To think my husband needs to contribute more?

[BorisJohnsonsBarbershop]

I work between 40-50hrs a week doing shifts, occasionally more if work are really short staffed, in a very stressful job as an A&E doctor. I have to work these hours as I earn quite a lot more than my husband and pay most of the bills, but I also do the majority of housework.

He works roughly 37.5hrs a week flexitime in an office job, does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights. He empties bins when they're overflowing, puts a load of laundry on when he runs out of clothes, and puts a load of dishes on when there's no clean ones left. He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning, and he doesn't mind if it's done or not anyway because it's "not important". If we argue, which is frequently at the moment, he calls me lazy and complains that I'm always grumpy. I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

AIBU to expect household jobs to be shared more equally? Or is he right and I'm just a moany cow?

Absolutely, youngest is 5 so yoghurt smearing sadly still occurs. They are all capable of helping, but need guidance of an adult to ask them to do it and show an example.

@Onnabugeisha yes I know what it's like to be a SAHM, I've had three periods of maternity leave where I did all the childcare as well as all the housework.

From the OP he "does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights"
Some have translated this into him doing the bulk of the childcare (how?) or that OP is expecting him to do everything as he has a "lowly office job" (OP did not describe his job as "lowly" - others added this in). It seems he is doing the basics and yes, they are both working full-time, but OP is doing many more hours with long shifts. He has called her "lazy" when she is the major breadwinner and housekeeper.

He can't see the need for cleaning or putting laundry away or for changing sheets etc. He's not going to change his point of view in a hurry while he can continue to get away with not doing things he doesn't like to do. He is acting like a spoilt brat in thinking you can choose to do only the fun jobs. OP somehow needs to wake him up to the idea that it's not going to continue like this and that she can manage perfectly well without him unless he pulls his weight. He needs to learn that he is dispensable and if you can't see a point in his being there, he may find he isn't there any more.

I can only suggest that OP tells him that she is considering separating and this means living independent lives. Then asks him to move into another room if you have one (camp bed in the lounge if you don't). He can change his bedding as often as he wishes, put his own clothes away, pick his stuff up from the floor, hoover the floor (or not) etc. He can do his own laundry, cooking, washing up and shopping, (yes, this could mean having to buy extra cutlery and crockery and having him use just his own). If you are lucky enough to have more than one toilet and bathroom, have one for you and the kids and one for him and only clean yours. You can say that everything should be shared equally and he can pay half of all the bills that OP is currently covering.

Yes, this would mean that OP is still doing the majority of things for the DC but at least she won't have to do it for the extra child (man-child) that she currently does. Also, it will wake him up to the possibility that OP has had enough and his current behaviour will result in them living separately. Next time he says you are lazy, how about presenting him with a timesheet of the housework that you have done versus his and a timesheet of your working hours versus his? Nothing like proving someone wrong with evidence. Also there will probably be evidence of squalor in his parts of the house.

Alternative his to ask him to move out and live elsewhere as you cannot go on like this and have had enough. They are still his DC and he can collect them some days during the week, but OP can then sort alternatives for the days she is covering: after-school clubs, childminder, nanny share, au pair. OP will then be able to do longer shifts when he has them for his weekends.

His attitude is disgusting.
He thinks so little of you.

You probably do need a cleaner, but in between there will still be skid marks on the toilet and yoghurt and crumbs all over the kitchen.

I think you need the cleaner option and the divorce option.

Yes, he said that cleaning bathrooms is my job, and that it doesn't matter if it has shit on it, it's a toilet.

Wow. This man holds you in contempt.

I don't personally think relationships often (if ever) get back to being healthy and respectful when they've reached this level of contempt.

He does most of the childcare?

hire a cleaner.

Leaving shit smeared on a toilet is vile and there is absolutely no excuse for it whatsoever. That is completely lacking in respect for you. It doesn't matter how many hours you work and how many hours he works and how many hours each person cares for the child and who does which household tasks and whether they are distributed fairly because this one thing tells you everything you need to know.
As others have said, he holds you in contempt and has no respect for you at all. There is no reason on earth why someone can't quickly clean their own shit off the toilet if they have managed to splat it everywhere. They should do that even if it isn't "their job" to clean bathrooms. I couldn't live with someone like this. Even my complete and utter misogynist pig of an ex who did sweet fuck all here never left shit in the toilet for me to clean up.

Nah, OP has clearly addressed what you’re saying. Read it again, in case you missed it.
otherwise, you’re just a wind up. Why don’t you look for a healthier hobby?

It often boils down to two different personality types - people who aren't bothered by mess and a bit of grime and people who feel all disoriented and 'wrong' when stuff isn't tidy and clean. I'm defo the latter. I don't particularly like cleaning but I really love a clean house and we've got a cleaner. Someone comes in once a week and magically blitzes the house. Apart from the occasional hoover round, I hardly ever have to do anything and it's complete magic.

However I would say that if he's left a mess in the loo and not even stuck a loo brush in, that's grim!

Our rule is, if you make a mess, you clean it up. So no, unless you made the mess, it's not 'your job'.

From the OP he "does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights"

Some have translated this into him doing the bulk of the childcare (how?)

Basic maths. 100% of drop offs, 60% of pick ups plus dinners plus homework plus bedtimes. Plus weekend shifts in updates. = bulk of childcare.

Also, basic logic. The parent with the 40-50yrs A&E doctor job or the parent with the 37.5hr flexible working job…which do you think has obviously reduced their career prospects and earning potential in order to ensure their 3 children have care?

I can only suggest that OP tells him that she is considering separating and this means living independent lives. 😂🤣🤣 terrible advice.

Tell him if he wants a 1950s wife you expect a 1950s husband so he better start finding a better paid job and start paying all the bills in that case!

Omg can I come over and give him a piece of my mind?

Hire a cleaner, he's being a lazy bastard.

This is my honest opinion. You don’t have to like it or agree with it.

Yet @Onnabugeisha chooses to ignore these bits of information that demonstrate how OP’s husband doesn’t respect her

I haven’t ignored it at all. If you’re going to be nasty to me, at least try and be truthful instead of making shit up.

1. If you have more than 1 bathroom, give him sole use of (and cleaning !) one of them. (Never buy him deoderant/shampoo/razors etc)
2. Never, ever wash,dry or iron his clothing. (Also never buy him anything !) If he puts a load on for himself, leave it wet in the basket if you need to use the machine. If he hangs his washing up, leave it in a heap on the floor if you need to hang yours/DC washing up.
3. Refuse to buy him anything when you're doing the shopping, so none of his 'favourite' brands/items or anything ! (No beer/snacks/coffee/milk)
4. Make sure there's always plenty 'kids' food available.(That he hates)
5. Buy (and keep in your car, not at home) plastic cutlery and paper plates for you and the kids to use when there's bugger all clean. He'll have to wash dishes when there's none for HIM.
6. Sign the kids up for lots of after school activities that he'll need to take them to.
7. Hire a cleaner (preferrably a quite attractive one), and if at all possible, a MALE one ! Make sure H is present and listening when you discuss what cleaning you want done, making SURE to inform them that H has his OWN bathroom ! (Hopefully will embarrass him !)

Basically, make HIS life as uncomfortable for him, as he's making yours ! He won't like it when it's crappy for HIM rather than you !

Put the whole man in the bin.

You're doing an amazing job as an A and E doctor. You need more respect than he's giving you. Really it's not "your job" it's his, when analysing the overall workload in the marriage. Careful you don't burn out carrying on with this lack of support.

I think you are underestimating 3x16 hour shifts in an emergency department is!

Whatever, if you say so. Doesn’t matter if I am because the issue is that her DH doesn’t have time to do the extra cleaning like the OP wants him to do, nor does OP. So instead of having a Mexican standoff or engaging in passive aggressive bullshit like some posters whose side hustle is breaking up families, have advised, it’s obvious the best advice given and which I concurred with is that a cleaner is needed.

Just get a cleaner you can afford it, problem solved

I would start throwing it back at him that if he wants that old fashioned bullshit that you do the housework then he needs to be the breadwinner and earn more money because his crap salary isn’t cutting it

he earns less than you doesn’t do as much housework as you and probably bitches because you won’t suck his cock

your intelligent - your a doctor . You know this isn’t really how a decent man is

get some common sense and either get rid of him or accept he’s not ever going to change and this is your life while your with him

I would start throwing it back at him that if he wants that old fashioned bullshit that you do the housework then he needs to be the breadwinner and earn more money because his crap salary isn’t cutting it

Yeah this is stupid. Really fucking stupid. What’s the point of dramatics like this unless OP wants to pack in her entire career and become a SAHM?

But people keep coming back to the idea that a cleaner is the solution to a sexist pig of a husband.

I don’t disagree that getting a cleaner is a good idea but that won’t magically get him to realise that it isn’t only the woman’s job to clean, hoover and put clothes away. And who thinks it’s acceptable to leave the toilet smeared with his own shit.

No matter how spotless my house was I would never be able to have sex again with such a man.