To think my husband needs to contribute more?

[BorisJohnsonsBarbershop]

I work between 40-50hrs a week doing shifts, occasionally more if work are really short staffed, in a very stressful job as an A&E doctor. I have to work these hours as I earn quite a lot more than my husband and pay most of the bills, but I also do the majority of housework.

He works roughly 37.5hrs a week flexitime in an office job, does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights. He empties bins when they're overflowing, puts a load of laundry on when he runs out of clothes, and puts a load of dishes on when there's no clean ones left. He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning, and he doesn't mind if it's done or not anyway because it's "not important". If we argue, which is frequently at the moment, he calls me lazy and complains that I'm always grumpy. I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

AIBU to expect household jobs to be shared more equally? Or is he right and I'm just a moany cow?

Where does OP say that he does 100% drop-offs and homework? Childcare does usually involve cleaning up after them not just playing with them. Also why should working 37.5 hours a week in a flexible role reduce your career prospects? Is there evidence for this?

No problem with you not agreeing with the advice I gave. Would like to hear what your advice is? OP is unhappy in the current situation and it won't go away. Her DH has stated that it is her job to clean his shit off the toilet and continue to do cleaning generally as he won't. How do you think OP should resolve this situation?

To be fair @Onnabugeisha whilst my desk job is not in the league of Surgeon/pilot genre, having worked my way up the greasy pole for the last 20 years it was fairly gratifying during covid and wfh that DH realised that I have far more professional responsibility than pushing pens.

He does pick up three days a week. Who is doing the drop-offs five days a week and the pick ups the other two? (Apologies if this has been answered, I have read the whole thread, but may have missed it, in amongst all the argy bargy!)

Could you get a cleaner for a few hours a week to keep the house ticking over? We both work busy jobs and find this makes running the house much easier as we just have superficial tidying up/light hoovering etc to do in order the get us through the week.

This, Absolutely.
Anything else wouldn't be acceptable to me in your shoes.😡

@Onnabugeisha

And in some houses, cleaning the toilet is one persons job only..it all depends on what division of household chores have been agreed on. It is in my house…I do laundry and DH does the bathrooms. Always. I haven’t cleaned a toilet in 28yrs.

If it's one persons 'job' to clean the loo as part of the household's chore assignment, that doesn't mean it's anywhere close to vaguely acceptable for the other person to not clean up their own shit from the toilet. And not be embarrassed but double down saying it's not their job. Cleaning something in general is different to any 'real time' cleaning that needs doing due to accidents etc.

It's not 'my job' at home to clean the kitchen floor (it's one we've agreed is my partner's) but if I spill some milk on the floor I don't just walk over it and get on with my day, I clean up after myself. It would be disrespectful and rude to do so with milk. Let alone shit.

Baffled as to why you seem to be trying to find a loophole in which he isn't being absolutely disgusting and treating her with total contempt when it comes to the toilet issue.

Also, as far as I'm concerned, if you're doing tea, you clear away the dishes, even if you don't do the handwashing, you wipe the benches, wipe the table, and rid the floor of food remnants, as a general rule. It's one thing to say, 'look, sorry hun, shit day at work, I was knackered', every so often, another to say 'that's your job'. It's just part of 'The' Job.

I say that as someone who has worked full time, studied full time, and been a SAHP. And the support parent, when it comes to less pressured role and lower earning. But that was a shared view with the other parent, who would also do the same.

I reckon it's topic, not issue, re the cleaning.

I think I would clean the toilet with his toothbrush.

It’s YOUR job to do all the housework is it? Well, if we've suddenly time warped back to 1950, then surely, it’s HIS job to earn all the money? Oh, but it seems you are doing that! He cannot have it both ways. Get a cleaner and then have a very cold, hard look at what he actually brings to your table….he sounds like a man -baby, spoiled and frankly hard work. Not only that, but if my DH said to me that the housework was MY job…..my libido would shrivel up and die. On the spot. Honestly, does he make YOUR life better, yes or no? Decide that then go from there….

No one needs an extra child. It totally kills desire and makes me sad.

YANBU, IMO part of childcare should involve a general tidy up of toys left out and wiping down tables etc so smeared food doesn't dry in. It's hardly hardcore, time consuming housekeeping. Obviously, if the kids are ill etc it may not get done, but the default stance of it's wimmin's work is shit.

If your youngest is 5, ideally he would be encouraging the older ones to pick up after themselves with small age appropriate chores, otherwise you're signing yourself up to be picking up after three additional people as well as lazy ass husband for a considerable length of time.

I wouldn't worry about tidying up for the cleaner if you decide to go down that route. However, the hiring of, paying of and general admin of having a cleaner becomes another job you'll probably end up taking responsibilty for, which seems unfair.

YANBU the person who works the least/ is at home more should do more housework (pls don’t shoot me SAHP).

However, I am wondering why you both work such long hours when you have 3 DCs?

Surely on a doctors salary your DH could be a SAHP or work PT so then he can do much more housework and cooking etc.

Wow. That's pretty shocking to read, OP

It isn't really as it's the 10.000th identical thread since I joined MN and I would think that an A&E doctor would know the answer without asking AIBU

Personally I’d be getting a divorce rather than a cleaner but it’s your life. I mean you need a cleaner as well. But you don’t need a lazy arse manchild.

I have 3 young children and we both work ft earning similar amounts, everything is 50/50 in this house. I don't know how you put up with this, he should be doing 50/50 (and then some given your hours), I'd seriously consider a divorce, I know that's easy for me to say but I just think if your husband is happy to sit and watch you (and insist like it's 1952) that the cleaning is your job I'd feel like there was no love or respect there. My husband was a bit of a prat when we first got married he'd come from living with house proud clean freak parents who had a cleaner every week (their cleaner once told me it was her favourite house as it was clean before she arrived!). So cleaning just wasn't something he ever had to do (he clearly didnt bother at uni). When we moved in together he acted entitled and said these things were my job. Well let's just say I made it clear I wasn't a housewife and would not be doing all the cleaning like he was lord of the Manor.

Lay your cards on the table, he steps up or ships out!! I couldn't put up with this.

Yes get a cleaner.

but you have children in the house who are hearing your husbands disgraceful sexism. Think about the impact this is having on them.

mummy works the longest hours and earns the most money and still has to do all the cleaning because she is a woman and that’s her job!!!

ask your husband if he would want your daughter being treated like this in her future relationship. Are you happy for your son to grow up and be this type of man? Because that will happen unless you tackle this.

I would love it if this thread was a reverse. I wonder if you would write the same response to a man.

Hire a cleaner.

Do you wish to remain married to such a disgusting pig?

That should be your starting point.

Because the contempt he shows you leaving a loo like that for you in not a marriage I would want to be a part of.

So do you really feel happy being marrimarried to such a pig?

If not, start planning.

I would tell him that marriage is meant to be a partnership, so even if HE doesn't value housework, he should value it for the sake of the relationship, because YOU value your family not living in muck.

Even though you're getting a cleaner, I would also sit down with him and create a list of the remaining jobs that need doing in the household, then tell him he needs to pick half - you don't care which half so long as it's 50%. He might feel less resentful of the situation if he has some control over which jobs he does.

I would get a cleaner. I wonder why you haven’t as yet with that shift pattern and your income.

Your OH is doing more or less the same I was doing during the week while working full time and being the only parent around given how little my ex was at home. I would have also expected him to do some washing and cleaning in the little time he spent at home.

Save your relationship and your free time for your family, not cleaning. Get help.

You have 3 school aged children and don't want to disrupt their lives but you're happy to have them grow up learning men don't need to pull their weight and women do all the graft....

I can’t see a future for this relationship. You can get a cleaner but his attitude will remain the same. Plus he’s a pig and I couldn’t respect someone who was happy to live in squalor. Could he be intimidated by your job and trying to put you in your place? I mean as well as being lazy.

It’s all very well saying that childcare is difficult but it’s difficult for most people mainly because they’re trying to do housework at the same time. It’s very easy to sit and play with kids and give them a bit of food while someone else organises everything else.

Yes you could get a cleaner, and you will have a clean house. But you will still have an arse for a husband...

Plus a cleaner isn’t going to come in and do your washing up and sweep the floor…