe dh is a teeny bit right that my standards are higher than what is hygienically necessary.
If my dh told me it's my job to clean though he'd be living outside for a while.

Thank you everyone, a lot to think about. I'm just very tired and feel totally unappreciated.

You should consider this very seriously. I learned this the hard way.

If it's your job clean isn't it his job to be the breadwinner?

Anyway I wouldn't be able to be with someone who is so misogynistic.

I don't know how any household with both parents working full time can manage without a cleaner.