To think my husband needs to contribute more?

[BorisJohnsonsBarbershop]

I work between 40-50hrs a week doing shifts, occasionally more if work are really short staffed, in a very stressful job as an A&E doctor. I have to work these hours as I earn quite a lot more than my husband and pay most of the bills, but I also do the majority of housework.

He works roughly 37.5hrs a week flexitime in an office job, does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights. He empties bins when they're overflowing, puts a load of laundry on when he runs out of clothes, and puts a load of dishes on when there's no clean ones left. He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning, and he doesn't mind if it's done or not anyway because it's "not important". If we argue, which is frequently at the moment, he calls me lazy and complains that I'm always grumpy. I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

AIBU to expect household jobs to be shared more equally? Or is he right and I'm just a moany cow?

absolutely. He disrespects you massively now. This isnt going to get anything other than worse. What position would that out him in at that point?

would you beed to work the same hours if single?

Please leave the fucker.

It really sounds like you have totally different standards for how clean you want your home to be. This needs really drilling down into, as incompatible standards here are as important as attitudes to cocaine and running up debt on credit cards. So lots of long conversations, with notes made afterwards, to state your differing standards for cleaning bathrooms, toilets, kitchen floors and so on
if you need to have the carpet hoovered once a week, and he thinks once a year is too often, then you will never get him to do his share of once a week hoovering.
Agree with some of the others that a) you need a cleaner, paid for from the joint account, and b) a divorce sooner rather than later will cost you a lot less. Your pension is still one of the best around , don’t share it when you are 50 and knackered and need then to work another 10 years to regain what you have to give him

You work 50 hours as an A&E doctor, he’s a lowly paid office drone, and he still thinks he’s more important than you and that the house is your job because you’re a woman?

He’s a misogynistic cunt.

Also, what about time the OP gets to spend with the children - the time she spends cleaning she could be spending with her children. He gets to do that - does she, or is she too busy cleaning his skid marks off the toilet?

I work FT: my husband looks after the house and did so when our son was little. But he has always looked after our day to day life really well, so I have always had time to spend doing fun stuff with our son (and him).

It took time when we first got together, to get him to see that it wasn't only a woman's job to clean, but he eventually got it after a row or two.

His cleanliness standards aren't quite as high as mine in some things, but from time to time I pick up a cloth and wipe the skirting boards, and don't resent it because he does pull his weight. That's the problem for OP. Her husband doesn't, at all.

Lots of different POVs in this thread, lots of useful suggestions, @BorisJohnsonsBarbershop, But what it boils down to is this:

him not cleaning his shit off the toilet and expecting YOU to do it shows the most profound disrespect possible. He does not count two hoots about your feelings, or the extent of your exhaustion.

hiring a cleaner may provide short term respite but doesn’t represent a long term solution. It’s no more than a sticking plaster, a means of coping in the months to come.

you would be wise to heed this poster’s advice:

Your pension is still one of the best around , don’t share it when you are 50 and knackered and need then to work another 10 years to regain what you have to give him

💐💐💐

The big issue is that your husband holds you in complete contempt. Before you even look at practicalities, you need a calm conversation about whether your marriage can survive that, and what professional hell you would need to repair the relationship.

In our house, I work part time and happily do the cleaning (it’s more cost -effective that way as I’d have to work many more hours to earn enough to pay for a cleaner). We’ve agreed that it is my job to clean the loo. Even then, anyone making a mess of the toilet is expected to stick the brush in and clean it. I wouldn’t tolerate the disrespect demonstrated by a man who expects women to clean his shit because she’s a woman.

Did he seriously call you a moany cow? He’s a lazy ungrateful selfish bastard.

You deserve better OP.

You can spend the next decade vacillating between sadness and seething anger but you will still likely end up as described above having thought you were sticking it out with that disgusting pig for years for your children.

Get organised, get legal advice.

I somehow missed this bit about the toilet, gosh that's disgusting and so disrespectful. I honestly think you need to leave. Sounds like you don't have to stay for financial reasons, so get out asap!

@BorisJohnsonsBarbershop I've been thinking about you & hope you're getting a bit of R&R over CHristmas/New YEar. I've also been thinking about the several well-educated & highly qualified professional women I know who also put up with awful husbands. I had a terrible partner once who would take, take, take in all sorts of ways, and never reciprocate. It's almost as if some of us feel we have to "compensate" for being beter qualified than our partners.

You don't have to. You are worth so so much more.

And please, take note of others' comments about the financial risks you are taking with staying married to this nasty man. Better to divorce now than later, and a better model to offer your DC.

Then when you are free of this person who thinks so little of you, you can employ a cleaner. So you can spend time with your children!